Kit Marsden's Blog

Pimp my pizza

2012-02-03T21:20:00.002Z

So, this evening, I cooked a pizza. A standard, ready-made pizza from Sainsbury's - you stick it in the oven for twelve minutes, then consume with ravenous abandon - you know the type.

Ten minutes after eating the pizza, I realised I was still hungry. (If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know this isn't as uncommon as it probably ought to be.) Remembering there was another, identical pizza in the fridge, I decided to cook that one as well.

The prospect of another eight slices of margarita, however, seemed somewhat dull, so I decided to "pimp out" the Sainsbury's pizza with a few additions of my own.

I sliced some mushrooms and onions that I found in the fridge, and added those to basis Sainsbury's had provided, along with some chunks of Stilton cheese.

After another twelve minutes, my creation was ready to eat.

Apart from using the phrase "pimped out" (eugh!) I was actually rather proud of myself!

#Snow again

2012-02-01T22:50:00.001Z

There is the finest layer of snow on the ground - more confectionery than weather, in appearance. Not enough snow to have any significance, really.

These days, I am less enamoured of snow than I used to be. I think it's a natural process, that we stop being amazed by the things around us, as we get older. Things which used to be wondrous and exciting now seem mundane, or even irksome.

Snow seems to underline this, in a particular way, though.

I am comfortable with the idea that snow doesn't seem as exciting a prospect for me now as it did, say, six years ago. What worries me is the idea that I might have reached that stage prematurely.

To think that I wake up to snowfall in the morning, and all I feel is worried - about traffic disruption, or about losing work opportunities as a result of the weather - is not, in itself, an alarming thing. But when I realise that there are people five or six years older than I am who wake up to snow still feeling the excitement I remember from childhood I fear that I have aged too quickly.

Off to a good start...

2012-01-02T23:35:00.001Z

My plan was to write a new Blog post on 1st January 2012, talking to people about new beginnings, and outlining a few New Year's resolutions of my own. Well, it's now the 2nd of January, and only half-an-hour away from being the 3rd, so that's hardly an auspicious start, is it? Nevertheless, I shall press on...

My New Year's Resolutions run as follows:

I am going to write my Blog more regularly and more frequently. (That one's going well already!) And I'm going to include more diverse material - more "serious" stuff (about work) and analysis/reviews of things, as well as the usual whimsy.

I am going to practise more. And I'm talking about actual, proper practice - working on my technique, playing scales, learning things that I actually want to learn - not just learning the tracks I have to learn for whatever gigs or sessions I have coming up.

I should like to do more piano gigs. I love doing drumkit/percussion work, of course, but I would really like to start doing more regular gigs on piano/keyboards as well. (You - yes, you - can help with this resolution, by hiring me for keyboard gigs! Email me for for more information.)

I am hoping to read more books. I used to be an avid reader, but in recent years this has slipped, and I regret it. Literature is hugely important, and I intent to reverse this trend over 2012.
I will try to write more jokes. I'm sure you're probably groaning at the thought, just from reading that - but I mean it. I love comedy, and I wish I were able to be more involved it. My one-liners and puns on Twitter are really my only decent outlet for this interest, so I hope I shall be able to make more of it.
I will go to more comedy gigs. Related to the previous point, of course - as I said, I love comedy, and I enjoy going to see comedians perform live. In 2012, I shall make a point of making more time for this hobby.

So, there y'go! Let's hope I can stick to these, and possibly revisit the subject during the year, to see how the Resolutions are progressing.

The run-up to Christmas

2011-11-28T20:08:00.001Z

The following is an extract from the English-to-Retail Cretin Dictionary:

The run-up to Christmas (noun): any time after the end of the Back To School! promotion, typically mid-September.

Of course, for most of the rest of us, the run-up to Christmas has a slightly more reasonable start date. Some favour the middle of November, whilst others of us try our hardest to hold out until the first week of December. But all of this just compounds the problem, as I see it; Christmas shouldn't need a run-up at all.

Things which are difficult need a run-up. If you need to jump over a particularly wide gap (for whatever reason that may be!) and you're not sure you're going to make it, you take a run-up. Sportsmen need a run-up to try and maximise performance. We use a run-up to gather momentum, when we know we will really need to exert ourselves.

Christmas shouldn't be like that. We should be able to relax, at Christmas - to spend time with family and friends. It should be a time to unwind, and enjoy ourselves. We shouldn't need to take a run-up, before entering the fray, eyes wide, arms flailing, hoping only that we emerge unhurt at the other side. We should be able to enjoy all the great things about Christmas - and there are many - without letting it get on top of us.

Personally, I feel it's much easier to enjoy Christmas - Christmas as it should be - without all the retail hype. Without the run-up.

Heatwave decorum

2011-10-06T22:25:00.000+01:00

So, I gather it's quite hot at the moment?

Unusually, for Britain, we are having an exceptionally warm Autumn, at the moment, with temperatures in excess of 30º at the end of September, and beginning of October. Quite remarkable. But let's not lose our heads, please…

Hot weather - at any time of year - is no excuse suddenly to act or look like a slob. In the heat, people cease to care how they look, how they come across to others, what impressions they give. And they are not ashamed; they do this with brazen impunity, and with barefaced disregard for all conventions of decency.

Nobody wants to see people walking down the street in revealing clothing which manages somehow to be both shapeless and far too tight, simultaneously. Topless middle-aged men, their sweaty beer-guts gleaming in the sunlight, hair plastered to their chests with a combination of perspiration and cheap lager, waddling through town-centres in the middle of the day.

In winter, people retain some sense of style, and decorum. They wear clothes with gravitas - coats, scarves, gloves. But when the sun comes out, there is a wild notion that it has suddenly become acceptable to walk around with acres of ruddy bare flesh on show.

If the heat is making you uncomfortable - no one cares. Please dress normally, and learn to bear the discomfort, rather than subjecting everyone else to your hideous summer wardrobe.

Christmas Song Sweepstake

2011-09-24T19:42:00.001+01:00

I am thinking of running a "Christmas Song Sweepstake" this year. Anyone interested in playing can contact me, and they will be randomly assigned a high street shop, and a well-known Christmas song. (I am hoping that enough people will sign up to cover all the major high street chains, and the main Christmas "favourites".)

Then, everyone who's playing has to listen out for Christmas songs when they're shopping. The first time you hear a Christmas song being played as background music in a shop, make a note of which shop you're in, and which song they were playing - then email me the details as soon as you are able.

The first instance of Christmas music being played in shops that I hear of will be posted on this Blog. There will be a prize each for the person whose shop it was and the person whose song it was.

If you're interested please get in touch, with your full name, and email address. (In an effort to prevent cheating, fraud, identity theft, and other scurrilous devilry, you will not be told which shop, or which song, you have been given.)

So... Who's in?!

Terms and conditions apply.

Hot drinks

2011-09-15T14:04:00.000+01:00

I drink a lot of coffee. I may have mentioned this before. But I would never have coffee as my drink with a meal...

I've never understood how people can drink hot drinks, with savoury food. I know a lot of people do do this (particularly at breakfast - a cup of tea or coffee with a savoury breakfast) but I'm afraid I just don't get it.

Hot drinks are a sweet thing; I'm quite happy to have a coffee with biscuits, or with cake, or with a croissant. But the flavour of coffee doesn't work with, say, sausages. Or a roast dinner.

The general rule is that you should only drink a hot drink as an accompaniment to food if you could happily dip that food into said hot drink, without it creating something truly disgusting. And, I'm sorry, but if you'd be able to dip fried eggs and bacon into a cup of tea or coffee, and then eat it, there's definitely something wrong with you!

Breaking sandwich news

2011-08-15T18:56:00.000+01:00

I stopped by at Waitrose today - it appears they have stopped selling the Beef & Stilton sandwich which I mentioned in my last Blog post, in comparison with a Tesco sandwich that has the same filling. Disappointing, I thought.

Also, in relation to the previous post: when I said "I would definitely eat this sandwich again", I wasn't talking about the particular sandwich I ate yesterday - that would be horrible! I meant that I would buy the product again, because I enjoyed the sandwich.

Sandwich review: British Beef and Stilton, from Tesco "Finest" range

2011-08-14T22:08:00.000+01:00

Having not seen this on the shelves before, I can only assume that this is a relatively new product for Tesco. The recipe (sliced Beef, Stilton cheese, caramelised onion chutney, and green salad, in wholemeal bread) is identical to that of a sandwich that Waitrose have been selling for some time. I have enjoyed Waitrose' version on a number of occasions, so I was interested to see how this one from Tesco would stack up.

Having identical components, the two sandwiches are very similar. The combination of the Stilton and the green salad is always a pleasant surprise. I was, as I had said, eager to see whether the Tesco sandwich would be as good as the Waitrose one - and I was pleased to discover that, on the whole, it was. The only area where the Tesco sandwich loses out to its Waitrose counterpart is in the matter of the caramelised onion chutney - Waitrose' sandwich uses better quality, and therefore more flavoursome, onion chutney, which gives a slightly tangier edge. Whilst there was nothing wrong with Tesco's onion chutney, it was a touch blander than I had perhaps been used to.

Having begun two paragraphs with the word "having", I will now begin a third in like fashion. On the subject of price, the Tesco sandwich cost £2.50. It is a little while, now, since I have indulged in the Waitrose variety, and therefore I cannot remember how much it cost. I would imagine it to be a little more expensive than the Tesco one, but I have no evidence with which to back up this assumption. However, I did not think £2.50 an unreasonable price, for the Tesco sandwich.

Overall, I enjoyed the Tesco sandwich - the minor issue of the caramelised onion chutney aside, I thought it was a jolly good effort by the Tesco Sandwich Chaps. I would definitely eat this sandwich again.

F*ck you, I won't drink what you tell me

2011-08-12T18:24:00.000+01:00

Sidenote: the RATM-esque title is due to the fact that, as I discovered recently, eighteen months on from the bizarre campaign to get "Killing In The Name" to the UK Christmas Number One spot, nightclub DJs are still shoehorning this nineteen-year-old profanity-filled metal anthem into their sets between heavily quantised numbers by Akon and Lady GaGa.

One of the reasons I can often be a little dubious about going for a "night out" is because I dislike being pressured into drinking drinks that I don't like.

If I'm drinking, I will generally have whisky - straight, with no ice. (This is another contentious issue, but not something I shall go into now.) Ideally, a decent single malt Scotch is preferred, but on the whole I will drink most whiskies. Very occasionally, I like a glass of wine.

Unlike a lot of men (if I can call myself that), I don't really drink beer. And I certainly won't go anywhere near those lurid "alcopops" concoctions!

This isn't simply snobbishness - it's about personal preference. Some drinks I like, other drinks I don't. All I'm asking is that other people respect these likes and dislikes - as I will always try to do for them.

What I dislike about the whole "night out" culture is the complete lack of discernment, in regards to beverages. The idea that you will throw anything down your throat, providing the alcohol content is high enough, and not give a fig what it actually is that you're drinking. I like to drink drinks that I actually enjoy - not just any old muck that happens to be around.

What's really silly, though, is the way someone will offer to buy a round of drinks, and then get the same drink for everyone.

I don't want "a pint" of something. And I most definitely do not want to "do a shot" of anything. And I never so much as hinted that I did! People just assume that everyone's taste in drinks is as vulgar as their own.

This most commonly occurs with a drink called the Jägerbomb. Comprising a shot of Jägermeister submerged in a glass of Red Bull, the mere smell of this vile brew is enough to make one feel nauseous. Yet people persist in buying me Jägerbombs - despite the fact that I cannot stand them!

I have a friend who doesn't like olives. I wouldn't buy him something - say, a pizza - with olives, just because everyone else is having that. It ought to be the same with drinks.

If you want to buy me a drink, that's very generous of you, and I really do appreciate it - but surely, you'll first check what it is that I actually like? Otherwise, you're just wasting your money, buying things that no one wants.

Recently, I decided not to do this any more. No longer will I screw up my courage, and force myself to down these rancid potions, purely because of social pressure. Some people will construe this as rudeness, no doubt. But if someone is going to take offence because I don't enjoy drinking cheap tasteless lager, then that person probably wasn't that great a friend of mine anyway. My real friends, I am sure, will be as considerate of my tastes as I will always be of theirs, and will make sure to ask who would like what, before ordering a round of drinks.

#TheApprentice - Melodic Interpretations

2011-06-23T15:43:00.004+01:00

I have a lot of respect for Lord Sugar, and he clearly has excellent business instincts, and a larger-than-average helping of common sense. There have been a few occasions in the past when I might have questioned his judgement on The Apprentice - but rarely have I disagreed with him so vehemently as I did during last night's episode.

(For those who haven't seen The Apprentice from 22nd June, I strongly recommend that you watch it on the BBC iPlayer.)

The task involved the candidates picking two British products, out of a range of ten presented to them, and travelling to Paris in order to sell their chosen inventions to French retailers. None of the products were available in Europe at the time, so it was up to the teams to help these British designers break into the continental market.

The result was a landslide victory for Team Venture, and a new Boardroom record for Executive Assistant, Helen Milligan, who has won every task on this series, and must surely, by now, be the favourite to win overall. For Team Logic, and Project Manager Tom Pellereau, there followed a Boardroom grilling by Lord Sugar. But when Lord Sugar asked, as he always does, "who is responsible for the failure of this task?", for me there could only be one answer - Melody Hossaini.

Melody, in my opinion, single-handedly ruined the task for the whole team, and should have been held accountable for her actions. Throughout the episode, she was rude, selfish, conniving, manipulative, disrespectful, dishonest and insubordinate - none of which are qualities which any good businessman (or woman) should display, and I cannot bring myself to believe that Lord Sugar would ever want a business partner who could be described in such terms.

The first mistake that Melody made was to take an over-romanticised view of the city of Paris. When selecting products to take to France, she was adamant (despite not actually being present at the selection process) that high-end designer items would go down best, and when Tom suggested a more practical item (a child's rucksack, which could turn into a booster seat for use in the car) she shot him down, saying "we're going to Paris, not Manchester, or somewhere up North - this isn't a car-boot sale!"

It is true that Paris is home to some haute-couture fashionista types - but not everyone there is like that! As in any big city, the population of Paris is a cross-section of humanity, and many of them are busy, working families, with exactly the same priorities as busy families in Manchester - or anywhere else, for that matter! Assuming that everybody in Paris looks and acts like the models in a Louis Vuitton advert is akin to judging the entire population of London based on Made In Chelsea. This was foolish of Melody, but it was, I think, an honest mistake - and it was nothing, compared with what was to come…

Upon arriving in Paris, Melody and the other member of that sub-team, Leon Doyle, embarked upon some market research, to try and ascertain which products would have the best chance of selling well in France. Ignoring a call from Tom, asking her to find out more about the important meeting Lord Sugar had set up for the teams the next day, with French retail giant La Redoute, Melody instead carried out her own "market research", consisting of accosting random strangers in a railway station and describing the products in faltering French - "err, it's a teapot, with a light inside it." - and then totally disregarding their answers anyway, making up her own facts and figures to feed back to Tom.

She confidently told Tom that the child's car-seat/rucksack item had not been a popular product, as "people here don't use cars very much - they all take the Metro instead, even families" but that the Teapot Lamp (another designer product the teams had to consider) had received a positive response overall, despite the fact that over half of the people she spoke to (of the ones shown on the television anyway) said that they wouldn't buy the Teapot Lamp, but they thought the car-seat that turns into a rucksack was a good idea.

Throughout the market research/product selection phase of the task, Melody ignored the express instructions of her Project Manager, and went her own way instead, before lying to Tom, and the rest of the team, feeding them false data, and manipulating the product choices, just because she didn't like one of the options Tom thought would be a good idea. Based on Melody's falsified information, Tom went against his own instincts - he was very much in favour of the car-seat/rucksack - and ultimately lost the task. It was later revealed that it had been that very product - the car-seat/rucksack - which had scored Helen her record-breaking deal of over €200,000.

But the melody doesn't stop, at this far-from perfect cadence. Leon and Melody had also been charged with fixing appointments at various retailers, for the team to pitch their products the following day, alongside the pitch Lord Sugar had laid on at La Redoute. As the better French-speaker, out of the two of them, Melody took the lead on this, and she succeeded in making eight appointments for the next day. At a team meeting later on, though, she insisted on keeping all of those appointments for herself, leaving Tom and Natasha Scribbins (the fourth member of Team Logic) with barely a thing to do the next day.

Tom and Natasha floundered in the La Redoute pitch, because the research Tom had asked Melody to do about the company had not been done, and they were left vulnerable and unprepared, while Melody ran her own show, completely irrespective of the fortunes of the rest of the team, and of any strategy Tom might've tried to outline. This lack of team spirit backfired on her later on, when, running late in the Parisian traffic (yes, it turns out the French do use their cars, after all!) she realised she would not be able to keep all the appointments she had made, and phoned Tom and Natasha, asking if they would take one for her.

It is true that Melody sold by far the most, out of the four members of Team Logic. But this is largely because she unfairly hoarded the appointments she had made with the small independent retailers, and sabotaged (intentionally or unintentionally) Tom and Natasha's pitch at La Redoute by failing to supply the information they needed, and had specifically asked her for. But, however she came by them, Melody's €8,000 of sales meant absolutely nothing, compared to her despicable attitude, and absolute lack of decency.

It is easy to blame Tom, for his leadership style - it is easy to point him out as weak, and unable to control Melody. But Melody shouldn't have needed "controlling" at all. She should've pulled together with the rest of the team willingly, and the fact that she didn't is, in itself, grounds enough for her to be fired. Added to the insubordination and lack of respect - Tom was her manager; he asked her to do something, and she failed to do it - the decision should've been fairly easy for Lord Sugar.

I was disappointed that, not only did he let Melody stay, Lord Sugar actually praised her for those very qualities - what he called her "ruthless determination" and "hunger to win" - which, in my opinion, make her completely unemployable.

"Wanting to win" is one thing - and we all accept that the word of business is, and should be, competitive - but rudeness, selfishness, lack of respect, and downright lies are unacceptable, in any context.

#TheApprentice - a rather late analysis

2011-06-13T19:39:00.002+01:00

Last week's episode of The Apprentice produced a record result in the Boardroom. The task - to collect rubbish from homes and businesses, and somehow turn it into profit - was a fiendishly difficult one, and in the end the winning team were ahead by just £6.

Six quid! That was it.

All this is very interesting, but what I found even more interesting was what happened after the results were announced. The ecstatic victors were whisked away to a luxury spa treatment (presumably to exfoliate the skin of their teeth) while the hapless losers were left to face the wrath of Lord Sugar.

But why was he angry? The team who lost this task floundered about on the first day, it is true, and they made some very poor decisions (although it is always easy to say such things, with the benefit of hindsight - the winning team's choices were described as "a massive gamble" before we knew they'd won, but "a brilliant strategy" afterwards) but on the second day, they rallied together, worked very well as a team, and more than made up for that disastrous day one.

As far as I'm concerned, there is no cause for anger here - no cause for anyone to be fired, just yet. Both teams returned a reasonable profit (and to be making a profit at all, on such a hard task, is a triumph, in my book!) and that tiny six-pound margin proves that both teams, in the end, were evenly matched.

But the rules of The Apprentice say that Lord Sugar has to be angry - and that he has to fire someone. Even if there is no cause for anger. What surprised me more, was the behaviour of the losing team…

As I mentioned, they did start off very shakily - but by the end of the second day on the task, they had completely turned things around, and were working very well together. They had a camaraderie, and a rapport - they actually worked like a team, rather than a group of individuals thrown together by circumstance.

Then, as soon as they heard that they had lost, that team spirit evaporated, and they turned on each other in the Boardroom.

At the time, this seemed worse, to me, than hearing that the team had made a loss.

Lord Sugar asked them, as he always does, "who is responsible for the failure of this task?" I was willing them to say "no one! There was no 'failure' in this task - we were just as good as the other team, and we were unlucky to have lost by under a tenner. No one should be fired this week, because the task was not a 'failure' at all."

But no! They behaved in the way they have been led to believe is "expected", and instantly scrambled to bitch about each other, and apportion blame. Each candidate was sickeningly eager to smear the other team members in front of Lord Sugar - when mere hours ago, they had been supporting each other, and pulling together for a common cause.

I do, of course, realise that the very nature of The Apprentice is that it is, in the end, an individual competition - and that even your team-mates are, therefore, also your rivals. But I felt it was a shame, in a task like this one, to see attitudes change so quickly.

I wonder what Lord Sugar would have done, had they not acted so - if they had stood their ground together, as a team, and refused to accept that anyone was responsible for the supposed "failure". After all, having fired two candidates in one episode the week before, he surely had the luxury of letting them off for one week?

I guess, now, we'll never know. I just think it might have been interesting to see what would've happened.

No news is good news

2011-05-24T20:06:00.000+01:00

I've been reading the recent Tweets and news articles about Ryan Giggs' affair, and consequent super-injunction, getting a little fed-up of hearing about it.

But then something occurred to me. What I find far more annoying than hearing about the Ryan Giggs and Imogen Thomas scandal all day long, is seeing other people pouting and posturing, sneering "this isn't news. Why do the media report this rubbish?"

Do these people expect that they should choose the news?!

It's not the fact that some people feel that the "celebrity gossip" style news might be less important than other types of news - wars, current affairs, world politics, economics, etc - that gets to me. In fact, have been known to express that opinion myself, on occasion! But I have never been so arrogant as to suggest that newspapers and television should stop reporting the "celebrity gossip" news items, just because they may not interest me.

People who believe that the world's media should change to suit them, and their interests, irritate me ten times more than news articles about sexed-up Premiership Footballers!

#F1 - tyred of pit-stops

2011-05-22T21:59:00.001+01:00

As a big Formula 1 fan, I avidly watch every race of the season - and have done, for some years now. However, I am beginning to get slightly exasperated with constant changes to rules and regulations, (which make it almost impossible to compare any two F1 seasons with each other) and with attempts to make the sport more "exciting". Especially, this year, with the move to Pirelli tyres.

I have nothing against Pirelli as a company, and I am sure that they make very high-quality tyres. But for this F1 season, they have specifically been asked to produce tyres which degrade quickly, and don't last very long. The result of this is many more pit-stops per race than we have seen before, to change tyres which have worn out after only a few laps, and a need for very different team strategies from in previous years.

Now, as I mentioned, this isn't the first attempt by the FIA to make F1 more "exciting". I've never really been in favour of this concept at all (you don't "design" excitment - that's like trying to plan spontaneity) but I think this new move, with the short-life tyres, is taking things too far.

In today's Spanish Grand Prix, choice of tyres played a big part in the teams' strategies; in my opinion, too big a part. I'm no expert - just an F1 fan, watching on my sofa at home every week - but it seems to me that the high levels of tyre degradation are, in fact, stopping the drivers' true skill levels coming into play.

Maybe I'm just becoming sentimental in my old age (of twenty) but I seem to be missing the days when a second-place driver, in a faster car, would work hard to catch the car in front, wearing down his lead by maybe one or two seconds a lap. Or when a driver would have to build up a lead over his rival, in order still to be in front after his pit-stop, maybe over a period of ten or fifteen laps. This year, you'd get half-way there, then you'd have to stop to change your tyres, and all that hard work would be lost!

I think that today's Grand Prix illustrated this particularly well, with the two Renault cars showing us just how much difference new tyres can make. Nick Heidfeld failed to qualify, and started from the back of the grid, in 24th place, while team-mate Vitaly Petrov qualified 6th, in an identical car. The two drivers have seemed reasonably well-matched in terms of skill, in previous Grand Prix, but Heidfeld gained 16 places during the race, to finish 8th today, with Petrov dropping back 5 places, and finishing in 11th.

So, why such a difference, between two closely-matched drivers in the same car? Tyres. Having not done a single lap of Qualifying on Saturday, Heidfeld had six brand new sets of tyres available to him during Sunday's race - in contrast, Petrov had used some of his tyres already, getting into the Top 10 in Saturday's Qualifying, and so had fewer sets of fresh tyres at his disposal the following day. Petrov's hard work and brilliant Qualifying drive all went to waste, while Heidfeld was (in my opinion) rewarded unduly for his lack of Qualifying performance.

In essence, it seemed to me that it didn't matter a whole lot how good a driver you were, how quick your car was, what grid position you'd managed to achieve in Qualifying, or anything - the only thing that mattered was having fresh tyres.

This was also, I felt, borne out by something BBC F1 commentator Martin Brundle said -

"As we've just seen, it doesn't matter what position you have - you're going to get nailed if you're not on the right tyre!"

So, to sum up, I seem to be missing the old days of F1 - whether this is pure sentimental nonsense, or not, I cannot say, but I certainly can't help but feel that these new tyres, and the changes to strategy that have come with them, are not an improvement.

Perhaps Pirelli can make us something that lasts a little longer, for next season?

Two more things about the Royal Wedding

2011-04-29T13:25:00.000+01:00

I just can't help myself, can I?!

Firstly, I would say that whatever your views on the concept of Royalty, or on the media's extraordinary "hype" over this event, anyone who would actively wish a couple ill on their wedding day is absoultely out of line...

And secondly, to the braying fools on social media today, if you really believe that "patriotism" and "racism" are synonyms, then it is you who are ignorant and misinformed...

Good day

I promised myself I wouldn't Blog about the Royal Wedding...

2011-04-28T20:49:00.001+01:00

...but now look what's happened!

I am noticing a certain amount of anti-Royal Wedding sentiment floating around, and, if I'm honest, it's making me rather uncomfortable; I don't feel that William and Kate deserve the kind of stick they've been getting from some quarters... I don't want to sound too cheesy, but I think if two people who love each other get married, that is something to be celebrated - whether they be Royal or not...

This post is somewhat inspired by a Tweet by comedian Chris Addison (of whom I am normally a big fan) about the wedding, which said -

Seriously, if people whom I actually know and like gave me this much info on their wedding in advance I wouldn't go.

OK, fair enough... But I'm guessing that if people you actually knew and liked told you about their wedding, and you reacted in such a surly and ungracious way, they probably wouldn't be your friends for much longer!

Yes, I understand that this particularly item of news may not interest everyone, but is there really any need for this persistent moaning? In my opinion, it's unnecessary, and actually quite disrespectful...

So, enjoy the wedding celebrations tomorrow - or ignore them, if you wish - but for goodness' sake, keep your whingeing negativity to yourself; it is of no benefit to anyone!

D'you know what really parks me up the wall?

2011-04-25T12:34:00.001+01:00

This is most infuriating...

I drive to the shop, and turn into the carpark, to see only a few spaces remaining... I find somewhere to park, but the person who's parked in the next space along unbelievable halfwit who can't manage to place his Renault Clio in the generously spacious gap between two easy-to-spot white lines on the ground...

As a result, I also have to park taking up more than one space, because this moron's cretinous parking is forcing me over too much to fit just in the space I selected... I'd love to go and find another space, without all these problems, but the shop and its carpark are very busy today, and there aren't many others to choose from...

All-in-all, the situation looks a bit like this -

Then, no sooner have I locked the car, and walked away (hiding my face as best I can, deeply ashamed of my parking, but knowing there's very little I can do about it!) the guy in the car to my left comes and puts his shopping in the boot, and drives off, leaving everyone else thinking that I'm the idiot who can't park a car properly!

This item is not suitable for Tumblr driers

2011-04-06T23:47:00.000+01:00

I'm rather afraid to say, Tumblr annoys me no end!

Some people spend hours and hours on Tumblr, posting things… Mostly it is something "funny" (the inverted commas here are crucial) and it has been "reblogged" from a hundred other Tumblr users who all saw it, sniggered, and decided to post it on their profiles too… The result being that the same "funny" posts (again, please note the inverted commas) appear on many different people's Tumblr pages…

But that's fine… If you want to spend your time re-telling other people's jokes, please, be my guest!

What's not so fine is when people link their Tumblr to their Twitter, or their Facebook… Every Tumblr post is automatically added to Facebook and Twitter, with a link, and it clogs up the feed… People are posting genuine Tweets, and Facebook Status updates, but they get lost amidst a sea of Tumblr posts…

And yes, I realise that I, too, have things which post automatically to Facebook, and to Twitter, which some people may not be interested in - but these are things like my 365 Project or Dailybooth (and this Blog, actually) which is a mere one or two posts a day, and can easily be ignored… Some of these Tumblr people are posting ten or twenty things every hour, for hours on end - it is a bit different!

Seriously - if I wanted to see all that stuff, I'd follow you on Tumblr!! But I don't…

Guess the glasses advert

2011-03-26T20:39:00.000Z

I've started playing a new game, when I'm watching television… It's called Guess The Glasses Advert…

I thought the point of advertising was to make your company stand out from the competition… This doesn't actually work, though, if all the major competitors in one field seem to be using the same advertising concept to sell themselves!

There are several major chains of opticians in the UK, and these days, all their adverts seem to go along the same lines…

They go something like this -

People in a normal situation
Comic confusion obviously caused by myopia occurs
Embarrassment and awkwardness ensue
Optician's logo and slogan appear on screen

If you can guess whether the advert is for SpecSavers, Boots Opticians, Vision Express, or whatever, before you get to Step Four, you win eleven points!

Check your jokes

2011-03-13T00:17:00.000Z

It is my belief that a joke can only be funny if it is also factually accurate...

Allow me to share a joke which I feel illustrates this point rather well -

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi!

(This joke was particularly popular, I remember, when I was at high school... Something about it bothered me, even then - now, I can explain what, exactly, that is...)

So, initially, this seems like a nice idea... Y'know, fungi - mushrooms, etc - and fun guy - a pleasant, sociable chap who'd probably enjoy a good party... Could be good, right?

But there's a problem with this, isn't there? The problem being that "fungi" is a plural, while "a fun guy" is a singular person...

In order to make the joke work, you'd have to say -

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungus!

Now, that would simply draw blank looks and bemused hand gestures, because it simply isn't funny... "A fun gus"...? That would only work if the name of this fun guy were Augustus - or Gus, for short! And for that to be apparent, you'd have to point it out beforehand, which would rather ruin the joke...

On the other hand, you could say this -

Why did the mushrooms go to the party?
Because they were fungi!

Again, that's not funny! "Because they were fun guy"...? What tosh!!

So yes - in my opinion, unless a joke can be accurate, it simply isn't going to amuse... If you're trying to write a joke, and you end up in a situation like this, please, just give up! It was a lovely thought, but it just isn't going to work - so try to forget it, and move on...

Karaoke ring of DEATH!

2011-02-10T03:27:00.001Z

This is my first time participating in a fun game - sorry, a MATTER OF LIFE-AND-DEATH - devised by my friends over at 20 Something Bloggers...

Everyone who enters makes a video of themselves singing a song, usually on a theme - this time, the theme is "Love or Anti-Love" - then each Blogger posts a different Blogger's video on his or her Blog... D'you see?

It is my delightful task to post a video by the lovely Coyote Rose, performing Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made For Walking", complete with full dance routine - so, here it is!

(I have also been ask to apologise for the behaviour of Steve - Rose's hair - in this video... I am given to believe he was "being a bitch"... Steve, how could you?!)

So, as the lady said, don't forget to check out the other Karaoke Bloggers from this month! If you want to brave my rendition of Porcupine Tree's "Pure Narcotic", you can view that here on Neal's Blog... A full list of all the Karaoke Blog links is available now on Sara's Blog - and HERE IT IS!

Hope you all enjoyed that - we will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming of cynicism, misanthropy and pedantry!

Inappropriate suffixes 1: "athon"

2011-02-08T23:22:00.000Z

The suffix -athon comes from the "marathon" - these days, anything deemed "epic", or especially large, or time-consuming is known as a "something-athon"…

Often, although not always, for charity, these can include "knitathons", "drumathons", "boxathons", "quizzathons" - and you know from the name that the event in question is going to involve an awful lot of people doing an awful lot of knitting, drumming, boxing, or quizzing…

Unfortunately, though, this doesn't work - otherwise the real marathon would actually be called a "runathon"! (Either that or it would be a twenty-four hour event to mar someone, or something! It's not - it's people in lyrca, running a lot…)

Why people have assumed that -athon just means "epic, tiring thing", I don't know... Although it does shed a new light on anyone called Jonathon!

The dating switchboard

2011-01-30T23:07:00.003Z

I'm thinking of having a switchboard system fitted to my phone, for when I call girls I've met to ask them on a date... It must get very tedious for these poor young ladies to have to think up reasons to say "no" all the time - much better for all concerned, I think, if everyone's favourite excuses are easily available, at the touch of a button!

A 'phone call would go something like this...

Hi, I'm Kit - we met at a bar in the city on Saturday?

When she responds to this opening gambit, an automated voice takes over...

If you already have a boyfriend, press 1

If you have recently been through a break-up, and "just need some space", press 2

If you thought I "seemed really nice", but you're "not looking to date anyone right now", press 3

Press 4 if you're busy on any or all of the dates I suggest

Press 5 if you're in a "complicated relationship"

If your job and/or degree doesn't leave you any time for dating, press 6

Press 7 if you "don't think it will work" (for whatever reason)

To change the subject and just avoid the issue all the time, press 8

Or if you actually want to be honest with me, press the # key to hang up

See? How much easier is that?!

BBC Radio 1 - seriously, just shut up!

2011-01-26T22:01:00.001Z

Having no iPod connector in my car for two weeks has forced me to listen to the radio again - something I haven't done since the days when I got the bus to school every morning, and the bus driver chose which radio station we all had to listen to…

So, picking up where I left off nearly six years ago, I am, once again, a Radio 1 listener… And yes, it's every bit as terrible as I remember its being!

Music… Isn't that the main point of Radio 1? Well, I thought so - but, there simply isn't enough of it! I am only listening to the radio because I can't listen to my iPod - I want to hear songs, for heaven's sake! There is far too much air-time spent on non-music activities, and that annoys me…

I don't want to hear the presenters' thoughts on the last track they played - I can make up my own mind! I don't want to hear them playing childish word games and larking around in the studio - if that's what I wanted to listen to when I was in my car, I'd offer my teenage sister and her friends a lift to college!

And I certainly don't need to be subjected to the views of other "members of the public"…!

They'll play a track by, say, Lady GaGa… Then at the end of the song, it'll be "and we've had a lot of texts coming in from you about that song… Jacqui in Devon says she loves Lady GaGa - but Algernon from Clydemouth says he finds Lady GaGa nauseating… And Juan - listening to us online, all the way from sunny Cadiz - is certain that it's actually pronounced 'Lardy GaGa' - thanks Juan!"

Yeah? NOBODY CARES!!

So, Radio DJs - less talking, more music! And that goes for all radio stations I've tried… There are radio stations which don't play music, and which are dedicated to talking shows, and that's great… But for a station like Radio 1, which presents itself first-and-foremost as a "music station" - "playing the best in new music" - the ratio needs to change dramatically!

Oh, and one more thing… Is it just me, or do all the DJs on Radio 1 sound the same? They all have the same voice! I'm sure that the BBC just hires one male DJ and one female DJ, and then they have to be all the different "characters" presenting the different radio shows throughout the day… (They can't get much sleep, either, I'm thinking!)

Politics and comedy - 10 O'Clock Live

2011-01-23T00:54:00.002Z

Last night, I finally got around to watching a new programme on Channel 4, Ten O'Clock Live, which has been advertised quite a bit lately... Channel 4's website describes it as a weekly, live comedy and current affairs show hosted by David Mitchell, Jimmy Carr, Charlie Brooker and Lauren Laverne - so I was looking forward to it...

Comedy and politics are two big interests of mine... I love Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell, I like Jimmy Carr as well, and I'm fairly ambivalent about Lauren Laverne... Naturally, I had high hopes for this show!

So, did it work? Well, not as well as I'd hoped, I'm afraid to say...

Some parts were good - most particularly, Charlie Brooker's Newswipe-style break-downs of current affairs topics such as Sarah Palin... However, I felt other parts of the programme didn't really come off...

In particular, the debate on bankers' bonuses was something of a flop, with very little content, and not enough time spent to do much more than gloss quickly over the main points of the issue...

Like other news and politics programmes, Ten O'Clock Live had brought in three interviewees to debate this issue, from contrasting perspectives - these three people were meant to bring their differing views to a round-table debate on "bonus culture" in modern banking, chaired by David Mitchell... Although I am usually a big fan of Mitchell (as I've already mentioned) I didn't feel he did a good job chairing this debate, as the "host" of the show - I thought he was more concerned with playing to the crowd, as a comedian, than talking to the three guests as a political broadcaster...

The topic is a contentious one - and rightly so - and this means that a good, strong debate could be had... Unfortunately, the public mood in this country at the moment is very anti-bank and anti-banker, and Mitchell decided it would be much easier to jump on that bandwagon, and cut across the guests as they tried to make their points with cheap jibes at the bankers than to let all sides of the argument be heard equally... I felt this was a shame - it turned what could have been an interesting feature into an uninformative, populist banker-bashing farce...

Contrast this with Jimmy Carr's interview with an environmentalist academic with some unusual ideas about solving what are commonly referred to as "green" issues - Carr managed to be clever, entertaining and funny, without preventing the professor putting his points forward...

On the other hand, Carr's piece about the Tunisian unrest, in which he tried to sell Tunisia as a holiday destination, in a daytime TV-style pitch, felt strained, with many of the jokes seeming rather tired and predictable...

So, on the whole, a mixed reaction to the first broadcast of Ten O'Clock Live... I think I probably will keep watching, over the next few weeks - but I will know, now that this a comedy and current affairs show with the emphasis very much on the comedy side, and I will know not to expect serious political commentary to take precedence over getting a few cheap laughs out of a typical studio audience...

"Foibles" part one: banknotes

2011-01-19T15:16:00.001Z

So, I figured people might be getting a little bored of reading my curmudgeonly musings on roadworks, and buses, and television advertising... So, instead, I thought it might be fun to give a little insight into me, and how I live - through a short series of posts about the weird little quirks and foibles I seem to have... (You might not think it's fun, of course - but if you don't, why not just go away?!)

Anyhow, this first post is going to be about how strangely obsessive I am, when it comes to storing money...

Obviously, coins just rattle around loose in one's pocket, or in the glove compartment of one's car, and there's very little anyone can do about that! But when it comes to notes, I am very pernickity about how I put them away in my wallet...

Firstly, I cannot stand it when banknotes are creased and folded over at the corners... Some older notes' corners are folded several times, but I hate putting them away like that, and always insist on unfolding and flattening every note, before putting it away - even if that means holding up a queue of people waiting to pay for something, while I'm unfolding the corners of my change! (Yeah, sorry about that!)

Of course, different denominations of banknotes are different sizes - but when I put several notes of different values into my wallet, I have to line them all up by the bottom right-hand corner... Like this -

And of course, it goes without saying they all have to be the same way up, and facing the same way, with the Queen facing backwards... (I don't know why I always have the Queen facing backwards - it's nothing personal! There's no logical reason, that's just the way I always do it...)

Anyway, that turned out to be duller than I thought, so tune it next time to read more boring stuff...

"Lush" and other drugs

2011-01-04T15:00:00.001Z

This is something that's been bothering me for a little while now, and I had to write about it, in the end! Although I know they are very popular at the moment, and the founders even got honoured in the New Years Honours List, I simply cannot stand those Lush Cosmetics shops!

Why? For two reasons - allow me to explain…

Firstly, the aroma… The smell of these shops is quite nauseating - the combination of dozens of different varieties of bath bombs, bars of soap, novelty shower gels, and fizzy foam that makes your hair sparkle, oll available in a range of flavours and scents, in close proximity, creates a fug of unpalatable gasses liable to cause asphyxiation to anyone lingering too long near the open doorway…

This problem is particularly bad, it is worth noting, in my own hometown of Norwich… In Norwich, we have a branch of Lush Cosmetics, and it's situated right opposite Norwich Market… Time was, you could walk the length of Norwich Market, inhaling the beautiful scent of a rich variety of fish'n'chip stalls cooking glorious Two Star Chips all the way… There is no greater aroma, I am sure you'll agree, than traditional British fish'n'chips cooking, lingering tantalisingly on a very slight breeze, tempting even those who have just finished eating to order a portion… Now the wonderful smells of the chip stalls on the market are gone forever - masked by the overpowering pungency of the Lush Cosmetics shop opposite!

The second reason, though, is the kind of people that these places attract… Without wishing to offend any of my readers who might patronise such establishments, the Lush Cosmetics shops do seem to be populated mainly (although, it is worth pointing out, not exclusively) by hordes of a particular breed of waif-like, beret-wearing, hippie-stroke-indie teenage girls who think they're too damn good to look at you!

So please, for goodness' sake, let's get rid of these terrible places, and replace them all with banks, or fish'n'chip shops, or strip clubs, as soon as possible! (Or some crazy, wild combination, with a strip club inside a fish'n'chip shop, perhaps? How would that work, exactly? It's a genius idea, there's no denying - but probably a topic for another post…)

Dancing games

2010-12-27T18:09:00.000Z

I remember the days when the "dance mats" for Sony PlayStation were immensely popular... Anyone who was anyone owned one (I didn't) and schools and youth clubs would hold "dance mat competitions" for all the local kidz to compete it... Personally, I never felt it counted as real dancing at all - I still maintain that using a PlayStation dance mat made you look like someone trying to play Hopscotch in a shower cubicle!

However, with the advent of "motion sensor based" gaming - firstly with the Nintendo Wii, and now, more recently, with Kinect for XBox - the idea of fusing video games and dancing is once again enjoying a certain amount of popularity...

These new games seem to provide more actual dancing than the old dance mats used to, and yet, I still struggle to see their worth...

Y'see, I thought that dancing was mainly a social activity... (If we ignore, for a minute, professional dancers dancing in competitions, and so on...) I don't really see much point in boogieing down to some Tina Turner when I'm on my own, standing in front of the television! Yes, it's true that the current adverts on TV for these "dance game" products show the games being used socially, at house parties and so on, but always in a situation where one or two people are dancing, while the other party guests crowd 'round like spectators at an illegal cage fight somewhere in Thailand... It just doesn't strike me as a particularly enjoyable party activity!

I think, at the end of the day, whether you do it alone, or with friends, you are still dancing around your own living room, staring at the TV screen - and, quite frankly, you probably look a bit of a plonker!

#Snow in the UK!

2010-12-18T19:03:00.000Z

Ohmigod it's SNOWING!!

Yeah, great... I'm actually beginning to get quite annoyed by how pathetic we, in Great Britain, are, as a nation, at dealing with snow...

After all, it's not that unusual, is it? We get some snow most years, during the winter - and yet, every year it's the same! We panic, and we cancel things... Any things! We close schools, and we decide to stop going to the shops, and we start to dress in skins and communicate only in grunts and nods...

And, although I'm not all that old myself, I'm sure this is only a fairly recent thing... I remember walking to school in the snow, and having snowball fights in the playground at lunchtime... I actually used to take a sledge to school sometimes, when it snowed; our school field used to slope down to the river, and you could slide down it, and have races - it was great fun!

These days, though, you only have to shout the word "snow" loud enough, and your local school will close! People will start panic-buying things like milk and carrots (which, apparently, are essential weapons against cold weather!) and fuel...

For some reason, the inclement weather is an excuse to drop everything, lose all common sense and run around like the proverbial decapitated poultry... Quite frankly, I think it's pathetic! In my opinion, life goes on - and if the weather's bad you should just stop being so feeble, cope with it, and just get on with things!

Ten reasons not to go to the cinema

2010-12-05T17:09:00.002Z

I recently went to the cinema - for the first time in 2010... I went to see the new Harry Potter film with my sister - but before we could watch it, we were forced to sit through a good couple of hours of trailers...

One of these trailers featured actors Simon Pegg and Nick Frost trying to sell "the cinema experience" (rather a waste of time, I felt, since all of us there, watching the trailer, had already bought "the cinema experience") to convince people that they do need to watch films in the cinema, instead of just waiting for the DVD to come out and watching it at home...

Now, they are famous, successful, funny men; I am none of those things... But still, I am going to try and argue the opposite - that going to the cinema really isn't worth it, and that waiting to buy the DVD to watch the film at home actually is the best choice...

I shall do this in the form of an unimaginatively numbered "one-to-ten" list, thus -

One: "cost"
A trip to the cinema these days really is histrionically expensive... Not only do you have to get there (and however you do that, it'll cost money somehow - in petrol, parking, rail tickets, bus fare, taxis, horseshoes, rickshaws, or re-heeling your favourite brogues) but once you're there, you pay nearly £10 for an adult ticket (you can get in for less, but you won't be able to see the lower two-thirds of the screen) before realising you're really thirsty, and all you can do is spend £3 on a small bottle of water...

Two: "food"
Like a lot of people, I'm rather fond of a snack or three while watching television, and the same applies when watching a movie... There is food available at the cinema - but, as one might expect, it is, of course, very expensive! Not only is it very expensive, though - it is pretty horrible, too... I've never enjoyed eating popcorn (it's like deep-fried fibreglass, dipped in tar) and neither do I care much for hotdogs made of plastic, or chips made of cardboard - and so, I have to sit watching the film, feeling hungry while everyone else around me munches this disgusting fodder irritatingly loudly, and wishing I could ring for a plate of bœuf bourguignon!

Three: "adverts"
As I mentioned in the unnecessarily long preamble to this post, there are a lot of adverts and trailers to sit through, before the movie... Those of you who follow me on Twitter will already know that I despise television advertising - at the cinema, you have to sit through all the same crass, poorly-executed adverts you get on television, plus a bunch of trailers for films you'd never want to see, before you even get close to the film you've actually come to watch!

Four: "temperature"
The actual auditorium at the cinema is kept stifling hot at all times... Every visit to the cinema, for me, ends the same way - emerging from the auditorium at the end of the film, gasping for air and blinking in the light, wishing the place provided swimming facilities and showers on-site... I'm not sure who decided that the ideal environment to enjoy a film would be, essentially, a sauna fitted with tip-up seats - but I'm pretty sure it was the same man who gets all the profits from the cinema food stalls and vending machines, since, as far as I can see, the only reason for keeping the place so warm is to induce cinema-goers to spend all their money on the phenomenally overpriced drinks and ice-creams as they try to cool down!

Five: "lack of control"
At the cinema, you have no control over what's happening... What I'm talking about here, really, is the ability to pause the film - at the cinema, you just can't, but, when watching a DVD, it's easy! Let's say, half-way through the film, you need to get up to open a second bottle of Scotch, answer the telephone, give advice to the home secretary, or help yourself to a second serving of bœuf bourguignon - simple, just press "pause", do whatever you have to do, then come back to the television, and pick up where you left off... In the cinema, of course, doing any of these things would cause you to miss one of the most important scenes in the film - the bit where the plucky, underdog hero discovers the villain's fatal weakness, for example... (It's his emotions - I'll bet you anything you like!)

Six: "other people"
Other people annoy me in most situations, actually, so this is less of a flaw with the cinema, and more of a flaw in my character - but I think it's worth mentioning anyway... I don't go to the cinema often - but, every time I do, someone sitting in the row in front of me decides that they have to go to the toilet part-way through the film... For a good ninety seconds, my view of the screen is obscured by someone else's bobbing head as they shuffle past other cinema-goers from their seat, which is, predictably, right in the middle of the row... (Why don't these weak-bladdered movie fans pick a seat near the aisle?!) Then five minutes later, the whole charade is repeated, in reverse, while the hapless man tries to return to his seat, blissfully unaware of what the rest of us in the audience now know about the villain's fragile emotional state... Watching the DVD at home, however, this is not an issue... My lounge is not laid out in rows - it has a sofa, and a television - and I only have friends with strong bladders, capable of watching a film from start-to-finish, without needing a break to visit the bathroom... If anyone I'm watching the film with does need to leave the room for any reason, before the film has finished, I can simply pause it for them, and wait for them to return, as I explained earlier... (And I can nick their bœuf bourguignon while they're not looking!)

Seven: "internet access"
This, again, may be more of a problem within myself, than with the cinema - but, as you probably know by now, I quite like the internet... I like social networking online, and I like Tweeting things as they happen - in the cinema my fancy-schmancy 3G iPhone must be switched off, and kept in my pocket, and I am cut off for two hours or more... No doubt those who follow me down the various different dark alleyways of the online world are glad of the brief respite from my ramblings, but I feel irritated and removed from my comfort-zone in this situation, and I don't like it... Perhaps I should see a therapist?

Eight: "analysis and discussion"
Right at the beginning of this, I said that the last film I watched was the new Harry Potter, which I saw with my sister... I often watch films with my sister - she is a big movie fan, and even has a membership card for some "movie lovers' mutual back-slapping club" at the Odeon cinema, which entitles her to free Pepsi Max every second Tuesday of the month, or something like that... My point, though, is that she knows a lot more about film than I do, and while watching something with her, I often find it helpful to discuss the plot/script/costumes/makeup with her as we go along... In the cinema, I can't do this, as I feel I'd be disturbing other people (yep, them again!) by talking during the film... Conversely, however, I often have to sit through a film punctuated by the asinine remarks of those same other people, because they don't have the same respect or consideration for my enjoyment of the movie as I do for theirs...

Nine: "reusability"
I'm not sure that's even a word... But what I mean, as I'm sure you know, is that once you've bought your tickets to see a film, you see it once, and then you leave the cinema and go home, and that's it... If you want to see the film a second time, you have to go through the whole rigmarole over again! But when you buy a DVD, if you like it, you can watch it as many times as you like, for no extra charge - or if you don't like it, you can sell it on eBay, or give it to a casual acquaintance or brother-in-law as a birthday present...

Ten: "extra stuff"
A DVD gives you extra features... Sitting in the cinema gives you cramp, and a headache... I know which I'd rather have! (Actually, if I'm honest, I'm never that bothered by all that extra stuff on a DVD... But I know that lots of people really enjoy seeing a film, and then getting to know it by watching all the other bits - the director's commentary, deleted scenes, cast interviews, behind-the-scenes footage, etc...)

So there you have it - ten reasons not to go to the cinema, but to stay at home instead and actually allow yourself to enjoy a film!

Films I haven't seen

2010-11-07T23:32:00.001Z

You may remember my last post about cinema - or, you may not... To be honest, I'm not sure I do...

Recently, however, it occurred to me how many films I have not seen, which people expect everyone to have seen... Y'know, really well-known, famous movies - the kind that everyone has seen... Except, err, I haven't!

So, I have made a list of so-called "must-see movies", which I haven't seen... And here it is!

- Titatnic (I've seen bits of it, but I've never seen the whole film)
- any of the Star Wars films (except The Phantom Menace - and I can't remember what happened in that anyway)
- The Shawshank Redemption
- The Godfather (nor any of its sequels)
- Schindler's List
- Silence Of The Lambs
- Gladiator
- Fight Club
- Saving Private Ryan
- any of the Terminator films
- Reservoir Dogs
- Taxi Driver
- any of the Die Hard films
- any of the Rocky films
- Rambo (although, bizarrely, I have seen Rambo II)
- Apocalypse Now
- The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
- Jurassic Park
- Back To The Future
- any of the Indianna Jones films
- any Star Trek at all, ever
- Braveheart
- A Clockwork Orange
- Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
- Breakfast At Tiffany's
- The Wizard Of Oz
- The Bridge On The River Kwai
- Top Gun
- most James Bond films (although I've seen bits of some, and I think all of one, but I don't remember which - there was a girl with half an ear in it, I think?!)
- Blade Runner (I've seen parts of it - and I've analysed the soundtrack - but I've never seen the whole thing)
- Citizen Kane
- The Excorcist
- A Hard Days Night
- either of the King Kong films
- Pulp Fiction
- Groundhog Day
- any of the Jaws films
- When Harry Met Sally
- One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
- The Shining
- Amelie
- any of the Alien films (except the first half of Alien 3 - in fact, it may not even have been half)
- The Sixth Sense
- Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
- American Beauty
- Bambi
- The Big Sleep

If you can think of any "must-see" films which I haven't mentioned, ask me in the comments if I've seen them - the answer's probably "no"!

Mobile phone improvements

2010-09-30T14:07:00.001+01:00

Another "laughable" post (to put it bluntly!) so I'm sure you'll all be cracking up by the time you've read to the end...

Now, I'm not going to moan a lot about how terrible modern mobile phones are, and how rude everyone who dares actually to use one is... Because that's simply not true - I actually rather like mobile phones, I think they're a good thing, I don't even mind people using them! And I'm also most impressed with how they have been improving lately - the advancements in mobile phone technology over the past few years are actually quite remarkable...

However, there is one thing which has been a major problem with mobile phones, for as long as I can remember... (And it's not the direct correlation between IQ level, and ringtone selection, which I still maintain exists!)

Despite the fact that I can now post to this Blog while I'm sitting in a layby on the A11 (aren't you glad?!) and update my Facebook status while I'm in a lift, I still have to suffer every audio device within three miles setting up a rumpus every time I use my phone!

Why is this? Why hasn't this cacophonous irritation been removed from our lives yet?

I think that all mobile phone companies need to put on hold all their development of new products, and all their research into new ideas, until they have figured out how people can receive text messages without their radio-alarm-clocks going buh-ba-duh! buh-ba-duh! buh-ba-duh! buh-ba-duh! the whole time!

Don't you?

Using more words doesn't always make you smart

2010-09-28T19:37:00.000+01:00

Here's something I've been wanting to talk about for a while, now...

All too often, people seem to think that the more words they use, when they speak, the greater will be their perceived intellect... Sadly, this is not always the case!

A common example of this is as follows... Somebody sees, for instance, a film (let's say, "Shrek 7") and they don't like it... "I was not impressed, in any way, shape or form," they say to me...

That expression - "in any way, shape or form" - is becoming increasingly common in everyday speech... Presumably the person saying it (in this case, our disgruntled cinema-goer) thinks "look at me, showing off my fulsome vocabulary, and extraordinarily impressive and varied grasp of the English language - I'm so clever!"

However, listening to him, I merely think "well done, you have used three incredibly simple words, when one would have done the job just fine - you pillock!"

Clearly, I only think that... I wouldn't say that to his face - that would just be rude! (Instead, I would just let him find this Blog post, and discover that I have been talking about him behind his back with you lovely internet people, and we've all been having a good ol' laugh at his expense... Much more sensitive and polite, don't you think?!)

Another example is seen a lot on television - particularly in interviews, factual programmes, and so on... Politicians do it a lot, actually! I am referring, of course, to the crass over-use of the word "absolutely", which lately, seems to have become a synonym for the word "yes"...

I'm not entirely sure when "absolutely" underwent this transformation, nor indeed what was involved, but now, when someone being interview on TV wishes to answer a question in the affirmative, they say "absolutely", instead of "yes"...

"So, Minister, is it true that you now plan to tax ferret ownership, for anyone earning above twelve thousand pounds a year?"
"Absolutely!"
"And do you think this is a policy which your voters will like?"
"Absolutely!"
"Are you, then, suggesting that the Ferret Tax will be beneficial to the majority of low-to-middle income families living in Britain today?"
"Absolutely!"

You see how inane it is?

So, for goodness' sake, please stop it!

Please only say what you need, and no more, and no less, and nothing unnecessary, and certainly not any more than is required!

How to putt a parrot

2010-09-06T23:32:00.001+01:00

Actually, I know very little about putting parrots, never having done it myself - I just thought it would be a nice way to follow on from the "how to cut a carrot" post...

So, yeah, there isn't much to say in this topic... So, instead, I'll give you a poorly-Photoshopped picture of what I imagine putting a parrot might look like...

And so, that concludes this nonsense...

How to cut a carrot

2010-09-05T19:14:00.006+01:00

It always surprises me how many people get this wrong - surely it's just plain common sense?!

Of course, you want all your slices of carrot to be roughly even, so that they all take the same time to cook... Everyone knows that larger slices will take longer to cook right the way through than smaller slices, so you have decide beforehand what size slices you want, and allow enough time for whatever size slices you've decided upon to cook properly...

However, there is a complication - and it's one which often gets overlooked... Slicing a carrot regularly, right from one end to t'other, may seem like the ideal - but in real life, this is fraught with difficulties! Because, you see, in the real world, very few carrots are of an even width, all the way along - they taper, dontcha know, they taper!

Observe these carrots -

(I must confess, I did not, actually, take this photograph of carrots myself - I stole it from the internet...)

But you can see, in the picture, how the carrots taper, can't you? So, if your slices are the same thickness all the way down your carrot, each slice will actually be a different volume of carrot, due to the varying width... And, when you take your carrots out of the pan to serve them, a few may be cooked nicely, but many will be overcooked and mushy, while many others will be still raw in the middle... Disaster!

So, here's what you do...

You start at the wide end of the carrot, slicing very thin slices... You then work your way down towards the thin end of the ~~wedge~~ carrot, gradually increasing the thickness of the slices you cut, to compensate for the ever-diminishing width of the carrot... This means that, although the slices may look less even than you have previously been used to, you are actually creating a more regular volume of carrot in each slice than ever before, and now, when you serve up your portions of carrots, each slice will have been cooked to perfection - no more, and no less!

Now, isn't that nice?

Bad television

2010-09-01T22:28:00.003+01:00

I am going to expand on some ideas I had on my Twitter recently, about bad television...

It was as I sat, watching daytime TV, before going out to a gig, one day... I saw trailers for programmes which seemed so bad, I couldn't believe anyone would really want to watch them!

But then I thought - with so many television channels, these days, surely almost all ideas for television series will, eventually, get commissioned...? How bad would an idea for a new TV show have to be, for one of these "new channels" to turn it down?!

Is the modern plethora of TV channels spoiling the "art" of television? Are the days of quality programming slipping away from us? It certainly seems, more and more, that good television - informative and challenging documentaries, gripping dramas with well-written exciting plots and well-written scripts, high-quality sports coverage, and laugh-out-loud comedy shows - is being usurped by the televisual equivalent of the tabloid press, and those repuslive "real life!" magazines about children with two noses who get bullied at school...

So I started coming up with a few of my own ideas for bad television, which might well end up being shown in the middle of the day on some trashy TV channel called "Really" or "Watch" or "Dave" or "BBC3" or whatever...

So, what do you think... Would you watch any of these?

- Celebrities Eating Rice
A brand new celebrity show!
Each week, three understandably minor celebrities see who can eat the most rice... Their bowls are refilled each time they finish their rice, until they can eat no more! The celebrity who has consumed the most bowls of rice is deemed the winner, and wins a meal for two in a Thai restaurant, and three month's free membership to Bannatyne's Health and Fitness Club... (The programme makers guarantee that you will only have heard of one out of the three celebrities featured each week!)
Hosted by a terrifying genetic fusion of Graham Norton and Bruce Forsyth

- Feet, LIVE!
An observational scientific documentary - cameras installed at ground-level on Oxford Street in London show a live feed of the feet of passers-by...
Live commentary on the feet by Murray Walker

- Ross Kemp - in a Mini
Every week, Ross tries to see how many of a certain item he can fit into an old-school British Mini Cooper motor car... Each programme starts with a camera close-up on Ross' face, and the phrase "hi, I'm Ross Kemp, and tonight, I'm going to see how many *things* I can fit into this Mini!" The schedule for the "things" as a follows -
Week One - poppadums
Week Two - goose eggs
Week Three - second-edition copies of "Lady Chatterley's Lover", by D.H. Lawrence
Week Four - six-week-old Burmese kittens
Week Five - paper dinner plates
Week Six - Seiko radio/alarm clocks
Week Seven - Volvic natural mineral water (750ml bottles, with sports caps)
Week Eight - Liberal Democrat activists

- Survival
Twelve random members of the public are kept under constant surveillance, until one of them dies... They could all be involved in freak accidents mere weeks after filming starts, meaning the programme will be over very quickly - then again, the series could last upwards of fifty years, if any of the "life-mates" live on until they die of natural causes...
Presented by Davina McCall, and whichever one of Ant and Dec can win a thumb war

- Yeastenders
Gritty, real-life drama about life in a busy London bakery...
Starring Natalie Cassidy, and that knob from "Skins" with the tattoos

So, what do you reckon? Any of those good enough actually to be made into real television shows?

Ps -
If any television executives or channel bosses are reading this, you should know that I watch a lot of TV, and if I see any of these shows actually being broadcast, I will sue you! However, if you wish to contact me about buying the rights to any of these ideas, I certainly shall be open to offers...!

If you use Foursquare, people will nick your stuff, murder your family, and you will end up in an asylum

2010-08-07T17:06:00.000+01:00

Yeah, right...

I use Foursquare... If you do too, and want to add me, you can do so here - I honestly don't mind your knowing that I'm going to the pub, that I'm driving to work, that I'm on holiday in Swindon (the UK's number one tourist hotspot!) or whatever...

I have been told - I'm sure lots of people have - that by telling people when I'm out of the house, I increase my chances of being burgled... I've seen absolutely no statistical evidence either way, on this topic - and, since I'm being paid precisely nothing for my time here, I can't be bothered to go and look for any... Instead, I shall bore you with my own (extremely well-thought-out) theories on the matter...

Now, I'm well aware why people would think that Foursquare would make you a priority target for your friendly local house-breaker... You are publicising to the world that you are not at home - that, if somebody tried to enter your property unlawfully, right now, you would not be there to stop them...

But there are several problems with that idea...

Firstly, whilst Foursquare might tell you that I'm not at home, it doesn't tell you that nobody else is... I live with two other people (my dad and my sister) and a dog - my Foursquare checkins tell you nothing whatever of their whereabouts, so a burglar might see my checkin, realise that I'm not at home, turn up, thinking that coast in clear, only to find that everyone else is still in...

Secondly, Foursquare tells you where I am - not where I'm not... I don't list my home address anywhere on the website, so any burglars perusing the site would think something along the lines of "ah, Kit Marsden is not at home - I can go to his house and steal everything he owns! Wait a minute... Where is his house? I know he's not at home, but I've no idea where he lives!"

Of course, a burglar could probably find out where I lived if, after seeing that I was not at home, he Googled me, and found out my home address that way... But why would anyone go to these extraordinary lengths to burgle me anyway? I'd have thought that anyone breaking into my house would be merely opportunistic - the kind of coolly premeditated robberies that take months of planning and require research and whole teams of people are usually reserved for far higher profile targets than I could be considered to be!

But, perhaps most importantly of all, being a Foursquare user has no effect on the fact that I always close all the windows before I go out, and make sure to lock the front door as I leave... Of course, I'm aware that a determined man could break in despite such elementary precautions - but, that is true regardless of what websites I use, or what information I put online about myself! My point, really, is that a burglar hoping to break into my house will encounter exactly the same obstacles whether he rocks up at my house by chance and decides to do a spot of stealing on the spur of the moment, and I just so happen to be out, or whether he has decided specifically to target my house because he knows for a fact, through the medium of Foursquare that I am at Birchanger Green Service Station on the M11...

The limitations of using WiFi in a hotel

2010-07-25T23:31:00.001+01:00

I'm at the Village Hotel in Elstree, London... (Don't know where that is? Well, y'do now!)

Anyway, I'm using the WiFi here to get on the internet... It's provided free, so I guess I shouldn't really complain... But I'm going to complain anyway! And that complaint will take the form of a list... (Several lists, in fact!)

Here is list of internet-based stuff I've so far been able to achieve, from my hotel room -
- Facebook (although pictures don't always load first time around)
- Dailybooth
- Blogger
- Google (although slow)
- 365 Project
- Last.fm
- The BBC (standard site - I haven't tried to use iPlayer on this connection!)
- The Daily Telegraph

Here is a list of internet-based stuff I've so far not been able to achieve, from my hotel room -
- 1&1 internet
- Send or receive emails (I can access my emails through my iPhone, but not from my laptop!)
- Spotify

Here is a list of internet-based things which seem to work, and yet don't quite make it, and thus are extremely confusing -
- TwitPic (I can access the site, and view my pictures, but it won't let me log in!)
- Amazon (I can access the site, log in, browse, and add items to my shopping basket, but as soon as I try and "go to checkout", I can't!)

I am perplexed and frustrated, infuriated and puzzled...

In a pickle, with salami

2010-07-12T17:59:00.003+01:00

So, salami is meat, which you buy, in a packet, and it's ready to eat... Or is it?

I recently went through some tribulations with a packet of salami - I'll tell you about it...

When you buy a packet of salami, the slices of meat are arranged in an overlapping pattern... That's fine - the problem is, that the piece at the top, is at the bottom... D'you see? No? OK, here's a picture...

Do you see how the overlapping salami slices seem to be the wrong way around? The one which is at the top of the pile, is at the bottom of the packet...

So, what's the problem? Essentially, you have to open the packet fully, just to get at the first slice... You can't just peel the top down a couple of inches, because you only fancy a couple of pieces of salami, and don't want to open the packaging all the way...

Observe...

With the packet half-way open, you you can't get at the top slice of meat... You have to take the bottom one, and try and slide it out from underneath all the others...

Of course, the packet of salami, half-open, ought to look like this...

Don't you see how much better that is...?

Yes, it is, isn't it?

So, I hope that all the people who sell salami in this convoluted way will read this, and do something about it!

The inevitable "I've got an iPhone and you're gonna hear about it!" post

2010-07-05T13:35:00.001+01:00

So, last week, I got an iPhone... Not a new 4G one - I'm not that awesome - but an old 3G version...

I like it... I've only had it a week, but I'm already liking it a lot!

I'm not going to start reviewing the features, I'm not going to take a load of photos of it, and I'm certainly not going do any kind of tests on it... After all, an iPhone 3G is fairly "old-hat" now - I'm sure everyone reading this knows what they look like, what the main features are, and that, should they wish, there are a billion comprehensive reviews, from all angles and perspectives, available on the internet already...

What I am going to do, is ask this question... What is it that makes an iPhone better than, say a Blackberry, or an Android phone?

The answer? Well, nothing, actually... I know plenty of people who prefer those alternative Smartphones, and would much rather have one over an iPhone... But equally, I know I'm not the only person who would choose the iPhone over those others...

Discussions on the internet always seem to get rather heated, on this topic... Particularly, I've noticed, between the two rival "camps" of iPhone users, and Android users... I'm never sure why they feel the need to get so intense about it - it's only a choice of phone, for goodness' sake!

Personally, I am a big fan of Apple products... I'm typing this post on my MacBook Pro, I listen to music on my iPod Classic, and, now, I do all kinds of mobile telecommunicational activities on my iPhone 3G... The reason is, that I find Apple products work, for me... I'm quite ready to admit that they won't work for everyone - but, for me, they're great...

I think that's the whole crux of this ridiculous issue, actually... The idea of personal preference plays an enormous part in the choosing of these gadgets, and it all comes down to what kind of person you are...

On some level, I suspect that the designers at Apple are actually very similar to me... I think we must think the same, have the same ways of working, and so on... Which, I think, is why the products they design make so much sense to me... Apple's operating systems just "click" with my way of thinking, and always seem incredibly intuitive... The devices always work in the way I expect them to - everything about them (well, almost - nobody's perfect!) is designed in a way which makes me think "yeah, that's how I would've had it done!" And, as such, I feel very much at home using iPhones, iPods, Macs, and so on... It's almost as if they were designed just for me...

Now, not everyone's like me... I know many people who don't like the way Apple's products operate, and who find Windows, or Android, or the Blackberry operating system, much easier to work with... Those systems seem to make more sense to them, and they work much better with them...

I'm not sure whether there are any correlations to be discovered here... Is it true, for instance, that most "creative" types prefer working with Apple Macs, while businesses tend to lean towards PCs? I've no idea... And I can't be bothered to do enough research to find out...!

All I do know, is, that if somebody has a particular affinity for products which are designed in a certain way, and which work in a certain way, they're not "stupid" - they're not being "narrow-minded" or "a fanboy"... They just have a different approach to using technology from you... And, what's great, is that, in the modern technological market-place, there really is something for everyone...!

So, whether the iPhone's design really strikes a chord with you, or whether you find it clumsy, unintuitive, and you much prefer to use a Blackberry, that's fine! Just remember that not everyone will have the experiences using those devices...

OK? Good! :)

When I am the Minister for Transport (part two)

2010-06-23T14:28:00.001+01:00

As a musician, I do seem to do quite a lot of travelling - most of it by road… (I drove over eight hundred miles in one weekend, last week…) And one of the things which annoys me most about travelling in the car, is roadworks…

Now, roadworks are annoying - we all know that! And, sometimes, we have to accept that they're also necessary… But, I am not convinced that roadworks in such high quantities are really essential!

Yeah, sure, if the road's actually falling apart - if somebody's actually died because of the state of the road - by all means, then, do something about it! But so many of the roadworks one meets, as one travels around the country, seem so trivial…

Or, indeed, inexplicable! If you're travelling North, the chances are you'll happen upon the M1, at some point in your journey… The last time I was driving North on the M1, great swathes of it were covered in roadworks, marked down to 50mph, and lines of frustrated, slow moving traffic are regulated by the modern equivalent of Cromwell's Puritan Commissioners - the Average Speed Check Cameras of Evil!

"M1 Improvements" boasts the sign… Now, I don't know about you, but I was never under the impression that the M1 needed "improving"… It always seemed fine as it was!

And, whatever these improvements are, which the powers-that-be seem to feel really need implementing, are they worth all the hassle? Because, while the work is actually being done, far from being "improved", the M1 is actually a whole lot worse!

To give you an idea of the irony of some of these situations, I was just entering another roadworks zone, around Junction 16 of the M25, when I saw a sign saying this -

"M25 Carriageway Widening - caution, narrow lanes"

So, how's that widening working out for you, eh? Made a good start?

Again, I realise that, in some cases, work simply has to be done, and drivers must just live with the disruption, until it's all over… It just seems that some works will never end, and when they eventually do, some other road is being worked on… When will the roads finally be finished? Never!

I don't actually have a proper proposal about this… If I were made Minister for Transport tomorrow (and there's a strong chance that will happen) I wouldn't have my policy on roadworks all set-out and ready to be implemented…

But what I do know is that I'd definitely try and cut down on the amount of roadworks, and the sheer size and scale of the projects, as much as possible… Only when absolutely, really necessary, and there's no other alternative, would I allow works to begin… Otherwise - forget it! They're just too much of a nuisance - and, more often than not, more trouble than they're worth…

When is it not the time to go on a diet?

2010-06-14T21:34:00.000+01:00

So, it's the middle of June, and the smell-o-vision is full of adverts encouraging people (more commonly women) to get slim "for summer"... The insinuation being that summer is the time when it really matters that you have a slim, svelte figure... (To look good in a bathing suit, I presume?)

OK, fair enough... So, now's the time to go on a diet, if you're going to? Well, yes, but, so's any other time - if you believe the adverts!

I remember, only a few months back, when people were being encouraged to get slim for Christmas... Or, "the party season" as advertising agencies seem to prefer to call it... I s'pose the jocular, merry connotations of such a phrase help shift more worthless "tat" than a more down-to-earth moniker like "season of depression and divorce" would...!

So, when's the best time to be on a diet? Summer, or Christmas? Or maybe spring? Or late autumn? Well, with Bonfire Night at the beginning of November, you're most likely to be seen in silhouette with all those lights going off - and, in such a situation, you can't rely on having a pretty face, so you'll need to be thin! (To be honest, I'm surprised I haven't actually seen an advert that takes that line yet... Maybe this November, somebody will finally capitalise on this hitherto unsullied opportunity?)

I think the answer is that companies who sell products which help you to lose weight want you to believe that every season is the best time to diet... The best (or worst?) example of this would, I believe, be Kellogg's... A company with an hilariously wide range of products designed to aid weight loss! How many different types of "Special K" bars, cereals, snacks, etc, are available to buy, these days? Lots!

And, of course, there are year-round adverts for "Special K" - always goading the viewer into trying a "two week challenge" or a "thousand steps challenge" or something equally galling...

So, why would you need to keep on doing "the challenge"? Why the need to get slim for summer, for winter, for your birthday, for washing the car, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer? Because the product doesn't work, I guess...

I could go on ranting for a long, long time about the apparent need constantly to be dieting... But I shan't! I shall just continue to hope that somebody, somewhere, has the sense to produce an advert saying "you don't need to get slim for summer - aren't you already slim from spring?!"

Facebook group hilarity

2010-06-04T18:45:00.001+01:00

I know I'm posting rather a lot today, but I couldn't let this latest observation go by without mentioning it somewhere...

I have just laughed out loud (yeah, an actual, genuine, real live "lol") at the name of a Facebook group... And the best bit was, it wasn't even one of this "funny" groups - y'know, the ones which invariably aren't funny...

The group name was clearly meant to say - I hate it when you're super excited for something and everything goes wrong - a reasonably mundane, but not inherently amusing, group...

But, thanks to multiple spelling errors, what I actually read, was this - I hate it when your supper exited for something and everything goes wrong - "yes," I thought to myself, "I actually do hate it when my evening meal walks out, because it's found some other, more attractive, way to spend the time, triggering a chain of unfortunate happenings!"

OK, perhaps not so funny when it's explained in that way - but, I guarantee, hilarious, if you happen to be glancing down your News Feed, and spot that name... Honestly!!

365 Project rejects - 4th June 2010

2010-06-04T17:53:00.002+01:00

These are photos which I like, but which I didn't pick to be today's picture showcased in my 365 Project...

I'll start, actually, with the one I did choose for the project...

Looking upstream at Breydon Bridge -

But there were also these others, which, sadly, didn't quite make it...

A closer shot of the bridge, which I also really like -

Looking downstream, instead, towards Yarmouth town -

A stump of wood, protruding from the mudflats -

And, the view underneath Breydon Bridge, peering through those enormous concrete girders -

Hope you liked those... If not - no worries! :)

Rationalising the iPad

2010-06-04T01:02:00.003+01:00

So, Apple's famous tablet computer, the iPad, is now available here in sunny Blighty, and the adverts are already all over our televisual devices... It's not a medicinal gadget, to be taken twice daily with meals (oh c'mon, did you really think I'd be able to resist the obvious pun?!) it's essentially an enormous iPhone... No, better, an enormous iPod Touch - since the iPad doesn't seem to have any telecommunicative functions...

I'm not going to review the iPad... Partly because I've never actually seen one in real life, let alone used one, but also partly because other people have already done it, far better than I could ever hope to...

What I am going to do, is try and decide whether I actually want one or not, right here, live on air... Well, live on this Blog... How exciting? No, not really, I know - but don't grumble! You suggest a better topic!

OK - here we go! So, why would I want, or not want, an iPad? I'm going to start with the "cons" - reasons not to get an iPad... I shall express this, in the form of a diagram, thus -

As you can see, I'm not really sure what the need for iPad is... It seems to overlap parts of what you can do with a laptop, and parts of what you can do with a mobile phone... What I'm wondering is - is there anything an iPad does, which can't be done with either a computer or a smartphone? (I don't actually know the answer to that, and I can't be bothered to do my research, so I shall simply presume that there isn't...)

So, what reasons are there for wanting an iPad? I clearly don't *need* one - but, every time I see the rational, logical, clear-thinking arguments of the diagram, a little voice in my head wheedles "yeah, but - it's shiny! It's cool! It's made by Apple!"

And that's the thing - on a purely emotional level, the iPad really appeals! So, it's head vs. heart - iPad vs. no iPad... And, although I claim to be a "rational and intellectual individual" (I love words that end in "al") I know, deep down, that the base desire to have the latest in status-symbol-based gadgetry, to own it, to caress it, to been seen owning and caressing it by others, will win me over every time...

All of which is merely academic - I couldn't possible afford one anyway...!

A seasonal observation

2010-05-31T18:45:00.002+01:00

As the weather gets warmer, and the days get longer, something I have noticed is that, while walking around, driving to work, shopping, eating out, generally going about your daily business as normal, you see more pretty girls in the summer...

Why is this? Well, I have two possible theories...

Firstly - pretty girls are migratory... They spend all winter in sunnier climes, in the southern hemisphere, like many of the birds native to Britain... Then, as spring inches forward, they make the long and arduous journey home to the UK, again, across miles and miles of angry seas and strange continents, to arrive back here in time for summer, to continue their lives... Before journeying south once more, just a few months later, as autumn draws to a close... One day, Sir David Attenborough will present a series of documentaries covering this very subject...

The other possibility, of course, is that they are the same girls as you see in the winter, but they appear more attractive, thanks to better lighting in the warmer, sunnier months of the year... (The "heat haze" which is so common on a warm summer's day may also help to hide any imperfections - particularly if viewed from a distance!) That a person, when viewed under the soft, flattering, natural light of summer will seem more attractive than the same person lit by the harsh, artificial lighting favoured during the dark winter months, seems, to me, not entirely improbable...

I have not yet made up my mind which of these theories is the most likely... Which do you think it is?

An open letter to the makers of all American TV shows

2010-05-27T02:22:00.001+01:00

Dear Makers of All American TV Shows,

The traditional word for a group of episodes of the same programme is "series".

"Seasons" are what happen to the weather.

Sincerely,
Kit Marsden (some bloke)

Electioneering (part two)

2010-05-13T14:03:00.000+01:00

Right... The election is over - has been for a while, now, in fact... I'm fully recovered from my thirty-six hour stint of continuous wakefulness, David Dimbleby has been allowed to rest, and Jeremy Paxman has been powered down, and put back on charge...

So, why another election blog? Well, partly because I couldn't possibly justify calling my previous election blog "part one", without following it up with at least one more part... But mainly because, frightening though the thought may be, I do actually have more to say on the matter... So, here goes!

I would like all the crotchety, embittered left-wing activists, neo-activists and crypto-activists who inhabit social media websites like Twitter, and what seems to be known as "the Blogosphere", to shut up, stop whining, and go back to work... Yeah, sure they're entitled to write whatever they like - but dear God, they're annoying!

One of the main things which I find so irritating about these people, is the refusal to accept that they lost... The internet has been awash with comments like "David Cameron is not MY Prime Minister!" Well, I'm sorry, but actually, he is! You may not like it, but it is the truth...

I have to admit to having been less than enamoured with the Labour Administration of the past thirteen years - but I didn't actually deny that they were in Government, that Tony Blair (and, later, Gordon Brown) was the Prime Minister... You have every right to be disgruntled - but denying simple, self-evident truths is surely one of the least effective, worst, and most irritating ways to deal with your disgruntlement!

The simple fact is - Labour lost the election! I'm well aware, as is everyone else, that nobody won - but Labour certainly lost! Part of living in a democracy is accepting that your party won't always win, so to all the bitter Labour supporting who are still moaning about the outcome of the election, I would like to say this - "you lost, deal with it!"

The second thing I should like to talk about is the whole Liberal Democrat business... What I shall call The Curious Incident Of The Clegg In The Night-Time... Why? I'm not sure, to be honest...

But let's look at this Curious Incident, shall we? In my opinion, surely this has to be one of the greatest opportunities for Liberal Democrat for nearly a Century... When was the last time there were Liberals in the Cabinet? 1922? Wow!

So, why the anger? Why are some Liberal Democrat supporters accusing their party leader, Nick Clegg, of being "a sell out"...? Surely, if even one Liberal Democrat policy actually gets implemented, as a result of the new Liberal/Conservative coalition, it has been worth it? One Lib Dem policy is better than none, isn't it? Apparently not, in the eyes of some activists - and when I say "activists", I mean "narrow-minded, stubborn, fools"...!

Comments like "people voted Lib Dem to keep the Tories out!" have really annoyed me... People didn't vote Lib Dem to keep the Tories out, they voted Lib Dem to get the Lib Dems in... And, remarkably, that's what they got! Against all odds, and despite winning fewer seats than they did in 2005, there are now Liberal Democrats ministers in the Cabinet... Isn't that exactly what people were hoping for, when they marked a cross in that box next to the Liberal Democrat Candidate, on the 6th of May?

So there y'go... My message today, is, things really aren't that bad... Stop being such over-dramatic, whiny lefties, and start getting used to life in opposition... All political parties spend some time in office, and the rest of the time in opposition - Labour are no different... If you're a Labour supporter - you had thirteen years of your lot in power... Now, the public decided to give that power to somebody else... Want to complain? Well, I'm sorry - that's democracy for you!

* big grin *

Electioneering (part one)

2010-04-22T00:27:00.000+01:00

OK, I'm gonna go ahead and open with a disclaimer, here...

I'm sure that many people are already blogging away on the topic of the General Election - and most of them will be more intelligent, more informed, and more eloquent than I... (Maybe some of them have even beaten me to the Radiohead joke!) These are not meant to be heavyweight political blogs - of course, I have serious points to make, and I have real opinions to put forward - but please try not to get all hot under the collar if I say something you disagree with... Proportional Representation is silly... Why? I don't have to give a reason - I'm a blogger, not a politician!

So, my first thoughts on this 2010 Election Campaign are as follows...

Oh my God, people! Stop it with the Clegg already!!

Nick Clegg is a nice guy... I know - I've met him... He's also a good public speaker, and, to the best of my knowledge, an honest politician, doing what he believes is right... This sudden Lib Dem fever, on the other hand, is totally mad...

I should say, that I'm not at all taking a pop at actual Liberal Democrat activists... I know people who've been Lib Dem supporters for years - good for them! (They're nuts, of course - but good for them!)

What I'm talking about, is this... Observe the following Facebook group -

We got Rage Against the Machine to #1, we can get the Lib Dems into office!

Fairly popular, isn't it? Over 130,000 members, right? But it's ridiculous...

Firstly, who is this "we"? I certainly didn't get Rage Against the Machine to #1 - and I shan't be getting the Lib Dems into office... Stop trying include me in your crazy populist movements!

But a far more important issue is the way this seems to put the General Election on a level with the Christmas Number One...

The scheme to get "Killing In The Name" to the Number One spot in time for Christmas was essentially so that we, the great, record-buying public, could thumb our collective noses at Simon Cowell, and all that he stands for in the pop music world... And that's all very well, if that how people want to spend their time and money...

But, by all means, screw with the music charts if you like - nothing really terrible will happen... But doing the same with a General Election, where the future of our country is at stake, is madness!

Please - consider the policies of the party you plan to vote for...

The Lib Dems say they plan to raise the Personal Tax Allowance... Like that idea? Perhaps you should vote for them! Don't like that idea? Don't vote for them!

Is it really worth burdening the nation with a party you may not actually like, for the sake of a gesture?

Tellyrant the Third

2010-04-05T18:36:00.002+01:00

Am I getting older and grumpier? Or are adverts on TV getting rubbisher and rubbisher?

To be honest, I suspect a healthy dollop of both... So I'm going to talk about a something which has been particularly proficient in the caprine attainment area recently...

Babies... Is there anything creepier? OK, babies, at any times, are slightly unsettling - but in some adverts, it's grudgingly acceptable to use babies... Adverts for nappies, particularly, have a certain claim to legitimate use of babies... But the Pizza Hut advert where the baby comes downstairs on its own and shouts at its parents? Yes, that is the stuff nightmares are made of...!

It's the same story with that Evian Mineral Water advert, with the babies who are on roller-skates, or skateboards, or something... Generally, it's babies acting like adults - or at least older kids... And that's supposed to make me buy bottled water?? How?!

Please, all companies - whatever you make, whatever you sell - take note... Talking babies do not a good advert make!!

Some adverts use older children - it's not so scary when they talk, of course, because most children can actually talk, in real life... But why do they always pick children with the most irritating voices? I remember being a reasonably articulate child - and I remember hanging out with other reasonably articulate children... So how come these companies, and advertising agencies, pick the kids with the most child-like, "I only learnt to talk half an hour ago" voices? It's actually quite painful to watch, and, indeed, to hear...

On a more positive note, there is one advert I've seen a few times recently which I think is fantastic... (Obviously, I rarely, if ever, think an advert is any good at all, so this is quite exciting!) It is the latest offering from opticians Specsavers - the one which cleverly makes you think it's going to be advert for Lynx deodorant sprays, right up until the last scene... Here it is -

Clocks

2010-03-28T00:33:00.001Z

Tonight, or so I'm told, the clocks "go forward"... We enter that magical land of "Daylight Saving Time" (y'know it used to be called "British Summer Time" - but that's not European enough) and somehow, that's good... Let's all do the Daylight Saving Dance and be happy!

Unfortunately, there's one drawback to the whole scheme... It's this business of "losing an hour" - by putting the clocks forward by an hour, we skip out a whole hour from the day... A twenty-three hour day - imagine that!

But already people are complaining about "losing an hour of sleep"... It's understandable, really, isn't it?

So, here is what I propose...

Yeah, we have to lose the hour from the day, but do we have to lose it from our sleep time? Why not take the hour out of working hours, and have the same amount of time in bed?

The day of the change, all businesses should open one hour later than they usually do, but close at the same time...

So, the clocks go forward... Normally, you have to be at work for 9am - today, you have to be at work for 10am... But you still leave your job at 5pm... The system still works - we just have one fewer hour of working, rather than one fewer hour in bed...! How good is that?!

Of course most of you will have noticed that this year, the clocks are going forward on a Sunday... Some people work on Sundays, don't they? So my idea can still benefit them... But for anyone who has weekends off, who works part-time, who is a student, still at school, unemployed, self-employed, retired, or still in the womb - just get up an hour later, and stop moaning about it!

Chips, Fries, and God-in-Potato-Form

2010-03-26T17:19:00.002Z

As somebody who eats a lot, it is my belief that there are three varieties of chips… I write, now, about the difference between each kind, and my opinions of each…

Let me first of all say that this has nothing whatever to do with crisps - the thinly sliced, flavoured potato snack, usually sold in bags, that Americans would call "chips" - as they are a different animal entirely… No, here we deal only with fried oblongs of potato, served hot - what Americans call "fries", and what normal people call "chips"…

My theory, therefore, goes as follows…

There are three types of chips - category one, category two, and category three… (Imaginative names, eh? Maybe, some day, I'll come with some better names for the categories… I know - how about a star-rating system? Like Michelin stars for restaurants? Yes, that'll work…!)

I believe the three categories can be defined in terms of a condiment - for example, ketchup - and its relationship to the chips…

So, One Star Chips, then… These are chips which are almost unenjoyable without some kind of dressing… A good example of One Star Chips would be any "French Fries" served at fast food outlets, kebab shops, burger stalls, greasy-spoons, truck-stop cafes, etc - typically thin, soggy, flavourless and uninspiring… I find that it is actually quite difficult to eat chips from a kebab shop without some sort of sauce or dressing - tomato ketchup, barbeque sauce, or even the ubiquitous "burger sauce" - to add interest to dish… These, then, are One Star Chips…

Two Star Chips, though, are pretty "take it or leave it" when it comes to the ketchup… These chips are the "average" chips of the snack world - not that there's anything wrong with that… (They are infinitely nicer to eat than One Star Chips!) Examples would be chips from a traditional British fish'n'chip shop, or the type served in pubs as a snack… They're usually chunky, filling, and full of potatoness, and the fact that they are equally enjoyable with, or without, a sauce is what characterises them as Two Star Chips…

And now, we come to the aristocracy of the world of potato-based foods… Three Star Chips - the greatest chips available to buy on this Earth! Three Star Chips are, essentially, a gourmet version of Two Star Chips - they're typically available in a good restaurant, or particularly high-quality pub, and it's clear that these chips definitely have a master chef's touch... But the thing that sets Three Star Chips apart is that they are so awesome, to add a sauce or, indeed, any condiments at all besides very light seasoning with high-quality sea-salt (particularly something as common, or vulgar as ketchup, or "burger sauce") would actually be to spoil the chips... That's right, they are that good! From my experience, the Lord Poulett Arms in Hinton-St-George, Somerset, serve excellent Three Star Chips - highly recommended!

So, there you have it... Three categories of chips - defined by the relationship of the chips to popular condiments... Brilliant, isn't it?

When I am the Minister for Transport (part one)

2010-02-27T19:50:00.002Z

Many town or city centres, these days, are open only to buses, and bicycles... Now, as everyone knows, buses and bicycles are the two most irritating vehicles on the roads in this country...

So, when I am Minister for Transport, buses and bicycles will be banned from built-up areas - for the sanity of all...

"Park & Ride" schemes will be turned upside-down - a bus will take you from your house, to a carpark on the outskirts of the city, and then you will get into a car, and drive into the city centre to do your shopping, or go to the bank, or whatever...

Brilliant, eh?

The long-overdue Facebook rant

2010-02-08T21:33:00.010Z

Facebook - it's fun, it's cool, everyone has it, you keep in touch, you communicate, you share photos, videos, thoughts, comments, experiences... Only one problem - it's RUBBISH!!

The rubbish-ness of Facebook is manifold... I like to think of it as a shrivelled hand, where each bent, bony finger represents a reason why Facebook is rubbish...

The thumb, underneath which we all squirm in discomfort, is the broken codes of Facebook's interface... Photos refusing to load, a "live feed" which still shows posts from last weekend, comments which say they can't be posted, but actually get posted twice, or three times, while you struggle to know what's going on... It is a bug-ridden mire, a swamp of incompetence, pervaded by that pestilential "oops, something went wrong!" error box... They have tried to be too clever by half, and they have fallen short...

Half the time, my home-page looks like this:

The index finger, pointing right at you, with mock-sincerity, is the layout of Facebook's interface... If the code behind Facebook is bad, the way it is laid out on the screen is diabolically poor! Even when my "feed" is working, I see is a string of people joining useless groups, or "becoming a fan" of everything in sight... Am I interested? Nope! As an effective socially networking tool, Facebook is in danger of dieing completely - groups, fan pages, and applications have their eczema-inflamed fingers around Facebook's flabby throat, slowly choking the life out of any sane person's interest in the website...

And that leads me on to the middle finger, a rude and defiant gesture - a poisoner which Facebook itself invited to tea... Applications! Fishville, Farmville, Farm Town, Send a Smile, What Kind of a Friend are You?, How Old a Soul are You?, Fan Check, Who Were You in a Past Life?, My Top Followers - you know the ones... How annoying... Clogging up the "News Feed" like brambles over-running a once-nice suburban garden, people discovering their Top Ten Valentine's Day Crushes, at the click of a button... Do I care? Still no!

The fourth finger, weak and impotent, mostly irrelevant, is the Facebook Chat application... I have used it once - it was an experience akin to bathing in cold, three-day-old herbal tea on the roof of The Treasury, while, oblivious to your presence, Alistair Darling and George Osborne wrestle fiercely, each clad only in a mankini...

And now, the fifth and final finger, of Facebook's dysfunctional hand... The users themselves... "Gosh, how could you say such a thing?! If anyone's a victim in this whole charade, it's Facebook's users!" Well yes - but some seem intent on make cyber-rods for their own ebacks... I referred earlier to the pointlessness of a "News Feed" choked up with posts about irrelevant, un-funny, nonsensical groups and fan pages... Who creates these? Who joins the groups? Who "becomes a fan" with alarming yet inescapable monotony? The users, of course...!

I have done some research, to show just how ridiculous the whole group/page situation has become... I, personally, am getting fed up with many of the old, hackneyed "jokes" which float around Facebooks fan pages... For example, the whole "can *mundane object* get more fans than *unpopular celebrity* ?" thing is getting a little worn-out now... In total, there are "about four thousand, two hundred" of these pages - some of the most popular include -

Can this Onion Ring get more fans than Justin Bieber?
can this sausage roll get more fans than cheryl cole?
Can this purple monster i made on paint get more fans than the president?
Can this Sexy Potato get more fans than Miley Cyrus?
Can this Banana Get more fans Than Miley Cyrus
Can this Hedgehog get more fans than JLS?
Can this egg get more fans than Katie Price?

These are all real examples, all of which have over fifty thousand fans on their pages... And there are at least another four thousand, one hundred of them too! You see my point?

Another quick search shows the following shocking figures..

There are 406 fan pages, and 231 groups, whose names begin with "Hi, I'm a boy" - and there are 575 fan pages and 350 groups whose names begin "Hi, I'm a girl"... The "Hi, I'm a boy" groups are typically made by girls, and they try to make out how awful boys are - similarly, the "Hi, I'm a girl" groups are made by boys trying to get back at girls who've made "Hi, I'm a boy" groups... Unless they're from the small backlash of groups about boys made by boys - or groups about girls made by girls - which try to make out that each gender is not as bad as the other seems to think... It's essentially a sexism war, on Facebook - and it's all rather silly... Here are some examples -

Hi, I'm a boy and I ignore decent girls and choose sluts instead.
"Hi, I'm a boy, I lie about my feelings all the time and ruin your life :)"
Hi I'm a Boy, Your Not The Only Girl In My Life, I Have Ten :) ♥
Hi! I'm a boy - I'm a prick.
Hi, I'm a boy, and actually, I'm a decent bloke.

hi i'm a girl, I argue, moan, think im always right & never shut up
Hi, I'm a girl, I sterotype all men because I cant get into a relationship.
hi, i'm a girl, i unfairly generalise the opposite sex
Hi, i'm a girl. NAGNAGNAGNAGNAG
Hiya, I'm a girl, and when I say I like you, I actually mean it.

As you can see, if you've clicked on any of those links, these groups are just full of petty arguments, tired sexist retorts and piss-poor spelling...

Also on the topic of a badly-punctuated "battle of the sexes" revolving around Facebook Groups (well, kind-of) there are 546 fan pages about having period pains... I may be straying into dangerous territory myself here, but hey, I know it can be painful, but is it 546-pages-painful?!

Then, there are all the "I hate it when"s - around forty-six thousand of them! These can be split into two categories...

Number one - Real I Hate It Whens... For exampl -
i hate it when i forget something i really wanted to say
I Hate It When I Can't Fall Asleep Because I'm Thinking
I hate it when people unexpectedly go offline...

And number two - Stupid I Hate It Whens - which are supposed to be "funny" but really, really aren't, and are terribly over-done... For example -

I hate it when you walk outside and someone randomly throws a fridge at you
I hate it when you open your trunk & a naked asian beats you with a crowbar
I Hate It When You Walk Outside, Realise Your A Fish, And Die.
Dont you just hate it when a walrus attacks your nan.
Dont u hate it when your with Jason Derulo & he keeps asking what you said?

There are 231 pages, and 67 groups, devoted to people who laughed when they saw a certain image - usually something to do with popular culture... Here are some more cringe-worthy examples -

I LOL'D when i saw this picture of Robert Pattinson
I lold when i saw this pic of justin bieber !
I LOL'D WHEN I SAW THIS
I lol'd so much when i saw what simon cowel would look like bald. :')
I lol'd when I saw your new girlfriend because you said she was hot.

Pathetic, eh?

And finally, there are a disturbing 1800 pages, and a whopping 6200 groups, claiming to give your Facebook account a "Dislike Button" if you join, and invite all your friends... Of course, none of them work - it is obvious, by now, to anyone with half a brain, that despite the initial clamouring, Facebook has no plans to instigate a "Dislike Button"...

In my opinion, the concept of Facebook still holds true, but it is as a good soul trapped inside a rotten and disfigured body... It is like a fat man with a heart of gold... It needs to go on a detox, and get back into shape...

[all figures correct at time of publishing]

Here's a thing...

2010-01-29T00:27:00.001Z

This is a question for all the *couples* out there... I'm wondering - why is it necessary to hold your partner's hand, or have your arms around each other, when doing the most mundane and uninteresting things? Like, picking which sandwich to buy at a petrol station... Do these things really cause anxiety? Do they require mutual support, and the care of those who love you? Or is it just that you can't seem to do the simplest day-to-day task without clinging to your boyspouse/girlspouse for support and reassurance?

Am I being bitter, harsh, cynical, and generally an all-round bastard? Yes... But I'm tired, annoyed, and I don't care... So there!!

Scrobble me, baby!

2010-01-13T12:50:00.005Z

I have recently started using "Last.fm" - the music-based social networking site, or something like that... (I am at http://www.last.fm/user/manek43509 if you're interested...) Now, every piece of music that I listen to, either on my iPod, or on Spotify (the brilliant music-streaming service from those fabulous Scandinavian types) shows up on my Last.fm profile, for everyone to see - if they're so inclined...

This is known is "Scrobbling" - a word which ranks perhaps even above "Dongle" in a list of "Hilariously Stupid Technical Terms of the Internet Age"...

There are, of course, plenty of exciting advantages to this, which have no doubt been "blogged" (ooh, there's another for that list!) about already, far better, in all probability, than I could do... However, I'm beginning to find it slightly dangerous, also... "How?!" you ask, a look of incredulity etched upon your finely chiselled features... Well, I shall tell you - so sit up straight, and don't fidget!

It's quite simple, really - I'm at risk of becoming a total music poser... I have always had a philosophy that the only thing which should govern what songs you listen to should be whether you like them or not - if you like a band, listen to their music, if you don't like them, don't listen to them... Seems fairly straightforward, right?

I actually quite like "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley - so I do, from time-to-time, put it on, on my iPod... But now that I know everyone can see my Scrobbles - what songs I've been listening to, who my favourite artists are, etc - I've been more careful about choosing songs that will show me in a good light, in the eyes of others...

I will listen to an experimental jazz trio, for example, just so people will see the name on my Last.fm profile, and draw the conclusion that I'm an open-minded, intellectual free-thinker... (This, of course, only works with people who've never met me!)

I DO actually like experimental jazz - as much as I like big Rick A - but the point is that I'm picking this music for the wrong reasons... I'm putting what other people think of me, based on what bands I like, or seem to like, above my own, admittedly broad, music tastes... And this will never do!

And this is the social networking effect, from top-to-bottom... I make no bones about the fact that I'm a real social networking whore - with accounts on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Last.fm, 365project, and even Bebo, I'm all over that stuff like a bear on a bicycle...

And with every aspect of your life laid bare, for all to see, on the world wide web, you're naturally going to be thinking about trying to present a good image to all these people whom you assuming are scrutinising your every move, from behind their computers, at their desks in Toronto, or wherever... But you must not compromise yourself, for their sake! And neither must I...

The Cinema

2010-01-09T00:59:00.001Z

I haven't seen Avatar... I probably shan't bother to, either...

This isn't because I don't think it'd be any good - on the contrary, I expect it would be amazing - but I simply can't be bothered... What a horrid, lazy, apathetic, bone-idle, layabout-ish attitude!

And yet, it's always the same, with films - "movies" as they are often known... I rarely go to the cinema to see a film - in 2009, I think I went once to the Odeon in Norwich, to see "Slumdog Millionaire" with my sister... It was good, I enjoyed it - thanks for asking...

Truth be told, I'm not sure of the reason for this indifference to the cinema experience... The closest I can come is "I've never liked popcorn" - hardly a worthy justification, is it?

Anyone who knows me will know that I think very little of doing things "on principle" only - it's a incredibly silly habit that too many people get into... So I do not eschew the movies out of principle - purely, as I have said, out of laziness! I know that I'm missing out on seeing a lot of great films, and I'm not that fussed...

Well, wasn't that interesting?

Dr Who

2010-01-01T21:30:00.002Z

I have just watched David Tennant's final outing as "The Doctor"... Apart from the fantastical storyline, it was really quite OK!

I actually quite like David Tennant as an actor... I know he has many, many fans... I would like it, however, if these fans could give the new chap - Matt Smith - a chance... We saw him, briefly - it was about a minute-and-a-half at the end, where he rabbits on about not being ginger... Not, in my opinion, enough to judge him on, really... Already, people are saying that they don't like him? Why? Because he's not David Tennant! Personally, I think it's a shame that David is gone - but I am rational enough to reserve a judgement on the new actor until I've actually seen him acting! I hope everyone else can do the same...

Lyrical Issue

2009-12-05T02:07:00.001Z

I'm trying to write some lyrics, and I've hit upon a problem...

I wrote a line which included "different to" - of course, this is incorrect... Anyone but a moron knows it ought to be "different from"...! I despise this mistake - along with the other obvious issues of less/fewer, if I was/were, etc - and was horrified to see that I'd written it myself...

However, there is a reason for this... The song I'm trying to write isn't particularly slow, so with "different from" you end up getting two "fr" sounds in quick succession... It's harder to sing, and it sounds more clumsy, than "different to" which seems to scan much better as a lyric... Natural, as a lyricist, I want to write verses that flow, sound pleasing and are nice to sing... But, I couldn't bear to think I'd written a grammatical error into one of my songs, and allowed it to stay there, like an un-Bazooka-ed verruca...!

So now, there is a battle, between my inner artist, and my inner grammar pedant... They're not just having a fight - they're actually jousting! In my head! Horses, lances, suits of armour - the lot...!! And it's giving me a headache... Maybe I should give the songwriting a break, and try and get some sleep?!

Cash Machines

2009-11-27T17:44:00.001Z

Here's something which came up the other day... When you take cash out of a bank account using an ATM, it asks you whether you want an "advice slip" with your cash... Now, I've never said yes to this, so I wonder what advice it gives you - is it advising you on how to spend the money you've just taken out?

"Hmm, those trainers look a bit worn, so I'd start of by getting some new shoes, and then, ohh, it's nearly six o'clock, you must be getting hungry - there's a nice Thai restaurant not too far from here which is excellent value-for-money..."

Rail Travel

2009-11-17T16:17:00.002Z

Something I've not done for quite a while now, is travel any great distance by rail… Since passing my driving test, I have relied on the comfort, convenience and familiarity of my own car - perhaps too much, but certainly no more than many other people I know…

On the face of it, this seems mad… Rail travel over any distance is likely to be less expensive than running a car, for a start, and you can hand the responsibility for the route, the handing of the vehicle, indeed, everything, over to the rail service operator… It sounds relaxing - the idea that you can sit back while somebody else drives you to wherever you want to go… Without the need to concentrate on driving the thing yourself, you can sit back and read a book or magazine, write a song, listen to music, or just to sleep… I'm surprised that there are any cars left on the roads at all!

However, when one actually experiences a long-distance rail journey, it is not difficult to see why I, and many others, prefer traveling by road…! To begin with, the relaxed, carefree picture of rail travel painted in the previous paragraphs only holds true if everything runs smoothly… It only takes one small thing to go wrong, and the picture is hanging skew-wiff, the colours are running, and the artist himself is found dead in an alleyway with stab-wounds in his side and his money and passport stolen…

And there are many things that can delay or disrupt a rail journey - from a swan on the line, to the engine breaking down…!

But the worst bit of it all, is that you, as a mere passenger, are powerless to do anything about it! As you sit frustrated in Coach D, Seat 30(A) listening to crackling announcements in what sounds like a foreign tongue over the speakers - "we apologise for this inconvenience" - you get later and later for whatever it is you're traveling for, and you realise that, had you been traveling in your own car, you could at least have tried to do something to help yourself…

Delays on the road are irritating, of course, but at least each driver is the master of his own destiny, the captain of his fate… On the train, we are in the hands of others, and it never feels so bad as when you're waiting for news, and no news arrives, and nobody on the staff seems to know what's going on, and the unexplained delay drags on for hours, with no respite, no chance to get off and stretch your legs, and only the questionable fare of the "buffet car" to sustain yourself…

Furthermore, another large problem with traveling by rail is the vehicles themselves… Hot, cramped, and poorly equipped, the trains of today are a far cry from the glamourous mode of transport those living in the golden age of steam came to know and love… Perhaps it is my fault, for picking a career that doesn't (yet) seem to pay well enough for me to afford a First Class ticket, but I firmly believe that even Standard Class could be greatly improved from the unnerving experience it currently is…

Passengers - sorry, "customers" - are packed into the railway carriages as tightly as possible, and the result is a distinct lack of comfort, privacy, and individual discretion… Everyone in the carriage can hear your telephone conversations, see what book you're reading, hear the spill from your iPod headphones, read what you're writing over your shoulder - you have no choice but to share these details of your life with whoever happens to be in the same train as you, for the duration of the journey…

And the rail companies don't exactly make life easy for you either...!

You are asked not to leave any luggage unattended "at any time", but nobody is on hand to explain how those traveling alone can visit the toilet, or buy a coffee, without dragging heavy suitcases and handbags everywhere with them…!

You are instructed to "familiarise yourself with the safety notices displayed around the train" which, on inspection, are rude and unhelpful… (Much like some of the station staff one encounters on these journeys!)

"Please do not put feet on the seats" requests a sign displayed next to every group of four seats around a table - I am always tempted to write "I wouldn't need to, if you provided ample leg-room!" underneath it… (The tables themselves are small, and if more than one of the four passengers grouped around them wishes to read a newspaper, or work on a laptop computer, it presents a taxing logistical problem…)

A man in the corner, in a tie-dye shirt and leather skull-cap, picks his nose as he describes, in detail, his recently sexual exploits to whichever luckless individual is on the other end of the 'phone line… Normally, I would run a mile from him - on the train, I can go about two inches in any direction, before colliding with something, or someone… I can only sit in my seat, squirming with discomfort, turning up the volume on my iPod and hoping against hope that he dies within the next five minutes - or at least gets off at the next stop… Disappointingly, he clings onto life, and not only stays on the train, but stays on the 'phone, for the next hour and a half…!

So, surrounded, at close proximity, by strangers, many of whom are very strange indeed, too hot with a jacket on, but too draughty without it, hemmed in, not just by people, but by absurd safety regulation, and with barely enough room for oneself, let alone one's things, the attractions of traveling in one's own car dangle temptingly before one's eyes…

The ability to make stops whenever, and wherever, you choose… The ability to put in an extra piece of luggage, which you may or may not need, just in case… The freedom to choose the temperature, the speed, the route, the radio station, the refreshments, and so on… And not have a hundred other fraught travellers virtually sitting on your lap as you do it!

Rain

2009-11-14T19:21:00.001Z

It's raining today... It was raining yesterday... I will, most likely, be raining tomorrow... So here's a (possibly) interesting thought about rain...

For a while, I've wondered whether or not rain feels softer when you're higher up... After all, if you drop a penny from 6 feet above the ground, it doesn't do any damage (except maybe to your self-esteem when you realise you've been reduced to dropping pennies from different heights) but if you drop a penny from the top of the Empire State Building it can actually bury itself in a person's skull, or so I'm reliably informed... This is, I think, because from a greater height the penny has more opportunity to increase its velocity...

So, when rain falls from the clouds, if you're on the top of the Empire State Building (which somehow gets itself dragged into all kinds of conversations along similar lines as this) it's fallen a far shorter distance to reach you than when you get rained on at ground level... Does this mean that it feels softer?

I don't know, and I'm unlikely to find out right now, so I thought I'd ask you, my bored and undernourished readers who may or may not exist, to email me at mail@manek.org.uk with an answer, if you know the answer, that is... If not, feel free to email me anyway!

Regular Meals

2009-11-11T14:10:00.001Z

For some time now, I've had a theory about the way people eat... The standard way to organise one's daily food intake is in three meals a day - breakfast in the morning, lunch at midday, and then an evening meal... But this leaves a gap - all through the night, your body is getting none of its essential nutrients!

It seems that "normal" people will eat three meals over a (roughly) twelve-hour period, and then eat nothing for the next twelve hours... Now, to me, this looks a bit unbalanced!

There are twenty-four hours in a day, of course - so, if one is going to eat three meals each day, they ought really to be spread even across those twenty-four hours, to ensure regular sustenance... That would result in one meal every eight hours... If one plans to eat every six hours, one should eat four meals in a day... And if one eats meals every four hours, those meals should number no fewer than six! This, of course, maintains the regularity of nutritional intake...

Naturally, the portion sizes are tailored to suit how often one is eating - whether it be two large meals each day, one every twelve hours, or twelve smaller snack-like meals each day, spread two hours apart... But the most important thing is that it be even and regular...

I am the architect of a healthier, happier society... No need to thank me!

It's November

2009-11-09T23:34:00.001Z

And it's suddenly all cold, which means a chance to drag out the scarves and coats which have been so neglected over the summer... Soon, it will be Christmas, no doubt...

But... IT ISN'T CHRISTMAS YET!!

The "Christmas Creep" (the process of Christmas "starting" just a few days earlier every year) has so annoyed me that this year, my goat is well and truly got! I have taken to boycotting any products which associated themselves with Christmas until at least the beginning of December... Only a few days ago I didn't buy a drink which I normally would've bought, because there was an image of Santa on the can... Yes, that is how bad it's got!

Usually, I don't "do" protesting, boycotting, or generally freaking-out about anything... But this Christmas thing is getting ridiculous, and I have been moved to act... Sure, it won't make any difference - there are enough Christmas gluttons, who need to have their fill, and would start hanging tinsel in July if they thought they could get away with it, to outweigh the few who, like me, feels it's all going a little bit too far... But in my own little world, I feel better for having made my useless (and largely unnoticed) gesture, and be damned to the grinning maniacs who spread their Christmas Cheer earlier and earlier by the year!

France

2009-10-31T16:58:00.001Z

I haven't "blogged" much over the past week... Well, not at all, in fact... I've been in France, with Witchers, and internet has been something of a luxury... Plus, we've been busy playing gigs, moving tons of equipment around endlessly, or sleeping - in other words, I haven't had enough time to think of the right kind of drivel for a blog like that!

It was a great week away, though... And, I should like to take this opportunity to thank the French public - if any of you are reading this - for such a wonderful response, and for making us feel really welcome everywhere we played...!

I'm now back in the UK, although not back in Norfolk yet... (So it still feels kinda foreign!) Tomorrow, I have a gig in Sheffield, and then on Monday I'm back in Norwich - teaching in the evening, as usual... It's busy, at the moment, but that's not really a bad thing, is it?

Anyway, this has been very factual... Normal silliness will resume in due course...!

Today, & the surrounding area

2009-10-23T17:27:00.000+01:00

Well, today has been good... I sorted out my car insurance, so that we we get off the ferry on Calais on Monday, we can actually drive to our Paris destinations legally... I installed the new Sibelius 6 on my new Apple MacBook, and gloated in the smug newness of it all... And then I had an excellent Cardiem rehearsal, and wrote new material, ready for the live shows... (Incidentally, the studio tracks from the new EP are now available to hear on the Cardiem MySpace - if you'd like to have a listen, and then give us your feedback, we'd be very grateful!)

On the down-side, I haven't had much to eat today - two croissants and two Crunchie bars, to be precise - and my hair looks dreadful... Plus, I still can't find a valid alternative to Dreamweaver for web design - I'm still using open-source web software called NVu, and I don't like using it at all... Apple's iLife suite came bundled with the new MacBook, so I thought I'd try using iWeb, but that's even worse - a truly diabolical program, if ever there was one! I really want to go back to Dreamweaver, but I certainly can't afford to spend that much on the Adobe Creative Suite! How irritating... For now, I shall have to make do with NVu, but if anyone reads this, and knows of a better (preferably free!) alternative to Dreamweaver, please, please, do let me know!

That's enough, for now... There's stuff I should be doing - packing for Paris, tuning drums for Paris, ironing clothes for Paris... Why can't Paris do her own chores?! Still, I'd better go off and by useful now, so I shall bid you farewelll...! :)

Great Idea 1

2009-10-19T21:30:00.001+01:00

There should be a tax on sex... We could call it SID - Sexual Intercourse Duty...

Just as income tax is paid by those who earn a lot of money in order that the state might provide essential services to those who can't afford to buy them privately, people who get a lot of sex should pay more SID so that the state can provide free prostitutes for ugly folk...

Good, eh?

Ed Baines

2009-10-16T00:09:00.001+01:00

Ed Baines, get off the TV, until you've learned to talk properly... Your Philadelphia advert should be suspended until you've been taught the correct pronunciation of "tagliatelle"...! I'm surprised you don't enunciate each "p" in "Philadelphia" too!!

Recent News/Thoughts

2009-10-13T10:17:00.001+01:00

Well, I've been at The Mill Recording Studio in Diss over the weekend, recording the first EP with Cardiem... We had a great time, of course, and got a lot done as well - five and a half (last track still has no vocals) tracks recorded over two days, and the unmixed/unmastered CD that I've been listening to is sounding good... We'll be back at The Mill on Friday this week, for mixing and mastering, and then the songs will be up on the Cardiem MySpace... I'm really looking forward to getting this material on the road!

Before that, though, the Witchers tour is coming up soon... I've been checking things, going over gear, getting a decent stock of spare heads, sticks and snare wires in, and generally making sure everything's ready... I've also got to get my car ready to transport three people, their stuff, a drumkit, two or three guitars, and an effects board the size of the moon! Still, really looking forward to it all...

As I sit here and type this oh-so-exciting journal of my life, I've got "Today's 4Music Top Ten" on the TV... I find myself wondering - this world depicted in modern pop music videos, does it actually exist, or is it only real in the minds of some drugs-fuelled production team in middle America? It it does exist, somewhere, then it's very well hidden!

++PLUS++

And, this just in, courtesy of the same "4Music" programme - JLS have more than one song! It seems strange to hear their digitally polished voices singing a different set of lyrics...

A Twitter Thought

2009-10-07T23:59:00.001+01:00

You know when you've "made it" on Twitter - when you've become an online big guy, when you've hit the cyber big time, etc...

All the celebrities on Twitter are the people who have more people following them than they themselves follow...

"People who follow Parasite Luncheon - 12,884 / People Parasite Luncheon is following - 63"

Parasite Luncheon is my fictitious heavy metal band, and yep, they're definitely huge stars... They have a pretty impressive Follower-to-Followee Ratio!

On the other hand...
"People who follow Dan von Schtickfellau - 18 / People Dan von Schtickfellau is following - 278"

Sorry, but I'm afraid Dan is a nobody! His Follower-to-Followee Ratio sucks, and he probably has very little of interest to say...

Shameless plug -
Fancy helping my Ratio? Follow me at twitter.com/manek43509

See y'around!

Tellyrant Two

2009-10-06T21:36:00.001+01:00

Something that's very irritating about commercial television is the type of advert which tries to make out that the product it's advertising is more exciting than it actually is...

You know the type... But because I'm supposed to fill up this space with my "thoughts" I'll give some examples anyway...!

Sensodyne Iso-Active, with that annoying woman talking, going on and on and on and on and on... Her over-enthusiasm is so obviously fake, and the kind of things she says make me want to try the product even less! "I'm excited about trying new things" - yeah, so are lots of people, but I doubt they mean toothpastes when they say that! Like anyone's going to leave the theatre early saying "I'm sorry, but I really want to get home - I'm so psyched about trying this exciting new toothpaste!" or anything like that...?! And then she says "it's like, where is the product going wrong? Nowhere!" Well, they certainly went wrong when they commissioned that advert...!

OK, another example... Perhaps it's the obvious one, but the whole Kellogg's Crunchy Nut series of ads aren't even bordering on the ridiculous - they've sped right through the ridiculous and across the border on the other side without even stopping for Customs, and are now in some Land of Truly Unbelievable Stupidity... According to the advert, it's "Ludicrously Tasty" - such shoddy work, whoever came up with that must've been ludicrously hasty! [groan] In a hurry to rush home from work, perhaps, to have a lovely supper of cereal and milk...? Only to get up in the middle of the night to snack on more cereal and milk, this time straight out of the garishly branded box? Yeah right! Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is that crazy about a BREAKFAST FREAKIN' CEREAL! Another product I avoid...

I think that's enough ranting for now... Tellyrants will continue, of course, as there are many more forms of irritating adverts out there, just waiting to be slandered on a small-time blogular in the middle of Cybershire... Fab-yew-lous!

Sorry!

2009-10-06T00:55:00.001+01:00

Ah, hello again... Been rather slack with this the past few days, so sorry about that... "Normal" service will resume...

Played a fantastic gig with Witchers tonight, at Norwich Arts Centre, supporting a band from Liverpool called Sound of Guns... They were great, and the whole evening was rather enjoyable...

Next, looking forward recording with Cardiem, this weekend and next weekend, and then the France tour with Witchers at the end of October... Should be good!

Anyway, that's all rather factual - it's nice to know, I suppose, but doesn't stir the soul... So, here's a quick opinion piece...

The price of cheese is too high! Cheese a staple (not to mention a paperclip) of our diet, and it's, frankly, disgusting that shops charge such a high premium for what is, essentially, solidified milk... There are too many people these days who are being forced to cut cheese out of their diets, because of the cost, and it's not exactly doing wonders for their complexion... And there are still more people who have had to downgrade their usual cheese intake to that nasty American plastic cheese that comes read-sliced and shrink-wrapped - these people have also got bad complexions, and also greasy, slightly yellow hair with a "fake" feel to it... Please, supermarkets, save these people from their dull, cheeseless existence! LOWER THE PRICE OF CHEESE!!

A short tellyrant...

2009-09-29T20:29:00.001+01:00

"We've got bikinis, we've got tunes - oh yes, this is definitely what being single is all about!" says the guy in the trailer for "Hollyoaks, Later" on E4...

I hate that guy... I've never seen the programme, and I don't know anything him, but I know that I hate him!

So here's the pretentious twonk bit... He gives a totally false impression of modern youth culture, in my opinion... Not just him, of course - but many of the "young people" TV shows which are on at the moment seem to want to say that life is just an endless round of parties, dates, sex, drinking and shopping... Is it really? Well, to go back to the "Hollyoaks, Later" guy, I've never that that's "definitely what being single is all about!" It's normally more about lonely days and nights, anger and self-doubt, questions, but no answers... Does that sound like I'm wallowing in self-pity, sounding all depressed, or fishing for sympathy? (Don't actually answer that!) I dunno - I'm just a bit annoyed that media like this portrays this easy-peasy lifestyle, which, more often that not, is far, far from the truth...

Enough, for now, I think... :)

Regular blogging?

2009-09-28T10:29:00.000+01:00

I think the idea is that I post here every day, or just about... Of course, something worth blogging about doesn't happen every day, but most of the time I can normally find something mundane to woffle on about...

Yesterday, I had planned to go to the National Drum Fair in Birmingham, but decided not to at the last minute, because I didn't feel like traveling all that way, or spending loads of money... So I spent the day giving my website a facelift... You've probably seen the results of that already - if not, have a look here and let me know what you think! It's not hugely different - just a slightly cleaner look, in my opinion - but those few small changes took hours to implement! Yes, literally hours...

So, apart from that, I played the piano for a while, and watched the Singapore Grand Prix, and that was Sunday...

Today? Well, who knows what's going to happen, eh?! It's only just gone half-past ten, we've hours of time ahead of us... I know that, at some point, I'll be teaching drumkit in the evening... Other than that, probably more practice, looking after the dog, watching TV, having lunch, and other reasonably normal but unexciting things like that!

Hopefully tomorrow, or the next day, I'll be able to write about something more worth reading about... (If that made any sense?!)

See ya later! ;)

Apple Store, Norwich

2009-09-26T19:43:00.000+01:00

I was up early today for all the full frontal geekery of queuing for an hour to get into the new Apple Store in Chapelfield, Norwich, and claim my free t-shirt as one of the first thousand people through the doors at the "Grand Opening"...

The whole affair was an orgy of corporate-based partying... Before the opening itself, all the Apple Store employees ran down the enormous queue "high-fiving" the anxiously waiting Apple fans, and as the huge glass doors slid open, there was clapping, cheering, screaming, chants of "Apple! Apple! Apple!" and - the reason we were all there - the giving out of free t-shirts! (All "large" size, unfortunately...)

Inside the shop itself, there were untold expensive wonders... I was tempted by a nice new leather case for my iPod Classic - until I saw the price was £75! Anyone hoping for a plethora of Opening Day Discounts (as I had been) would've been disappointed... But, anyone hoping for a great range of Apple products and accessories on display, available to try, with friendly, helpful staff on hand to offer explanations or answer questions (as I had also been) would've got their wish...

Apple had really tried hard to create a "carnival" atmosphere for the whole thing - the music, the whooping, the high-fives, the smiles, the cheers - and in general it felt slightly mad, very nerdy, and great fun!

First post...

2009-09-25T11:32:00.000+01:00

Well, how many blogs start off like this? Quite a few, I should imagine...
Something along the lines of - "hi, I'm Kit, this is my blog; it gives you my narrow and distorted viewpoint on a seemingly unfeeling world, plus all you need to know about my pizza topping preferences and favourite minor celebrities, hope you enjoy it!"

Well, that's all well and good, but how's this for a change?
Something like - "hi, I'm Kit, this is my manifesto for world leader; it tells you all about how I plan to improve your life with handy time-saving initiatives like just-don't-bother and do-it-later and how the trees and plants may look pretty, but they're actually all part of an evil conspiracy planning to end human dominance of Planet Earth for good by the year 2020!"

(All nonsense, of course... But if you stick with this blog, that's what you can come to expect!)

So, I should probably tell you a bit about myself... If you've navigated here from my website (www.manek.org.uk) as is likely, you probably know as much as anybody needs or wants to about me... But just in case you happened to miss it, or have ended up here by accident, I'm a professional musician - principally a drummer and percussionist, although I also play the piano - and I live in near Norwich, in Norfolk... I like red onions, and cheesecakes (although never at the same time!) and I drink far too much coffee... I shout at the TV screen when the adverts come on, because they're all so, so very annoying, and I use too many commas when I write, apparently!

Anyhow, I'm rambling now (a dreadful, yet unshakable, habit) so I'll let you go about your daily business, which, I dare say, is far more important than mine... Check back here every so often, to find out what I'm thinking, have a laugh, pass the time, or annoy your friends, family or colleagues with some of the most dull "reading aloud" material possible! See y'around...! ;)