Pre-nonsense

What is this phrase "pre-order", which has become so common just recently?

The phrase is being used when encouraging consumers to place an order for a product which hasn't yet been released, so as to guarantee their copy when the product does come out.  Here is an example from EA Sports, advertising their next football game, Fifa 13:

The trouble is, it's utter rubbish - the phrase doesn't actually mean anything!

The prefix "pre-" refers to something being done in advance (for example, "premediated", "predetermined" or "preconceived") but one can only ever order a product in advance of receiving it, making the "pre-" completely superfluous.

We see the same thing with nonsensical expressions like "pre-planned".  According to YourDictionary.com:

"Pre-planned means you gave an event or project thought ahead of time."

That's exactly what the word "planned" means.

How is "pre-planning" something any different from just planning it?  How is "pre-ordering" Fifa 13 any different from simply ordering it?  It isn't; there's no difference.  The "pre-" is unnecessary.  STOP ADDING IT IN WHERE IT'S NOT NEEDED.

Check your jokes

It is my belief that a joke can only be funny if it is also factually accurate...

Allow me to share a joke which I feel illustrates this point rather well -

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi!

(This joke was particularly popular, I remember, when I was at high school...  Something about it bothered me, even then - now, I can explain what, exactly, that is...)

So, initially, this seems like a nice idea...  Y'know, fungi - mushrooms, etc - and fun guy - a pleasant, sociable chap who'd probably enjoy a good party...  Could be good, right?

But there's a problem with this, isn't there?  The problem being that "fungi" is a plural, while "a fun guy" is a singular person...

In order to make the joke work, you'd have to say -

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungus!

Now, that would simply draw blank looks and bemused hand gestures, because it simply isn't funny...  "A fun gus"...?  That would only work if the name of this fun guy were Augustus - or Gus, for short!  And for that to be apparent, you'd have to point it out beforehand, which would rather ruin the joke...

On the other hand, you could say this -

Why did the mushrooms go to the party?
Because they were fungi!

Again, that's not funny!  "Because they were fun guy"...?  What tosh!!

So yes - in my opinion, unless a joke can be accurate, it simply isn't going to amuse...  If you're trying to write a joke, and you end up in a situation like this, please, just give up!  It was a lovely thought, but it just isn't going to work - so try to forget it, and move on...

Using more words doesn't always make you smart

Here's something I've been wanting to talk about for a while, now...

All too often, people seem to think that the more words they use, when they speak, the greater will be their perceived intellect...  Sadly, this is not always the case!

A common example of this is as follows...  Somebody sees, for instance, a film (let's say, "Shrek 7") and they don't like it...  "I was not impressed, in any way, shape or form," they say to me...

That expression - "in any way, shape or form" - is becoming increasingly common in everyday speech...  Presumably the person saying it (in this case, our disgruntled cinema-goer) thinks "look at me, showing off my fulsome vocabulary, and extraordinarily impressive and varied grasp of the English language - I'm so clever!"

However, listening to him, I merely think "well done, you have used three incredibly simple words, when one would have done the job just fine - you pillock!"

Clearly, I only think that...  I wouldn't say that to his face - that would just be rude!  (Instead, I would just let him find this Blog post, and discover that I have been talking about him behind his back with you lovely internet people, and we've all been having a good ol' laugh at his expense...  Much more sensitive and polite, don't you think?!)

Another example is seen a lot on television - particularly in interviews, factual programmes, and so on...  Politicians do it a lot, actually!  I am referring, of course, to the crass over-use of the word "absolutely", which lately, seems to have become a synonym for the word "yes"...

I'm not entirely sure when "absolutely" underwent this transformation, nor indeed what was involved, but now, when someone being interview on TV wishes to answer a question in the affirmative, they say "absolutely", instead of "yes"...

"So, Minister, is it true that you now plan to tax ferret ownership, for anyone earning above twelve thousand pounds a year?"
"Absolutely!"
"And do you think this is a policy which your voters will like?"
"Absolutely!"
"Are you, then, suggesting that the Ferret Tax will be beneficial to the majority of low-to-middle income families living in Britain today?"
"Absolutely!"

You see how inane it is?

So, for goodness' sake, please stop it!

Please only say what you need, and no more, and no less, and nothing unnecessary, and certainly not any more than is required!

Lyrical Issue

I'm trying to write some lyrics, and I've hit upon a problem...

I wrote a line which included "different to" - of course, this is incorrect...  Anyone but a moron knows it ought to be "different from"...!  I despise this mistake - along with the other obvious issues of less/fewer, if I was/were, etc - and was horrified to see that I'd written it myself...

However, there is a reason for this...  The song I'm trying to write isn't particularly slow, so with "different from" you end up getting two "fr" sounds in quick succession...  It's harder to sing, and it sounds more clumsy, than "different to" which seems to scan much better as a lyric...  Natural, as a lyricist, I want to write verses that flow, sound pleasing and are nice to sing...  But, I couldn't bear to think I'd written a grammatical error into one of my songs, and allowed it to stay there, like an un-Bazooka-ed verruca...!

So now, there is a battle, between my inner artist, and my inner grammar pedant...  They're not just having a fight - they're actually jousting!  In my head!  Horses, lances, suits of armour - the lot...!!  And it's giving me a headache...  Maybe I should give the songwriting a break, and try and get some sleep?!