Jog on, Jolyon

This is principally a post about how thunderously unimpressed I was by Jolyon Rubinstein's appearance on BBC's This Week (with Andrew Neil) on Thursday night.  A self-appointed ambassador for 'young people' who claims to be a satirist speaking out against 'the establishment', Rubinstein is part of the general 'anti-politics' movement.  You know the sort… Nobody speaks for me, nothing makes any difference, all politicians are bastards, there aren't any more blackcurrant ones left in my packet of Wine Gums, etc., etc., whinge, whinge.

Rubinstein's VT for This Week began with "so why did we deliver a truck full of bullshit to the Houses Of Parliament?  Because Parliament's the naturally-occurring habitat of bullshit!"  Yes, very droll.  What an astute observation.  Such biting satire.

Back on the This Week sofa, his 'go-to' trope was the invasion of Iraq in 2003.  This, apparently, is why young people are so disengaged from politics.  A cock-up it may have been, but I get the feeling people of my generation will still be spluttering "…but, Iraq!" as a rebuttal to any political point in another forty years.  But Rubinstein and his ilk will always prefer a lazy soundbite to any informed political analysis – the latter, after all, might not fit his neat, pre-determined world view.

This was made abundantly clear when – still riffing on Iraq – Rubinstein claimed that young people today were more 'turned off' politics than ever before, and that this was the fault of politicians (who else?!) for being more sleazy, more corrupt, more dishonest and more greedy than ever before.  Alan Johnson made a comparison with the Suez Crisis; Rubinstein tried to claim that this wasn't the same, because there were not "allegations that the invasion was based on a falsehood" – and in doing so, showed up his total ignorance of the subject.

This is the fundamental flaw with attempts to engage 'young people' with politics.  Jolyon Rubinstein embodies the very worst of 'young people' – insular, self-absorbed and inward-looking, and utterly dismissive of anything not within his direct frame of reference.  To Rubinstein, the Suez Crisis didn't count because it didn't happen to him; the Iraq invasion must have been a much worse scandal, with far more wide-reaching ramifications, because he (and other 'young people') can relate to it.

The whole time that Johnson and Michael Portillo were speaking to him (both of them making excellent, well-supported, rational points – or so I thought, anyway), Rubsinstein sat opposite rolling his eyes, looking surly and disinterested.

Rubinstein's insistence that our generation is different, is special, and has things so much harder than the generations who came before (even though, actually, the opposite is almost certainly true), and that anyone belonging to an older generation couldn't possibly know what life is like for us was just embarrassing – these are the sentiments you express when, brimming over with adolescent angst, you join your first band at the age of fifteen, wear your hair almost entirely covering your face, and write terrible, angry songs about how nobody understands you.

This arrogantly maudlin, self-indulgent wallowing might be acceptable in teenagers who know no better, but who will inevitably mature, grow out of it, and go on to write heart-rending break-up albums instead; it's pretty cringeworthy to see this proffered up on national television, masquerading as serious political commentary.

An A-Z of A-Zs

Any time a
Business or a
Community tries to
Do something which is presented as an 'A-Z', it fails
Every time.  This
Form of presenting anything
Gets
Harder and harder as you go on.
It may start out as a cool idea, but
Just think, if you
Keep going you'll end up
Looking for
More and more
Niche,
Obscure
Phrases or words beginning with
Q
Relating to your
Story or advertising campaign, which ends up looking
Trite and contrived.
eventUally, you
giVe up altogether, because there are no
Words that begin with
X which tie in with
Your brand.
Zebra.

A look back at 2014

Today is the last day of 2014, while tomorrow will be a 2015.  Nothing will change, of course, as we cross that imaginary line in the sand, as the calendar is simply an arbitrary construct, as are all ways of organising time.  Nevertheless, it customary at this time of year to look back over the past twelve months and reflect on the good times, and what one has achieved, with an air of smug self-satisfaction, and I would hate to be the only person on the internet not joining in with this self-congratulatory tradition.

• I left the radiators on all year 'round, because I wanted to see what it would be like to live in the Seychelles (where they worship radiators as demigods).
• I briefly spoke on the phone with the Pope but we got cut off when he lost signal.
• I won three rounds of 'Uno' in a row.
• I invented a new way of peeling vegetables which extracts the inner part of the vegetable through a tube rather than scraping off the outer layers in the old and inefficient method.
• My friends all chipped in to buy me shares in the World's Largest Cucumber.
• I rowed from Britain to Ireland across the Irish Sea in a boat made entirely from elastic bands.
• I ate over 19,000 chips.

Another successful year!  Thanks for being a part of it – and here's to 2015.

Breakfast radio

Sitting in a van at six o'clock this morning, having traveled all night from a gig in Plymouth back to the East Midlands, I became more and more irritated by the banality and forced joviality of the presenter we were listening to on BBC Radio 1.

As this constant stream of inane babble, interspersed with regular pleas for listeners around the country to text the radio station and stick their oar in too (who actually does that, thinking 'yes, my life and what I'm doing right now are so interesting that all the other people listening to national radio will want to hear all about it'?!), seeped into my brain, I hosted my own little breakfast radio show on Twitter…

A look back at 2013

As we approach the arbitrary line-in-the-sand which marks the end of 2013, the beginning of 2014, and the deafening placebo effect of hundreds of shallow individuals convincing themselves they're "turning over a new leaf", many people take time out to reflect on some of the key moments over the previous twelve months and wonder what on earth they are doing with their lives.

Hating to be the exception to any rule, here is a quick summary of my most significant moments from the past year...

• I have been to five different continents - mostly on fact-finding missions, but once just to see if I'd be able to get back.

• I broke the sound barrier using just the power of my mind.

• I've been married twice (but, curiously, divorced three times).

• I won the Turner Prize for my mixed-media piece 'Evaporated Weltschmerz', which is now on display in Latvia's biggest and most well-ventilated art gallery.

• I invented a new pizza topping, which goes on the bottom.

• I built a fully habitable igloo out of only what you can buy in the 'Reduced' aisle in Waitrose, and lived there for two months (during which time I paid no Council Tax, but my heating bills went through the roof).

• I discovered a new species of wasp and a new species of ant - and have since cross-bred them to form a new species of want.

• I bought a new shirt, but so far haven't worn it out anywhere.

Here's hoping that 2014 proves considerably less eventful...!

I am officially the funniest person at #EdFringe

Today, TV channel Dave announced the 'funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival' - a joke by comedian Rob Auton, which goes like this:

"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Very funny.  I should know - I wrote this joke more than two years ago.

Admittedly, I didn't have the platform the the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to publicise my joke - I just posted it on Twitter - but as you can see, I was doing this joke as far back as March 2011:

I am going to make a bubbly milk chocolate bar, with a layer of sweet'n'sour sauce, and market it as a Chinese Wispa...
— Kit Marsden (@manek43509) March 26, 2011

In total, I have Tweeted the joke four times (three times publicly, once to drummer and producer Craig Blundell):

I will admit that Mr Auton's version is rather better worded (he is a professional comedian, after all) - but no one can really deny that this is, in essentials, the same joke.  And that I got there first.

Where's my prize?

Off to a good start...

My plan was to write a new Blog post on 1st January 2012, talking to people about new beginnings, and outlining a few New Year's resolutions of my own.  Well, it's now the 2nd of January, and only half-an-hour away from being the 3rd, so that's hardly an auspicious start, is it?  Nevertheless, I shall press on...

My New Year's Resolutions run as follows:

• I am going to write my Blog more regularly and more frequently.  (That one's going well already!)  And I'm going to include more diverse material - more "serious" stuff (about work) and analysis/reviews of things, as well as the usual whimsy.

• I am going to practise more.  And I'm talking about actual, proper practice - working on my technique, playing scales, learning things that I actually want to learn - not just learning the tracks I have to learn for whatever gigs or sessions I have coming up.

• I should like to do more piano gigs.  I love doing drumkit/percussion work, of course, but I would really like to start doing more regular gigs on piano/keyboards as well.  (You - yes, you - can help with this resolution, by hiring me for keyboard gigs!  Email me for for more information.)

• I am hoping to read more books.  I used to be an avid reader, but in recent years this has slipped, and I regret it.  Literature is hugely important, and I intent to reverse this trend over 2012.
  
• I will try to write more jokes.  I'm sure you're probably groaning at the thought, just from reading that - but I mean it.  I love comedy, and I wish I were able to be more involved it.  My one-liners and puns on Twitter are really my only decent outlet for this interest, so I hope I shall be able to make more of it.
  
• I will go to more comedy gigs.  Related to the previous point, of course - as I said, I love comedy, and I enjoy going to see comedians perform live.  In 2012, I shall make a point of making more time for this hobby.

So, there y'go!  Let's hope I can stick to these, and possibly revisit the subject during the year, to see how the Resolutions are progressing.

Check your jokes

It is my belief that a joke can only be funny if it is also factually accurate...

Allow me to share a joke which I feel illustrates this point rather well -

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi!

(This joke was particularly popular, I remember, when I was at high school...  Something about it bothered me, even then - now, I can explain what, exactly, that is...)

So, initially, this seems like a nice idea...  Y'know, fungi - mushrooms, etc - and fun guy - a pleasant, sociable chap who'd probably enjoy a good party...  Could be good, right?

But there's a problem with this, isn't there?  The problem being that "fungi" is a plural, while "a fun guy" is a singular person...

In order to make the joke work, you'd have to say -

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungus!

Now, that would simply draw blank looks and bemused hand gestures, because it simply isn't funny...  "A fun gus"...?  That would only work if the name of this fun guy were Augustus - or Gus, for short!  And for that to be apparent, you'd have to point it out beforehand, which would rather ruin the joke...

On the other hand, you could say this -

Why did the mushrooms go to the party?
Because they were fungi!

Again, that's not funny!  "Because they were fun guy"...?  What tosh!!

So yes - in my opinion, unless a joke can be accurate, it simply isn't going to amuse...  If you're trying to write a joke, and you end up in a situation like this, please, just give up!  It was a lovely thought, but it just isn't going to work - so try to forget it, and move on...

Politics and comedy - 10 O'Clock Live

Last night, I finally got around to watching a new programme on Channel 4, Ten O'Clock Live, which has been advertised quite a bit lately...  Channel 4's website describes it as a weekly, live comedy and current affairs show hosted by David Mitchell, Jimmy Carr, Charlie Brooker and Lauren Laverne - so I was looking forward to it...

Comedy and politics are two big interests of mine...  I love Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell, I like Jimmy Carr as well, and I'm fairly ambivalent about Lauren Laverne...  Naturally, I had high hopes for this show!

So, did it work?  Well, not as well as I'd hoped, I'm afraid to say...

Some parts were good - most particularly, Charlie Brooker's Newswipe-style break-downs of current affairs topics such as Sarah Palin...  However, I felt other parts of the programme didn't really come off...

In particular, the debate on bankers' bonuses was something of a flop, with very little content, and not enough time spent to do much more than gloss quickly over the main points of the issue...

Like other news and politics programmes, Ten O'Clock Live had brought in three interviewees to debate this issue, from contrasting perspectives - these three people were meant to bring their differing views to a round-table debate on "bonus culture" in modern banking, chaired by David Mitchell...  Although I am usually a big fan of Mitchell (as I've already mentioned) I didn't feel he did a good job chairing this debate, as the "host" of the show - I thought he was more concerned with playing to the crowd, as a comedian, than talking to the three guests as a political broadcaster...

The topic is a contentious one - and rightly so - and this means that a good, strong debate could be had...  Unfortunately, the public mood in this country at the moment is very anti-bank and anti-banker, and Mitchell decided it would be much easier to jump on that bandwagon, and cut across the guests as they tried to make their points with cheap jibes at the bankers than to let all sides of the argument be heard equally...  I felt this was a shame - it turned what could have been an interesting feature into an uninformative, populist banker-bashing farce...

Contrast this with Jimmy Carr's interview with an environmentalist academic with some unusual ideas about solving what are commonly referred to as "green" issues - Carr managed to be clever, entertaining and funny, without preventing the professor putting his points forward...

On the other hand, Carr's piece about the Tunisian unrest, in which he tried to sell Tunisia as a holiday destination, in a daytime TV-style pitch, felt strained, with many of the jokes seeming rather tired and predictable...

So, on the whole, a mixed reaction to the first broadcast of Ten O'Clock Live...  I think I probably will keep watching, over the next few weeks - but I will know, now that this a comedy and current affairs show with the emphasis very much on the comedy side, and I will know not to expect serious political commentary to take precedence over getting a few cheap laughs out of a typical studio audience...

Bad television

I am going to expand on some ideas I had on my Twitter recently, about bad television...

It was as I sat, watching daytime TV, before going out to a gig, one day...  I saw trailers for programmes which seemed so bad, I couldn't believe anyone would really want to watch them!

But then I thought - with so many television channels, these days, surely almost all ideas for television series will, eventually, get commissioned...?  How bad would an idea for a new TV show have to be, for one of these "new channels" to turn it down?!

Is the modern plethora of TV channels spoiling the "art" of television?  Are the days of quality programming slipping away from us?  It certainly seems, more and more, that good television - informative and challenging documentaries, gripping dramas with well-written exciting plots and well-written scripts, high-quality sports coverage, and laugh-out-loud comedy shows - is being usurped by the televisual equivalent of the tabloid press, and those repuslive "real life!" magazines about children with two noses who get bullied at school...

So I started coming up with a few of my own ideas for bad television, which might well end up being shown in the middle of the day on some trashy TV channel called "Really" or "Watch" or "Dave" or "BBC3" or whatever...

So, what do you think...  Would you watch any of these?

- Celebrities Eating Rice
A brand new celebrity show!
Each week, three understandably minor celebrities see who can eat the most rice...  Their bowls are refilled each time they finish their rice, until they can eat no more!  The celebrity who has consumed the most bowls of rice is deemed the winner, and wins a meal for two in a Thai restaurant, and three month's free membership to Bannatyne's Health and Fitness Club...  (The programme makers guarantee that you will only have heard of one out of the three celebrities featured each week!)
Hosted by a terrifying genetic fusion of Graham Norton and Bruce Forsyth

- Feet, LIVE!
An observational scientific documentary - cameras installed at ground-level on Oxford Street in London show a live feed of the feet of passers-by...
Live commentary on the feet by Murray Walker

- Ross Kemp - in a Mini
Every week, Ross tries to see how many of a certain item he can fit into an old-school British Mini Cooper motor car...  Each programme starts with a camera close-up on Ross' face, and the phrase "hi, I'm Ross Kemp, and tonight, I'm going to see how many *things* I can fit into this Mini!"  The schedule for the "things" as a follows -
Week One - poppadums
Week Two - goose eggs
Week Three - second-edition copies of "Lady Chatterley's Lover", by D.H. Lawrence
Week Four - six-week-old Burmese kittens
Week Five - paper dinner plates
Week Six - Seiko radio/alarm clocks
Week Seven - Volvic natural mineral water (750ml bottles, with sports caps)
Week Eight - Liberal Democrat activists

- Survival
Twelve random members of the public are kept under constant surveillance, until one of them dies...  They could all be involved in freak accidents mere weeks after filming starts, meaning the programme will be over very quickly - then again, the series could last upwards of fifty years, if any of the "life-mates" live on until they die of natural causes...
Presented by Davina McCall, and whichever one of Ant and Dec can win a thumb war

- Yeastenders
Gritty, real-life drama about life in a busy London bakery...
Starring Natalie Cassidy, and that knob from "Skins" with the tattoos


So, what do you reckon?  Any of those good enough actually to be made into real television shows?

Ps -
If any television executives or channel bosses are reading this, you should know that I watch a lot of TV, and if I see any of these shows actually being broadcast, I will sue you!  However, if you wish to contact me about buying the rights to any of these ideas, I certainly shall be open to offers...!