If I were Prime Minister…

In the run-up to the 2015 General Election, the Independent have been asking 100 people what they would do if they were Prime Minister.  These people include journalists, authors, sportsmen, musicians, political campaigners, and the like.  Obviously, I'm slightly surprised – and more than a little hurt – not to have been asked to contribute to this…  So, with exactly one week to go until Polling Day, I'm going to write my piece about it anyway, and publish it here.

If I were Prime Minister, I would introduce on-the-spot fines for anybody who lets a set of double doors close in the wrong order.  Y'know how lots of double doors have one door with an outer 'lip', and one with an inner 'lip', and they fit nicely together if closed correctly?  I can't understand how anyone can let double doors close behind them in the wrong order and walk nonchalantly away with nary a backward glance, so I propose stamping out this cavalier behaviour with fines of up to £150.

That'll be 150 quid, mate.

On issues of public health, I would make it a criminal offence not to use the tongs provided at a buffet.  I would also make it a criminal offence to serve buffet food without providing tongs.  Either of these could elicit a jail sentence of up to six months.  Further to this, it would be mandatory for all public buildings to include at least one basin with a foot-operated tap.

On education, I would ensure that university students pay twice as much for their drinks in bars and pubs as anybody else.  University is a place for learning, not just a three-year-long excuse to get drunk, and students get plenty of concessions in other areas – such as clothes retailers offering student discounts, no council tax payments, and free cheeseburgers at McDonald's.  I'm sure the rest of us would relish the opportunity to have a drink in a pub without a bunch of rowdy students shouting, doing 'shots' and having 'fun'.

Expanding on an idea I first proposed on this Blog several months ago, any business putting out their special Christmas-themed TV adverts or billboard advertising before the last week in November would see their corporation tax payments double as a result.  There is simply no need for companies to start ramming Christmas down our throats in mid-October!  While on the topic of advertising, I would ban all television adverts which anthropomorphise food.

No one would be allowed to turn right on the Ring Road; it causes far too many delays.  If you want to go right, you'll have to go left, left, and left again.

I would introduce standardised flavour colours for crisp packets.  It is far too confusing for some companies to make Salt'n'Vinegar packets green and Cheese'n'Onion packets blue, while other companies have Cheese'n'Onion crisps in green packets and Salt'n'Vinegar in blue ones.  These guidelines will be set down by a new Minister For Crisps And Snacks, who will also be in charge of ensuring even distribution of flavours in 'Multipack' crisps (except Prawn Cocktail, because nobody likes it).

Finally, I would hold a referendum on holding a referendum on Europe.  Opinion is divided on whether we should have a referendum on Britain's membership of the European Union or not, and so I believe the best and most democratic way to gauge the public mood on this matter is have a referendum on whether or not we should have the referendum – however, this would not be in any way binding upon my government.

Obviously, these proposals are just a taste of the decent, common sense policies for hardworking men and women which my government would introduce.  A full copy of the UKIT Manifesto (no, that doesn't stand for anything – it's just a bit like UKIP but with my name in it instead, and much better policies) is available on request.

Time to cut off the roadworks queue-jumpers

It is a quintessentially British thing to get so wonderfully infuriated by queue-jumpers.  So why do we accept such shoddy behaviour, which would never for a moment be permissible in a queue of pedestrians, on the road?

The diagram above details a very common scenario on Britain's highways.  When roadworks are being done on a dual carriageway road, and one of the lanes is therefore closed after a certain point, most people are sensible enough to get themselves into the correct lane nice and early (these lane closures are usually signposted from up to two miles back, so there's ample time to prepare).

However, there are always a few impatient, discourteous, uncivilised drivers about.  These are the people who dress like estate agents and drive Audi A6 Estates, or BMW 1 Series.  (It has long been an ambition of mine to find these men who drive 1 Series and tell them, in the style of Tom Baker in Blackadder: "you drive a woman's BMW, my lord!"  …but that's another topic entirely.)

The car in the right-hand lane in my diagram is one such driver.  He knows that the right-hand lane is soon going to be closed off - and he knows that this is why the majority of cars are pulling over into the left-hand lane.  But he sees an opportunity to overtake a few cars, so he pulls out into the right-hand lane, accelerates to 80mph, and races down to the very point at which it is no longer possible to drive any further without pulling over to the left again - then he flicks his indicator on and waits for somebody in the queue of traffic to let him in.

He gains relatively little from his reckless, insufferable rudeness - but other drivers, who have had the sense to move into the left-hand lane early, end up having to let him in ahead of themselves, thus inflating his ego and encouraging more of this uncouth behaviour.

Well, I say no more!  We, as a nation, must tolerate this sort of thing no longer!  We should not allow roadworks queue-jumpers the satisfaction of thinking they have stolen a march on the rest of us - leave them sitting at the point where the traffic cones bar their way, and do not let them back in.  They will soon learn.

SatNav snobbery

Being someone who drives around a fair bit for work, I have a SatNav (a Garmin Nüvi 1300, if you must know) and I use it a fair amount.  Now, I'm not one of those idiots who would blindly follow a SatNav wherever it told them to go - even if that were off a cliff, or from Solihull to Barnsley via Ashgabat - without ever exercising any common sense, but I do find it very useful to use the SatNav when I'm doing a lot of travelling.

However, something I often find irksome is the strange kind of SatNav snobbery which some people exhibit.  I'm sure we've all experienced this, at some point...  Someone gives you the address of their house, school, workshop or tinned soup processing plant, and then adds: "oh, you'll have to use a road map to get directions, SatNavs can't find our address."

I don't know why this irritates me quite so much, but it always does.  It's like they're trying to say: "we're too special for that; our address is so exclusive, your plebeian SatNav won't possibly be able to find it.  We're down a Private Road, don'tcha know?  You can't even see the entrance to our road ordinarily - it only appears to you if you drive past in second gear, reciting cornucopia handlebar squirrel reticence, while not wearing trainers!"

Whenever I find myself in that situation, I like to drive to that destination using nothing but the SatNav to direct me - just to prove that they're not so special after all.

Meals on wheels

A little while ago, I posted this picture on Facebook, showing how a Sainsbury's "Taste The Difference" BLT sandwich fits perfectly in the CD holder of my Mondeo.

 

As this image included all of the manliest things in the world in one place (cars, bacon, and DIY) it garnered quite a lot of interest, and ended up with quite a few comments and "likes".  One of those comments asked me for advice on eating sandwiches in the car, and I am planning to give a few tips on this topic, based on my experiences of eating in the car, now.

Tip one.  Choose carefully:

Choose a filling which is conducive to being consumed in the car.  Remember that you will only be able to hold this sandwich with one hand, so it is important that your filling isn't just going to fall out as soon as you take it out of the packet.  Mayonnaise, or some similar condiment typical in sandwiches, is good, as it acts as an adhesive, to keep your filling where it ought to be.  (But too much will drip, and cause a terrible mess - so be careful when making your selection!)

Despite featuring in the picture that triggered this whole thing, tomatoes are not always a good choice, because the centres are wont to go everywhere, unless you catch the whole thing at once.

Any filling that comes in lots of little bits is not usually a good idea.  So, choose cheese slices over grated cheese, as it will be much easier to control with just one hand.


Tip two.  Eat inwards:

Most shop-bought (or petrol station-bought) sandwiches come in the form of large triangles.  Like this -

If you're holding the sandwich at the base (in this diagram, the top point) it's the corners where you're most vulnerable to losing filling.  So, you should get rid of them first, thus -

With the corners gone, eat from the top of the sandwich in towards the point at the base, where you are holding it.


Tip three.  Eat quickly:

Dawdling over your sandwich will not help.  Take large bites, and get rid of it quickly.  Don't fret too much about table manners - you're in the car.


I hope that has helped all you car-eaters out there!  If not, fire me your questions in the comments, and I'll see if I can help.

When I am the Minister for Transport (part two)

As a musician, I do seem to do quite a lot of travelling - most of it by road…  (I drove over eight hundred miles in one weekend, last week…)  And one of the things which annoys me most about travelling in the car, is roadworks…

Now, roadworks are annoying - we all know that!  And, sometimes, we have to accept that they're also necessary…  But, I am not convinced that roadworks in such high quantities are really essential!

Yeah, sure, if the road's actually falling apart - if somebody's actually died because of the state of the road - by all means, then, do something about it!  But so many of the roadworks one meets, as one travels around the country, seem so trivial…

Or, indeed, inexplicable!  If you're travelling North, the chances are you'll happen upon the M1, at some point in your journey…  The last time I was driving North on the M1, great swathes of it were covered in roadworks, marked down to 50mph, and lines of frustrated, slow moving traffic are regulated by the modern equivalent of Cromwell's Puritan Commissioners - the Average Speed Check Cameras of Evil!

"M1 Improvements" boasts the sign…  Now, I don't know about you, but I was never under the impression that the M1 needed "improving"…  It always seemed fine as it was!

And, whatever these improvements are, which the powers-that-be seem to feel really need implementing, are they worth all the hassle?  Because, while the work is actually being done, far from being "improved", the M1 is actually a whole lot worse!

To give you an idea of the irony of some of these situations, I was just entering another roadworks zone, around Junction 16 of the M25, when I saw a sign saying this -

"M25 Carriageway Widening - caution, narrow lanes"

So, how's that widening working out for you, eh?  Made a good start?

Again, I realise that, in some cases, work simply has to be done, and drivers must just live with the disruption, until it's all over…  It just seems that some works will never end, and when they eventually do, some other road is being worked on…  When will the roads finally be finished?  Never!

I don't actually have a proper proposal about this…  If I were made Minister for Transport tomorrow (and there's a strong chance that will happen) I wouldn't have my policy on roadworks all set-out and ready to be implemented…

But what I do know is that I'd definitely try and cut down on the amount of roadworks, and the sheer size and scale of the projects, as much as possible…  Only when absolutely, really necessary, and there's no other alternative, would I allow works to begin…  Otherwise - forget it!  They're just too much of a nuisance - and, more often than not, more trouble than they're worth…

When I am the Minister for Transport (part one)

Many town or city centres, these days, are open only to buses, and bicycles...  Now, as everyone knows, buses and bicycles are the two most irritating vehicles on the roads in this country...

So, when I am Minister for Transport, buses and bicycles will be banned from built-up areas - for the sanity of all...

"Park & Ride" schemes will be turned upside-down - a bus will take you from your house, to a carpark on the outskirts of the city, and then you will get into a car, and drive into the city centre to do your shopping, or go to the bank, or whatever...

Brilliant, eh?

Rail Travel

Something I've not done for quite a while now, is travel any great distance by rail…  Since passing my driving test, I have relied on the comfort, convenience and familiarity of my own car - perhaps too much, but certainly no more than many other people I know…

On the face of it, this seems mad…  Rail travel over any distance is likely to be less expensive than running a car, for a start, and you can hand the responsibility for the route, the handing of the vehicle, indeed, everything, over to the rail service operator…  It sounds relaxing - the idea that you can sit back while somebody else drives you to wherever you want to go…  Without the need to concentrate on driving the thing yourself, you can sit back and read a book or magazine, write a song, listen to music, or just to sleep…  I'm surprised that there are any cars left on the roads at all!

However, when one actually experiences a long-distance rail journey, it is not difficult to see why I, and many others, prefer traveling by road…!  To begin with, the relaxed, carefree picture of rail travel painted in the previous paragraphs only holds true if everything runs smoothly…  It only takes one small thing to go wrong, and the picture is hanging skew-wiff, the colours are running, and the artist himself is found dead in an alleyway with stab-wounds in his side and his money and passport stolen…

And there are many things that can delay or disrupt a rail journey - from a swan on the line, to the engine breaking down…!

But the worst bit of it all, is that you, as a mere passenger, are powerless to do anything about it!  As you sit frustrated in Coach D, Seat 30(A) listening to crackling announcements in what sounds like a foreign tongue over the speakers - "we apologise for this inconvenience" - you get later and later for whatever it is you're traveling for, and you realise that, had you been traveling in your own car, you could at least have tried to do something to help yourself…

Delays on the road are irritating, of course, but at least each driver is the master of his own destiny, the captain of his fate…  On the train, we are in the hands of others, and it never feels so bad as when you're waiting for news, and no news arrives, and nobody on the staff seems to know what's going on, and the unexplained delay drags on for hours, with no respite, no chance to get off and stretch your legs, and only the questionable fare of the "buffet car" to sustain yourself…

Furthermore, another large problem with traveling by rail is the vehicles themselves…  Hot, cramped, and poorly equipped, the trains of today are a far cry from the glamourous mode of transport those living in the golden age of steam came to know and love…  Perhaps it is my fault, for picking a career that doesn't (yet) seem to pay well enough for me to afford a First Class ticket, but I firmly believe that even Standard Class could be greatly improved from the unnerving experience it currently is…

Passengers - sorry, "customers" - are packed into the railway carriages as tightly as possible, and the result is a distinct lack of comfort, privacy, and individual discretion…  Everyone in the carriage can hear your telephone conversations, see what book you're reading, hear the spill from your iPod headphones, read what you're writing over your shoulder - you have no choice but to share these details of your life with whoever happens to be in the same train as you, for the duration of the journey…

And the rail companies don't exactly make life easy for you either...!

You are asked not to leave any luggage unattended "at any time", but nobody is on hand to explain how those traveling alone can visit the toilet, or buy a coffee, without dragging heavy suitcases and handbags everywhere with them…!

You are instructed to "familiarise yourself with the safety notices displayed around the train" which, on inspection, are rude and unhelpful…  (Much like some of the station staff one encounters on these journeys!)

"Please do not put feet on the seats" requests a sign displayed next to every group of four seats around a table - I am always tempted to write "I wouldn't need to, if you provided adequate leg-room!" underneath it…  (The tables themselves are small, and if more than one of the four passengers grouped around them wishes to read a newspaper, or work on a laptop computer, it presents a taxing logistical problem…)

A man in the corner, in a tie-dye shirt and leather skull-cap, picks his nose as he describes, in detail, his recently sexual exploits to whichever luckless individual is on the other end of the 'phone line…  Normally, I would run a mile from him - on the train, I can go about two inches in any direction, before colliding with something, or someone…  I can only sit in my seat, squirming with discomfort, turning up the volume on my iPod and hoping against hope that he dies within the next five minutes - or at least gets off at the next stop…  Disappointingly, he clings onto life, and not only stays on the train, but stays on the 'phone, for the next hour and a half…!

So, surrounded, at close proximity, by strangers, many of whom are very strange indeed, too hot with a jacket on, but too draughty without it, hemmed in, not just by people, but by absurd safety regulation, and with barely enough room for oneself, let alone one's things, the attractions of traveling in one's own car dangle temptingly before one's eyes…

The ability to make stops whenever, and wherever, you choose…  The ability to put in an extra piece of luggage, which you may or may not need, just in case…  The freedom to choose the temperature, the speed, the route, the radio station, the refreshments, and so on…  And not have a hundred other fraught travellers virtually sitting on your lap as you do it!