Electioneering (part one)

OK, I'm gonna go ahead and open with a disclaimer, here...

I'm sure that many people are already blogging away on the topic of the General Election - and most of them will be more intelligent, more informed, and more eloquent than I...  (Maybe some of them have even beaten me to the Radiohead joke!)  These are not meant to be heavyweight political blogs - of course, I have serious points to make, and I have real opinions to put forward - but please try not to get all hot under the collar if I say something you disagree with...  Proportional Representation is silly...  Why?  I don't have to give a reason - I'm a blogger, not a politician!

So, my first thoughts on this 2010 Election Campaign are as follows...

Oh my God, people!  Stop it with the Clegg already!!

Nick Clegg is a nice guy...  I know - I've met him...  He's also a good public speaker, and, to the best of my knowledge, an honest politician, doing what he believes is right...  This sudden Lib Dem fever, on the other hand, is totally mad...

I should say, that I'm not at all taking a pop at actual Liberal Democrat activists...  I know people who've been Lib Dem supporters for years - good for them!  (They're nuts, of course - but good for them!)

What I'm talking about, is this...  Observe the following Facebook group -

We got Rage Against the Machine to #1, we can get the Lib Dems into office!

Fairly popular, isn't it?  Over 130,000 members, right?  But it's ridiculous...

Firstly, who is this "we"?  I certainly didn't get Rage Against the Machine to #1 - and I shan't be getting the Lib Dems into office...  Stop trying include me in your crazy populist movements!

But a far more important issue is the way this seems to put the General Election on a level with the Christmas Number One...

The scheme to get "Killing In The Name" to the Number One spot in time for Christmas was essentially so that we, the great, record-buying public, could thumb our collective noses at Simon Cowell, and all that he stands for in the pop music world...  And that's all very well, if that how people want to spend their time and money...

But, by all means, screw with the music charts if you like - nothing really terrible will happen...  But doing the same with a General Election, where the future of our country is at stake, is madness!

Please - consider the policies of the party you plan to vote for...

The Lib Dems say they plan to raise the Personal Tax Allowance...  Like that idea?  Perhaps you should vote for them!  Don't like that idea?  Don't vote for them!

Is it really worth burdening the nation with a party you may not actually like, for the sake of a gesture?

Tellyrant the Third

Am I getting older and grumpier?  Or are adverts on TV getting rubbisher and rubbisher?

To be honest, I suspect a healthy dollop of both...  So I'm going to talk about a something which has been particularly proficient in the caprine attainment area recently...

Babies...  Is there anything creepier?  OK, babies, at any times, are slightly unsettling - but in some adverts, it's grudgingly acceptable to use babies...  Adverts for nappies, particularly, have a certain claim to legitimate use of babies...  But the Pizza Hut advert where the baby comes downstairs on its own and shouts at its parents?  Yes, that is the stuff nightmares are made of...!

It's the same story with that Evian Mineral Water advert, with the babies who are on roller-skates, or skateboards, or something...  Generally, it's babies acting like adults - or at least older kids...  And that's supposed to make me buy bottled water??  How?!

Please, all companies - whatever you make, whatever you sell - take note...  Talking babies do not a good advert make!!

Some adverts use older children - it's not so scary when they talk, of course, because most children can actually talk, in real life...  But why do they always pick children with the most irritating voices?  I remember being a reasonably articulate child - and I remember hanging out with other reasonably articulate children...  So how come these companies, and advertising agencies, pick the kids with the most child-like, "I only learnt to talk half an hour ago" voices?  It's actually quite painful to watch, and, indeed, to hear...

On a more positive note, there is one advert I've seen a few times recently which I think is fantastic...  (Obviously, I rarely, if ever, think an advert is any good at all, so this is quite exciting!)  It is the latest offering from opticians Specsavers - the one which cleverly makes you think it's going to be advert for Lynx deodorant sprays, right up until the last scene...  Here it is -

Clocks

Tonight, or so I'm told, the clocks "go forward"...  We enter that magical land of "Daylight Saving Time" (y'know it used to be called "British Summer Time" - but that's not European enough) and somehow, that's good...  Let's all do the Daylight Saving Dance and be happy!

Unfortunately, there's one drawback to the whole scheme...  It's this business of "losing an hour" - by putting the clocks forward by an hour, we skip out a whole hour from the day...  A twenty-three hour day - imagine that!

But already people are complaining about "losing an hour of sleep"...  It's understandable, really, isn't it?

So, here is what I propose...

Yeah, we have to lose the hour from the day, but do we have to lose it from our sleep time?  Why not take the hour out of working hours, and have the same amount of time in bed?

The day of the change, all businesses should open one hour later than they usually do, but close at the same time...

So, the clocks go forward...  Normally, you have to be at work for 9am - today, you have to be at work for 10am...  But you still leave your job at 5pm...  The system still works - we just have one fewer hour of working, rather than one fewer hour in bed...!  How good is that?!

Of course most of you will have noticed that this year, the clocks are going forward on a Sunday...  Some people work on Sundays, don't they?  So my idea can still benefit them...  But for anyone who has weekends off, who works part-time, who is a student, still at school, unemployed, self-employed, retired, or still in the womb - just get up an hour later, and stop moaning about it!

Chips, Fries, and God-in-Potato-Form

As somebody who eats a lot, it is my belief that there are three varieties of chips…  I write, now, about the difference between each kind, and my opinions of each…

Let me first of all say that this has nothing whatever to do with crisps - the thinly sliced, flavoured potato snack, usually sold in bags, that Americans would call "chips" - as they are a different animal entirely…  No, here we deal only with fried oblongs of potato, served hot - what Americans call "fries", and what normal people call "chips"…

My theory, therefore, goes as follows…

There are three types of chips - category one, category two, and category three…  (Imaginative names, eh?  Maybe, some day, I'll come with some better names for the categories…  I know - how about  a star-rating system?  Like Michelin stars for restaurants?  Yes, that'll work…!)

I believe the three categories can be defined in terms of a condiment - for example, ketchup - and its relationship to the chips…

So, One Star Chips, then…  These are chips which are almost unenjoyable without some kind of dressing…  A good example of One Star Chips would be any "French Fries" served at fast food outlets, kebab shops, burger stalls, greasy-spoons, truck-stop cafes, etc - typically thin, soggy, flavourless and uninspiring…  I find that it is actually quite difficult to eat chips from a kebab shop without some sort of sauce or dressing - tomato ketchup,  barbeque sauce, or even the ubiquitous "burger sauce" - to add interest to dish…  These, then, are One Star Chips…

Two Star Chips, though, are pretty "take it or leave it" when it comes to the ketchup…  These chips are the "average" chips of the snack world - not that there's anything wrong with that…  (They are infinitely nicer to eat than One Star Chips!)  Examples would be chips from a traditional British fish'n'chip shop, or the type served in pubs as a snack…  They're usually chunky, filling, and full of potatoness, and the fact that they are equally enjoyable with, or without, a sauce is what characterises them as Two Star Chips…

And now, we come to the aristocracy of the world of potato-based foods…  Three Star Chips - the greatest chips available to buy on this Earth!  Three Star Chips are, essentially, a gourmet version of Two Star Chips - they're typically available in a good restaurant, or particularly high-quality pub, and it's clear that these chips definitely have a master chef's touch...  But the thing that sets Three Star Chips apart is that they are so awesome, to add a sauce or, indeed, any condiments at all besides very light seasoning with high-quality sea-salt (particularly something as common, or vulgar as ketchup, or "burger sauce") would actually be to spoil the chips...  That's right, they are that good!  From my experience, the Lord Poulett Arms in Hinton-St-George, Somerset, serve excellent Three Star Chips - highly recommended!

So, there you have it...  Three categories of chips - defined by the relationship of the chips to popular condiments...  Brilliant, isn't it?

When I am the Minister for Transport (part one)

Many town or city centres, these days, are open only to buses, and bicycles...  Now, as everyone knows, buses and bicycles are the two most irritating vehicles on the roads in this country...

So, when I am Minister for Transport, buses and bicycles will be banned from built-up areas - for the sanity of all...

"Park & Ride" schemes will be turned upside-down - a bus will take you from your house, to a carpark on the outskirts of the city, and then you will get into a car, and drive into the city centre to do your shopping, or go to the bank, or whatever...

Brilliant, eh?

The long-overdue Facebook rant

Facebook - it's fun, it's cool, everyone has it, you keep in touch, you communicate, you share photos, videos, thoughts, comments, experiences...  Only one problem - it's RUBBISH!!

The rubbish-ness of Facebook is manifold...  I like to think of it as a shrivelled hand, where each bent, bony finger represents a reason why Facebook is rubbish...

The thumb, underneath which we all squirm in discomfort, is the broken codes of Facebook's interface...  Photos refusing to load, a "live feed" which still shows posts from last weekend, comments which say they can't be posted, but actually get posted twice, or three times, while you struggle to know what's going on...  It is a bug-ridden mire, a swamp of incompetence, pervaded by that pestilential "oops, something went wrong!" error box...  They have tried to be too clever by half, and they have fallen short...

Half the time, my home-page looks like this:

The index finger, pointing right at you, with mock-sincerity, is the layout of Facebook's interface...  If the code behind Facebook is bad, the way it is laid out on the screen is diabolically poor!  Even when my "feed" is working, I see is a string of people joining useless groups, or "becoming a fan" of everything in sight...  Am I interested?  Nope!  As an effective socially networking tool, Facebook is in danger of dieing completely - groups, fan pages, and applications have their eczema-inflamed fingers around Facebook's flabby throat, slowly choking the life out of any sane person's interest in the website...

And that leads me on to the middle finger, a rude and defiant gesture - a poisoner which Facebook itself invited to tea...  Applications!  Fishville, Farmville, Farm Town, Send a Smile, What Kind of a Friend are You?, How Old a Soul are You?, Fan Check, Who Were You in a Past Life?, My Top Followers - you know the ones...  How annoying...  Clogging up the "News Feed" like brambles over-running a once-nice suburban garden, people discovering their Top Ten Valentine's Day Crushes, at the click of a button...  Do I care?  Still no!

The fourth finger, weak and impotent, mostly irrelevant, is the Facebook Chat application...  I have used it once - it was an experience akin to bathing in cold, three-day-old herbal tea on the roof of The Treasury, while, oblivious to your presence, Alistair Darling and George Osborne wrestle fiercely, each clad only in a mankini...

And now, the fifth and final finger, of Facebook's dysfunctional hand...  The users themselves...  "Gosh, how could you say such a thing?!  If anyone's a victim in this whole charade, it's Facebook's users!"  Well yes - but some seem intent on make cyber-rods for their own ebacks...  I referred earlier to the pointlessness of a "News Feed" choked up with posts about irrelevant, un-funny, nonsensical groups and fan pages...  Who creates these?  Who joins the groups?  Who "becomes a fan" with alarming yet inescapable monotony?  The users, of course...!

I have done some research, to show just how ridiculous the whole group/page situation has become...  I, personally, am getting fed up with many of the old, hackneyed "jokes" which float around Facebooks fan pages...  For example, the whole "can *mundane object* get more fans than *unpopular celebrity* ?" thing is getting a little worn-out now...  In total, there are "about four thousand, two hundred" of these pages - some of the most popular include -

Can this Onion Ring get more fans than Justin Bieber?
can this sausage roll get more fans than cheryl cole?
Can this purple monster i made on paint get more fans than the president?
Can this Sexy Potato get more fans than Miley Cyrus?
Can this Banana Get more fans Than Miley Cyrus
Can this Hedgehog get more fans than JLS?
Can this egg get more fans than Katie Price?

These are all real examples, all of which have over fifty thousand fans on their pages...  And there are at least another four thousand, one hundred of them too!  You see my point?

Another quick search shows the following shocking figures..

There are 406 fan pages, and 231 groups, whose names begin with "Hi, I'm a boy" - and there are 575 fan pages and 350 groups whose names begin "Hi, I'm a girl"...  The "Hi, I'm a boy" groups are typically made by girls, and they try to make out how awful boys are - similarly, the "Hi, I'm a girl" groups are made by boys trying to get back at girls who've made "Hi, I'm a boy" groups...  Unless they're from the small backlash of groups about boys made by boys - or groups about girls made by girls - which try to make out that each gender is not as bad as the other seems to think...  It's essentially a sexism war, on Facebook - and it's all rather silly...  Here are some examples -

Hi, I'm a boy and I ignore decent girls and choose sluts instead.
"Hi, I'm a boy, I lie about my feelings all the time and ruin your life :)"
Hi I'm a Boy, Your Not The Only Girl In My Life, I Have Ten :) ♥
Hi! I'm a boy - I'm a prick.
Hi, I'm a boy, and actually, I'm a decent bloke.

hi i'm a girl, I argue, moan, think im always right & never shut up
Hi, I'm a girl, I sterotype all men because I cant get into a relationship.
hi, i'm a girl, i unfairly generalise the opposite sex
Hi, i'm a girl. NAGNAGNAGNAGNAG
Hiya, I'm a girl, and when I say I like you, I actually mean it.

As you can see, if you've clicked on any of those links, these groups are just full of petty arguments, tired sexist retorts and piss-poor spelling...

Also on the topic of a badly-punctuated "battle of the sexes" revolving around Facebook Groups (well, kind-of) there are 546 fan pages about having period pains...  I may be straying into dangerous territory myself here, but hey, I know it can be painful, but is it 546-pages-painful?!

Then, there are all the "I hate it when"s - around forty-six thousand of them!  These can be split into two categories...

Number one - Real I Hate It Whens...  For exampl -
i hate it when i forget something i really wanted to say
I Hate It When I Can't Fall Asleep Because I'm Thinking
I hate it when people unexpectedly go offline...

And number two - Stupid I Hate It Whens - which are supposed to be "funny" but really, really aren't, and are terribly over-done...  For example -

I hate it when you walk outside and someone randomly throws a fridge at you
I hate it when you open your trunk & a naked asian beats you with a crowbar
I Hate It When You Walk Outside, Realise Your A Fish, And Die.
Dont you just hate it when a walrus attacks your nan.
Dont u hate it when your with Jason Derulo & he keeps asking what you said?

There are 231 pages, and 67 groups, devoted to people who laughed when they saw a certain image - usually something to do with popular culture...  Here are some more cringe-worthy examples -

I LOL'D when i saw this picture of Robert Pattinson
I lold when i saw this pic of justin bieber !
I LOL'D WHEN I SAW THIS
I lol'd so much when i saw what simon cowel would look like bald. :')
I lol'd when I saw your new girlfriend because you said she was hot.

Pathetic, eh?

And finally, there are a disturbing 1800 pages, and a whopping 6200 groups, claiming to give your Facebook account a "Dislike Button" if you join, and invite all your friends...  Of course, none of them work - it is obvious, by now, to anyone with half a brain, that despite the initial clamouring, Facebook has no plans to instigate a "Dislike Button"...

In my opinion, the concept of Facebook still holds true, but it is as a good soul trapped inside a rotten and disfigured body...  It is like a fat man with a heart of gold...  It needs to go on a detox, and get back into shape...

[all figures correct at time of publishing]

Here's a thing...

This is a question for all the *couples* out there...  I'm wondering - why is it necessary to hold your partner's hand, or have your arms around each other, when doing the most mundane and uninteresting things?  Like, picking which sandwich to buy at a petrol station...  Do these things really cause anxiety?  Do they require mutual support, and the care of those who love you?  Or is it just that you can't seem to do the simplest day-to-day task without clinging to your boyspouse/girlspouse for support and reassurance?

Am I being bitter, harsh, cynical, and generally an all-round bastard?  Yes...  But I'm tired, annoyed, and I don't care...  So there!!