As someone who a) uses an iPhone, b) loves his iPhone, and c) has some spare time in the middle of the day, I decided to respond to Mr Hogan's points here (where he'll probably never see it):
1. The new, cheaper iPhone is called the 5C, which sounds like a class at school or a flat above a shop. It comes in four candy-bright colours, like it’s a highlighter pen, pair of Crocs or something. Perhaps the “C” stands for “common”.As it happens, I completely agree with Mr Hogan, here. In the past, iPhones were only available in black or white, and that's how it should be. (Personally, I'd get rid of the white as well.) Having a range of garish colours makes it look like a product for eleven-year-old girls.
2. Its posher sister model, the 5S, has a fingerprint sensor. So thieves won’t just steal your phone, they’ll amputate a finger too, like a sort of telecoms Yakuza.I'm pretty sure you won't be forced to use the fingerprint thingy.
3. They still automatically put “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of emails, making you look like a tragic show-off.You can switch that setting off pretty easily, actually.
4. Smug people with the new handsets will proudly place them on the pub, café or meeting room table when they sit down, then keep sneaking surreptitious glances at them. Oh, right. So the vague possibility of not seeing a text from your mum the very second it arrives is more interesting than anything I have to say, is it? Rude.Nonsense. I take things (my wallet and keys, as well as my phone) out of my pockets when I sit down because it's uncomfortable to sit down with a lot of bulky things in my pockets.
And as for whether a text/email I receive is more interesting/important than the people I'm actually with at the time? Well, it may be - but if I don't look at it, I'll never know. The fact is, most texts or emails can be (and usually are) left until later, once I've seen what they are - but if there's some urgent crisis in the family, or an incredible once-in-a-lifetime work opportunity arises, someone will contact me through my phone, and I'll want to know about it.
5. Don’t even get me started on “phubbing” (the phrase or the phenomenon).I had never heard this expression before...
6. The first line of incoming texts pings up on the homescreen. So if you do leave your phone on the table, other people can see if you’ve been bitching about them/sexting. Not that we would, naturally. Perish the thought.Again, you can switch this setting off.
7. Those losers who queue up to buy them on the first day of release. It’s just a telephone, chaps (and they always are chaps). Have a serious word with yourselves.Fair enough. But I'm sure those guys would have just as much disdain for other hobbies or interests - golf, for instance, or train-spotting...
8. The battery life is still like a mayfly’s. We’re encouraged to use all the fancy futuristic features but when we do, the juice runs out before we get home. Grrr, why I oughta…This irritates me no end. Not the battery life itself - but people moaning about it. If you use your phone so much that the battery wears down within an hour of leaving the house, for goodness' sake plan ahead and take a charger with you when you go out!
I have an iPhone charger which plugs into the power outlet in my car, and I have a spare mains charger which I carry in my bag - very rarely do I find myself so far removed from normal civilisation that I wouldn't be able to find somewhere to plug my phone in within, say, half-an-hour, if I had to.
9. If something goes wrong with it, you have to go to the twattily-named “Genius Bar”.Yes, it is a ridiculous name. But also, if they fix your phone for you, what's the problem?
10. On the keyboard, the voice dictation button is placed right next to the spacebar – ie. the single most used key. Cue accidentally turning on dictation mode, taking a second to realise, then having to cancel it to exit. Teeth-gnashingly tedious.I agree that this is hugely annoying, and a big design flaw.
11. Taking “selfies” (sorry) or using Snapchat makes you look fat and old. Or is that just me? Oh.I've never seen the appeal of Snapchat, personally, and therefore don't use it. If you don't like it, I would encourage you not to use it either.
12. People saying “Damn you, autocorrect!!1! lol” after they make a mistake in a text. A bad workmen blames his iTools. Read it back before you press send, you lazy shiv. Damn you, autocorrect.This is 100% spot-on.
PROOF-READ YOUR MESSAGES - DON'T BLAME THE PHONE IF YOU FAILED TO PICK UP ON A BASIC ERROR IN YOUR TEXT.
13. Kids playing music out of them on public transport without using headphones. Not only is it antisocial but it’s invariably bad music. I realise this makes me sound like a joyless old fart. People with their keypad tones turned right up is almost as bad. Click click click STOP IT.Again - no arguments here! Turn the bloody noises off, especially when you're in public.
14. They popularised use of words like “sync” and “app”, which are impossible to say out loud without feeling like a prize prat.Like it or not, these phrases are now a part of our everyday vernacular. Every new innovation brings something to language, and people always moan about it - not that that ever makes any difference...
15. People boring on and on about them endlessly. Which this piece has probably just done. Oops.I guess I've just contributed to that too.