Sunday 30 January 2011

The dating switchboard

I'm thinking of having a switchboard system fitted to my phone, for when I call girls I've met to ask them on a date...  It must get very tedious for these poor young ladies to have to think up reasons to say "no" all the time - much better for all concerned, I think, if everyone's favourite excuses are easily available, at the touch of a button!

A 'phone call would go something like this...

Hi, I'm Kit - we met at a bar in the city on Saturday?

When she responds to this opening gambit, an automated voice takes over...

If you already have a boyfriend, press 1

If you have recently been through a break-up, and "just need some space", press 2

If you thought I "seemed really nice", but you're "not looking to date anyone right now", press 3

Press 4 if you're busy on any or all of the dates I suggest

Press 5 if you're in a "complicated relationship"

If your job and/or degree doesn't leave you any time for dating, press 6

Press 7 if you "don't think it will work" (for whatever reason)

To change the subject and just avoid the issue all the time, press 8

Or if you actually want to be honest with me, press the # key to hang up

See?  How much easier is that?!

Wednesday 26 January 2011

BBC Radio 1 - seriously, just shut up!

Having no iPod connector in my car for two weeks has forced me to listen to the radio again - something I haven't done since the days when I got the bus to school every morning, and the bus driver chose which radio station we all had to listen to…

So, picking up where I left off nearly six years ago, I am, once again, a Radio 1 listener…  And yes, it's every bit as terrible as I remember its being!

Music…  Isn't that the main point of Radio 1?  Well, I thought so - but, there simply isn't enough of it!  I am only listening to the radio because I can't listen to my iPod - I want to hear songs, for heaven's sake!  There is far too much air-time spent on non-music activities, and that annoys me…

I don't want to hear the presenters' thoughts on the last track they played - I can make up my own mind!  I don't want to hear them playing childish word games and larking around in the studio - if that's what I wanted to listen to when I was in my car, I'd offer my teenage sister and her friends a lift to college!

And I certainly don't need to be subjected to the views of other "members of the public"…!

They'll play a track by, say, Lady GaGa…  Then at the end of the song, it'll be "and we've had a lot of texts coming in from you about that song…  Jacqui in Devon says she loves Lady GaGa - but Algernon from Clydemouth says he finds Lady GaGa nauseating…  And Juan - listening to us online, all the way from sunny Cadiz - is certain that it's actually pronounced 'Lardy GaGa' - thanks Juan!"

Yeah?  NOBODY CARES!!

So, Radio DJs - less talking, more music!  And that goes for all radio stations I've tried…  There are radio stations which don't play music, and which are dedicated to talking shows, and that's great…  But for a station like Radio 1, which presents itself first-and-foremost as a "music station" - "playing the best in new music" - the ratio needs to change dramatically!

Oh, and one more thing…  Is it just me, or do all the DJs on Radio 1 sound the same?  They all have the same voice!  I'm sure that the BBC just hires one male DJ and one female DJ, and then they have to be all the different "characters" presenting the different radio shows throughout the day…  (They can't get much sleep, either, I'm thinking!)

Sunday 23 January 2011

Politics and comedy - 10 O'Clock Live

Last night, I finally got around to watching a new programme on Channel 4, Ten O'Clock Live, which has been advertised quite a bit lately...  Channel 4's website describes it as a weekly, live comedy and current affairs show hosted by David Mitchell, Jimmy Carr, Charlie Brooker and Lauren Laverne - so I was looking forward to it...

Comedy and politics are two big interests of mine...  I love Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell, I like Jimmy Carr as well, and I'm fairly ambivalent about Lauren Laverne...  Naturally, I had high hopes for this show!

So, did it work?  Well, not as well as I'd hoped, I'm afraid to say...

Some parts were good - most particularly, Charlie Brooker's Newswipe-style break-downs of current affairs topics such as Sarah Palin...  However, I felt other parts of the programme didn't really come off...

In particular, the debate on bankers' bonuses was something of a flop, with very little content, and not enough time spent to do much more than gloss quickly over the main points of the issue...

Like other news and politics programmes, Ten O'Clock Live had brought in three interviewees to debate this issue, from contrasting perspectives - these three people were meant to bring their differing views to a round-table debate on "bonus culture" in modern banking, chaired by David Mitchell...  Although I am usually a big fan of Mitchell (as I've already mentioned) I didn't feel he did a good job chairing this debate, as the "host" of the show - I thought he was more concerned with playing to the crowd, as a comedian, than talking to the three guests as a political broadcaster...

The topic is a contentious one - and rightly so - and this means that a good, strong debate could be had...  Unfortunately, the public mood in this country at the moment is very anti-bank and anti-banker, and Mitchell decided it would be much easier to jump on that bandwagon, and cut across the guests as they tried to make their points with cheap jibes at the bankers than to let all sides of the argument be heard equally...  I felt this was a shame - it turned what could have been an interesting feature into an uninformative, populist banker-bashing farce...

Contrast this with Jimmy Carr's interview with an environmentalist academic with some unusual ideas about solving what are commonly referred to as "green" issues - Carr managed to be clever, entertaining and funny, without preventing the professor putting his points forward...

On the other hand, Carr's piece about the Tunisian unrest, in which he tried to sell Tunisia as a holiday destination, in a daytime TV-style pitch, felt strained, with many of the jokes seeming rather tired and predictable...

So, on the whole, a mixed reaction to the first broadcast of Ten O'Clock Live...  I think I probably will keep watching, over the next few weeks - but I will know, now that this a comedy and current affairs show with the emphasis very much on the comedy side, and I will know not to expect serious political commentary to take precedence over getting a few cheap laughs out of a typical studio audience...

Wednesday 19 January 2011

"Foibles" part one: banknotes

So, I figured people might be getting a little bored of reading my curmudgeonly musings on roadworks, and buses, and television advertising...  So, instead, I thought it might be fun to give a little insight into me, and how I live - through a short series of posts about the weird little quirks and foibles I seem to have...  (You might not think it's fun, of course - but if you don't, why not just go away?!)

Anyhow, this first post is going to be about how strangely obsessive I am, when it comes to storing money...

Obviously, coins just rattle around loose in one's pocket, or in the glove compartment of one's car, and there's very little anyone can do about that!  But when it comes to notes, I am very pernickity about how I put them away in my wallet...

Firstly, I cannot stand it when banknotes are creased and folded over at the corners...  Some older notes' corners are folded several times, but I hate putting them away like that, and always insist on unfolding and flattening every note, before putting it away - even if that means holding up a queue of people waiting to pay for something, while I'm unfolding the corners of my change!  (Yeah, sorry about that!)

Of course, different denominations of banknotes are different sizes - but when I put several notes of different values into my wallet, I have to line them all up by the bottom right-hand corner...  Like this -












And of course, it goes without saying they all have to be the same way up, and facing the same way, with the Queen facing backwards...  (I don't know why I always have the Queen facing backwards - it's nothing personal!  There's no logical reason, that's just the way I always do it...)

Anyway, that turned out to be duller than I thought, so tune it next time to read more boring stuff...

Tuesday 4 January 2011

"Lush" and other drugs

This is something that's been bothering me for a little while now, and I had to write about it, in the end!  Although I know they are very popular at the moment, and the founders even got honoured in the New Years Honours List, I simply cannot stand those Lush Cosmetics shops!

Why?  For two reasons - allow me to explain…

Firstly, the aroma…  The smell of these shops is quite nauseating - the combination of dozens of different varieties of bath bombs, bars of soap, novelty shower gels, and fizzy foam that makes your hair sparkle, oll available in a range of flavours and scents, in close proximity, creates a fug of unpalatable gasses liable to cause asphyxiation to anyone lingering too long near the open doorway…

This problem is particularly bad, it is worth noting, in my own hometown of Norwich…  In Norwich, we have a branch of Lush Cosmetics, and it's situated right opposite Norwich Market…  Time was, you could walk the length of Norwich Market, inhaling the beautiful scent of a rich variety of fish'n'chip stalls cooking glorious Two Star Chips all the way…  There is no greater aroma, I am sure you'll agree, than traditional British fish'n'chips cooking, lingering tantalisingly on a very slight breeze, tempting even those who have just finished eating to order a portion…  Now the wonderful smells of the chip stalls on the market are gone forever - masked by the overpowering pungency of the Lush Cosmetics shop opposite!

The second reason, though, is the kind of people that these places attract…  Without wishing to offend any of my readers who might patronise such establishments, the Lush Cosmetics shops do seem to be populated mainly (although, it is worth pointing out, not exclusively) by hordes of a particular breed of waif-like, beret-wearing, hippie-stroke-indie teenage girls who think they're too damn good to look at you!

So please, for goodness' sake, let's get rid of these terrible places, and replace them all with banks, or fish'n'chip shops, or strip clubs, as soon as possible!  (Or some crazy, wild combination, with a strip club inside a fish'n'chip shop, perhaps?  How would that work, exactly?  It's a genius idea, there's no denying - but probably a topic for another post…)