Chips, Fries, and God-in-Potato-Form

As somebody who eats a lot, it is my belief that there are three varieties of chips…  I write, now, about the difference between each kind, and my opinions of each…

Let me first of all say that this has nothing whatever to do with crisps - the thinly sliced, flavoured potato snack, usually sold in bags, that Americans would call "chips" - as they are a different animal entirely…  No, here we deal only with fried oblongs of potato, served hot - what Americans call "fries", and what normal people call "chips"…

My theory, therefore, goes as follows…

There are three types of chips - category one, category two, and category three…  (Imaginative names, eh?  Maybe, some day, I'll come with some better names for the categories…  I know - how about  a star-rating system?  Like Michelin stars for restaurants?  Yes, that'll work…!)

I believe the three categories can be defined in terms of a condiment - for example, ketchup - and its relationship to the chips…

So, One Star Chips, then…  These are chips which are almost unenjoyable without some kind of dressing…  A good example of One Star Chips would be any "French Fries" served at fast food outlets, kebab shops, burger stalls, greasy-spoons, truck-stop cafes, etc - typically thin, soggy, flavourless and uninspiring…  I find that it is actually quite difficult to eat chips from a kebab shop without some sort of sauce or dressing - tomato ketchup,  barbeque sauce, or even the ubiquitous "burger sauce" - to add interest to dish…  These, then, are One Star Chips…

Two Star Chips, though, are pretty "take it or leave it" when it comes to the ketchup…  These chips are the "average" chips of the snack world - not that there's anything wrong with that…  (They are infinitely nicer to eat than One Star Chips!)  Examples would be chips from a traditional British fish'n'chip shop, or the type served in pubs as a snack…  They're usually chunky, filling, and full of potatoness, and the fact that they are equally enjoyable with, or without, a sauce is what characterises them as Two Star Chips…

And now, we come to the aristocracy of the world of potato-based foods…  Three Star Chips - the greatest chips available to buy on this Earth!  Three Star Chips are, essentially, a gourmet version of Two Star Chips - they're typically available in a good restaurant, or particularly high-quality pub, and it's clear that these chips definitely have a master chef's touch...  But the thing that sets Three Star Chips apart is that they are so awesome, to add a sauce or, indeed, any condiments at all besides very light seasoning with high-quality sea-salt (particularly something as common, or vulgar as ketchup, or "burger sauce") would actually be to spoil the chips...  That's right, they are that good!  From my experience, the Lord Poulett Arms in Hinton-St-George, Somerset, serve excellent Three Star Chips - highly recommended!

So, there you have it...  Three categories of chips - defined by the relationship of the chips to popular condiments...  Brilliant, isn't it?