Meals on wheels

A little while ago, I posted this picture on Facebook, showing how a Sainsbury's "Taste The Difference" BLT sandwich fits perfectly in the CD holder of my Mondeo.

 

As this image included all of the manliest things in the world in one place (cars, bacon, and DIY) it garnered quite a lot of interest, and ended up with quite a few comments and "likes".  One of those comments asked me for advice on eating sandwiches in the car, and I am planning to give a few tips on this topic, based on my experiences of eating in the car, now.

Tip one.  Choose carefully:

Choose a filling which is conducive to being consumed in the car.  Remember that you will only be able to hold this sandwich with one hand, so it is important that your filling isn't just going to fall out as soon as you take it out of the packet.  Mayonnaise, or some similar condiment typical in sandwiches, is good, as it acts as an adhesive, to keep your filling where it ought to be.  (But too much will drip, and cause a terrible mess - so be careful when making your selection!)

Despite featuring in the picture that triggered this whole thing, tomatoes are not always a good choice, because the centres are wont to go everywhere, unless you catch the whole thing at once.

Any filling that comes in lots of little bits is not usually a good idea.  So, choose cheese slices over grated cheese, as it will be much easier to control with just one hand.


Tip two.  Eat inwards:

Most shop-bought (or petrol station-bought) sandwiches come in the form of large triangles.  Like this -

If you're holding the sandwich at the base (in this diagram, the top point) it's the corners where you're most vulnerable to losing filling.  So, you should get rid of them first, thus -

With the corners gone, eat from the top of the sandwich in towards the point at the base, where you are holding it.


Tip three.  Eat quickly:

Dawdling over your sandwich will not help.  Take large bites, and get rid of it quickly.  Don't fret too much about table manners - you're in the car.


I hope that has helped all you car-eaters out there!  If not, fire me your questions in the comments, and I'll see if I can help.

In a pickle, with salami

So, salami is meat, which you buy, in a packet, and it's ready to eat...  Or is it?

I recently went through some tribulations with a packet of salami - I'll tell you about it...

When you buy a packet of salami, the slices of meat are arranged in an overlapping pattern...  That's fine - the problem is, that the piece at the top, is at the bottom...  D'you see?  No?  OK, here's a picture...

Do you see how the overlapping salami slices seem to be the wrong way around?  The one which is at the top of the pile, is at the bottom of the packet...

So, what's the problem?  Essentially, you have to open the packet fully, just to get at the first slice...  You can't just peel the top down a couple of inches, because you only fancy a couple of pieces of salami, and don't want to open the packaging all the way...

Observe...

With the packet half-way open, you you can't get at the top slice of meat...  You have to take the bottom one, and try and slide it out from underneath all the others...

Of course, the packet of salami, half-open, ought to look like this...

Don't you see how much better that is...?

Yes, it is, isn't it?

So, I hope that all the people who sell salami in this convoluted way will read this, and do something about it!

Chips, Fries, and God-in-Potato-Form

As somebody who eats a lot, it is my belief that there are three varieties of chips…  I write, now, about the difference between each kind, and my opinions of each…

Let me first of all say that this has nothing whatever to do with crisps - the thinly sliced, flavoured potato snack, usually sold in bags, that Americans would call "chips" - as they are a different animal entirely…  No, here we deal only with fried oblongs of potato, served hot - what Americans call "fries", and what normal people call "chips"…

My theory, therefore, goes as follows…

There are three types of chips - category one, category two, and category three…  (Imaginative names, eh?  Maybe, some day, I'll come with some better names for the categories…  I know - how about  a star-rating system?  Like Michelin stars for restaurants?  Yes, that'll work…!)

I believe the three categories can be defined in terms of a condiment - for example, ketchup - and its relationship to the chips…

So, One Star Chips, then…  These are chips which are almost unenjoyable without some kind of dressing…  A good example of One Star Chips would be any "French Fries" served at fast food outlets, kebab shops, burger stalls, greasy-spoons, truck-stop cafes, etc - typically thin, soggy, flavourless and uninspiring…  I find that it is actually quite difficult to eat chips from a kebab shop without some sort of sauce or dressing - tomato ketchup,  barbeque sauce, or even the ubiquitous "burger sauce" - to add interest to dish…  These, then, are One Star Chips…

Two Star Chips, though, are pretty "take it or leave it" when it comes to the ketchup…  These chips are the "average" chips of the snack world - not that there's anything wrong with that…  (They are infinitely nicer to eat than One Star Chips!)  Examples would be chips from a traditional British fish'n'chip shop, or the type served in pubs as a snack…  They're usually chunky, filling, and full of potatoness, and the fact that they are equally enjoyable with, or without, a sauce is what characterises them as Two Star Chips…

And now, we come to the aristocracy of the world of potato-based foods…  Three Star Chips - the greatest chips available to buy on this Earth!  Three Star Chips are, essentially, a gourmet version of Two Star Chips - they're typically available in a good restaurant, or particularly high-quality pub, and it's clear that these chips definitely have a master chef's touch...  But the thing that sets Three Star Chips apart is that they are so awesome, to add a sauce or, indeed, any condiments at all besides very light seasoning with high-quality sea-salt (particularly something as common, or vulgar as ketchup, or "burger sauce") would actually be to spoil the chips...  That's right, they are that good!  From my experience, the Lord Poulett Arms in Hinton-St-George, Somerset, serve excellent Three Star Chips - highly recommended!

So, there you have it...  Three categories of chips - defined by the relationship of the chips to popular condiments...  Brilliant, isn't it?

Regular Meals

For some time now, I've had a theory about the way people eat... The standard way to organise one's daily food intake is in three meals a day - breakfast in the morning, lunch at midday, and then an evening meal... But this leaves a gap - all through the night, your body is getting none of its essential nutrients!

It seems that "normal" people will eat three meals over a (roughly) twelve-hour period, and then eat nothing for the next twelve hours... Now, to me, this looks a bit unbalanced!

There are twenty-four hours in a day, of course - so, if one is going to eat three meals each day, they ought really to be spread even across those twenty-four hours, to ensure regular sustenance... That would result in one meal every eight hours... If one plans to eat every six hours, one should eat four meals in a day... And if one eats meals every four hours, those meals should number no fewer than six! This, of course, maintains the regularity of nutritional intake...

Naturally, the portion sizes are tailored to suit how often one is eating - whether it be two large meals each day, one every twelve hours, or twelve smaller snack-like meals each day, spread two hours apart... But the most important thing is that it be even and regular...

I am the architect of a healthier, happier society... No need to thank me!

Ed Baines

Ed Baines, get off the TV, until you've learned to talk properly... Your Philadelphia advert should be suspended until you've been taught the correct pronunciation of "tagliatelle"...! I'm surprised you don't enunciate each "p" in "Philadelphia" too!!