Eighteen awesomely quirky ways to show someone you love them this Valentine’s Day

Dinner and a movie?  Yawn.  A dozen red roses?  Snore.  Scented candles?  Oldest trick in the book.  These days, if you want to impress that special person in your life, you have to pull out all the stops and do something different.  Dating is hard, and it’s becoming more and more difficult to stand out from the crowd when it comes to making your feelings known.  My handy list of eighteen awesomely quirky ways to show someone you love them this Valentine’s Day should give you some ideas.

1. Breakfast in the shower.
   Everyone serves breakfast in bed – surprise her with a plate of her favourite breakfast while she relaxes in the shower instead (toast not recommended).
2. Hire a skywriter.
   Write her name across the skies in ten-foot-high letters of coloured smoke, for the ultimate grand gesture.  Or, better yet, her National Insurance Number – if you know that, that proves you really know her well.
3. Valentines cards are so cliché!
   Instead, carve ‘I Love You!’ into the side of a courgette.
4. Remember, love rewards originality.
   When you pick her up for your date in the evening, don’t go in the car – turn up on a Segway.
5. Make journeys mean something!
   If you do take the car, reprogramming her SatNav so the names of all the towns are your name will remind her of how your love is everywhere.
6. Get her a gift she’d never think to get herself…
   …something no one else has got – like her very own, working printing press.
7. Subvert expectations.
   Everyone buys flowers.  Turn an old Valentine’s Day classic on its head by getting her wholemeal flour instead.
8. Learn Flemish.
   Foreign languages are sexy.  Conduct the whole evening in Flemish.  She’ll be putty in your hands.
9. Discover her an element.
   Give her something totally unique – a new element on the periodic table, named after her.
10. Make her mayor of Walsall.
    Power is sexy.  Especially local government power in a borough in the West Midlands.
11. Make yourself taller.
    Everyone wishes their partner were taller.  Yes, everyone.  This Valentine’s Day, why not make that wish come true?
12. Plan your future together.
    Show her you’re in it for the long haul.  Hire actors who look like the two of you to enact scenes from your future together – your wedding; your children’s graduations; you crying at her funeral following her tragic and unexpected death while engaged in a top-secret government mission off the coast of Norway.
13. Make memories that will last forever.
    What does everyone want to hang in their living room?  A framed selfie with Stoke City and England right-back Glen Johnson.  His agents are Stellar Football Ltd.
14. Build her a treehouse.
    Tell her she is in charge of who is or isn’t allowed in.
15. Do the gardening.
    Remember, it’s a short step from ‘weeding’ to ‘wedding’.
16. Stare into the eyes of Persephone, Queen of The Underworld.
    Prove your bravery by meeting the baleful, unflinching gaze of the Greek goddess who carries into effect the curses of men upon the souls of the dead.
17. Turn her flat into the ultimate playground.
    Install a roundabout in her kitchen and replace her sofa with a see-saw.  Everyone loves their partner to show their fun side every once-in-a-while.
18. Clone her.
    What better way to say “I can’t get enough of you”…?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

A quick tip for young drivers

Removing the manufacturer's standard branding and insignia from the rear of your minuscule hatchback (Peugot 106, or similar) does not make it in any way a cooler, or sportier, car.

Always remember that.

Meals on wheels

A little while ago, I posted this picture on Facebook, showing how a Sainsbury's "Taste The Difference" BLT sandwich fits perfectly in the CD holder of my Mondeo.

 

As this image included all of the manliest things in the world in one place (cars, bacon, and DIY) it garnered quite a lot of interest, and ended up with quite a few comments and "likes".  One of those comments asked me for advice on eating sandwiches in the car, and I am planning to give a few tips on this topic, based on my experiences of eating in the car, now.

Tip one.  Choose carefully:

Choose a filling which is conducive to being consumed in the car.  Remember that you will only be able to hold this sandwich with one hand, so it is important that your filling isn't just going to fall out as soon as you take it out of the packet.  Mayonnaise, or some similar condiment typical in sandwiches, is good, as it acts as an adhesive, to keep your filling where it ought to be.  (But too much will drip, and cause a terrible mess - so be careful when making your selection!)

Despite featuring in the picture that triggered this whole thing, tomatoes are not always a good choice, because the centres are wont to go everywhere, unless you catch the whole thing at once.

Any filling that comes in lots of little bits is not usually a good idea.  So, choose cheese slices over grated cheese, as it will be much easier to control with just one hand.


Tip two.  Eat inwards:

Most shop-bought (or petrol station-bought) sandwiches come in the form of large triangles.  Like this -

If you're holding the sandwich at the base (in this diagram, the top point) it's the corners where you're most vulnerable to losing filling.  So, you should get rid of them first, thus -

With the corners gone, eat from the top of the sandwich in towards the point at the base, where you are holding it.


Tip three.  Eat quickly:

Dawdling over your sandwich will not help.  Take large bites, and get rid of it quickly.  Don't fret too much about table manners - you're in the car.


I hope that has helped all you car-eaters out there!  If not, fire me your questions in the comments, and I'll see if I can help.