- Breakfast in the shower.
Everyone serves breakfast in bed – surprise her with a plate of her favourite breakfast while she relaxes in the shower instead (toast not recommended).
- Hire a skywriter.
Write her name across the skies in ten-foot-high letters of coloured smoke, for the ultimate grand gesture. Or, better yet, her National Insurance Number – if you know that, that proves you really know her well.
- Valentines cards are so cliché!
Instead, carve ‘I Love You!’ into the side of a courgette.
- Remember, love rewards originality.
When you pick her up for your date in the evening, don’t go in the car – turn up on a Segway.
- Make journeys mean something!
If you do take the car, reprogramming her SatNav so the names of all the towns are your name will remind her of how your love is everywhere.
- Get her a gift she’d never think to get herself…
…something no one else has got – like her very own, working printing press.
- Subvert expectations.
Everyone buys flowers. Turn an old Valentine’s Day classic on its head by getting her wholemeal flour instead.
- Learn Flemish.
Foreign languages are sexy. Conduct the whole evening in Flemish. She’ll be putty in your hands.
- Discover her an element.
Give her something totally unique – a new element on the periodic table, named after her.
- Make her mayor of Walsall.
Power is sexy. Especially local government power in a borough in the West Midlands.
- Make yourself taller.
Everyone wishes their partner were taller. Yes, everyone. This Valentine’s Day, why not make that wish come true?
- Plan your future together.
Show her you’re in it for the long haul. Hire actors who look like the two of you to enact scenes from your future together – your wedding; your children’s graduations; you crying at her funeral following her tragic and unexpected death while engaged in a top-secret government mission off the coast of Norway.
- Make memories that will last forever.
What does everyone want to hang in their living room? A framed selfie with Stoke City and England right-back Glen Johnson. His agents are Stellar Football Ltd.
- Build her a treehouse.
Tell her she is in charge of who is or isn’t allowed in.
- Do the gardening.
Remember, it’s a short step from ‘weeding’ to ‘wedding’.
- Stare into the eyes of Persephone, Queen of The Underworld.
Prove your bravery by meeting the baleful, unflinching gaze of the Greek goddess who carries into effect the curses of men upon the souls of the dead.
- Turn her flat into the ultimate playground.
Install a roundabout in her kitchen and replace her sofa with a see-saw. Everyone loves their partner to show their fun side every once-in-a-while.
- Clone her.
What better way to say “I can’t get enough of you”…?
Happy Valentine’s Day!