Today, at ten o'clock PDT (five o'clock this afternoon), Apple will host a 'Keynote' event on their website. I suppose I ought to be excited – after all, I use Apple products, and I love them. Instead, I feel an impending sense of doom.
Ever since Apple killed off the iPod Classic (the only real iPod) in 2014, I have suspected that Apple CEO Tim Cook treats these events as some sort of social experiment, to see just how much Apple can inconvenience and irritate their consumers before they abandon the tech giant altogether and switch to another brand. So, instead of launching exciting, innovative, cool new products – like they used to – Apple now focus on making people's lives harder by (for example) changing the shape of the chargers for their laptops and phones, so you constantly have to buy new ones, and it's harder to lend one to your friends.
The latest rumours about the next iPhone suggest that Apple will ditch the standard 3.5mm headphone socket, meaning everybody in the world will have to buy a new set of headphones in a non-standard size – because obviously, that's what consumers really want. (Not.) Y'know, the same way everyone was crying out for a computer which couldn't play DVDs.
So, what pointless and inconvenient change will Apple foist on us in their event later today? Maybe they're going to launch a computer without a screen – and announce that they are ceasing support for screens within twelve months, and that soon no computers will have screens…
The Apple Watch will no longer have an actual strap, you'll just have to balance it on your wrist and keep very still; but at least it will now come with a set of Apple Cufflinks (for £179 extra), which will be WiFi enabled, for some reason…
And the new iOS for iPhone and iPad will change the direction you 'swipe' across the screen to unlock your device from left-to-right, to right-to-left. Just because.
And we'll still all just nod along with it all, and queue up at their weird shiny stores to buy the stupid things.