A look back at 2013

As we approach the arbitrary line-in-the-sand which marks the end of 2013, the beginning of 2014, and the deafening placebo effect of hundreds of shallow individuals convincing themselves they're "turning over a new leaf", many people take time out to reflect on some of the key moments over the previous twelve months and wonder what on earth they are doing with their lives.

Hating to be the exception to any rule, here is a quick summary of my most significant moments from the past year...

• I have been to five different continents - mostly on fact-finding missions, but once just to see if I'd be able to get back.

• I broke the sound barrier using just the power of my mind.

• I've been married twice (but, curiously, divorced three times).

• I won the Turner Prize for my mixed-media piece 'Evaporated Weltschmerz', which is now on display in Latvia's biggest and most well-ventilated art gallery.

• I invented a new pizza topping, which goes on the bottom.

• I built a fully habitable igloo out of only what you can buy in the 'Reduced' aisle in Waitrose, and lived there for two months (during which time I paid no Council Tax, but my heating bills went through the roof).

• I discovered a new species of wasp and a new species of ant - and have since cross-bred them to form a new species of want.

• I bought a new shirt, but so far haven't worn it out anywhere.

Here's hoping that 2014 proves considerably less eventful...!