A look back at 2014

Today is the last day of 2014, while tomorrow will be a 2015.  Nothing will change, of course, as we cross that imaginary line in the sand, as the calendar is simply an arbitrary construct, as are all ways of organising time.  Nevertheless, it customary at this time of year to look back over the past twelve months and reflect on the good times, and what one has achieved, with an air of smug self-satisfaction, and I would hate to be the only person on the internet not joining in with this self-congratulatory tradition.

• I left the radiators on all year 'round, because I wanted to see what it would be like to live in the Seychelles (where they worship radiators as demigods).
• I briefly spoke on the phone with the Pope but we got cut off when he lost signal.
• I won three rounds of 'Uno' in a row.
• I invented a new way of peeling vegetables which extracts the inner part of the vegetable through a tube rather than scraping off the outer layers in the old and inefficient method.
• My friends all chipped in to buy me shares in the World's Largest Cucumber.
• I rowed from Britain to Ireland across the Irish Sea in a boat made entirely from elastic bands.
• I ate over 19,000 chips.

Another successful year!  Thanks for being a part of it – and here's to 2015.

A look back at 2013

As we approach the arbitrary line-in-the-sand which marks the end of 2013, the beginning of 2014, and the deafening placebo effect of hundreds of shallow individuals convincing themselves they're "turning over a new leaf", many people take time out to reflect on some of the key moments over the previous twelve months and wonder what on earth they are doing with their lives.

Hating to be the exception to any rule, here is a quick summary of my most significant moments from the past year...

• I have been to five different continents - mostly on fact-finding missions, but once just to see if I'd be able to get back.

• I broke the sound barrier using just the power of my mind.

• I've been married twice (but, curiously, divorced three times).

• I won the Turner Prize for my mixed-media piece 'Evaporated Weltschmerz', which is now on display in Latvia's biggest and most well-ventilated art gallery.

• I invented a new pizza topping, which goes on the bottom.

• I built a fully habitable igloo out of only what you can buy in the 'Reduced' aisle in Waitrose, and lived there for two months (during which time I paid no Council Tax, but my heating bills went through the roof).

• I discovered a new species of wasp and a new species of ant - and have since cross-bred them to form a new species of want.

• I bought a new shirt, but so far haven't worn it out anywhere.

Here's hoping that 2014 proves considerably less eventful...!

Art Bus

Christmas leftovers recipes

Need to find ways to use up all your unwanted, outmoded Christmas food? Here are a few ideas and suggestions to help out...

I would like to make it clear, in the third line down, that "a quarter of a pint of gun" is a typing error - this is, of course, meant to say "a quarter of a pint of gin". Unfortunately, these are made up of Tweets from over a year ago, meaning it is not possible to edit the text now.

Pre-nonsense

What is this phrase "pre-order", which has become so common just recently?

The phrase is being used when encouraging consumers to place an order for a product which hasn't yet been released, so as to guarantee their copy when the product does come out.  Here is an example from EA Sports, advertising their next football game, Fifa 13:

The trouble is, it's utter rubbish - the phrase doesn't actually mean anything!

The prefix "pre-" refers to something being done in advance (for example, "premediated", "predetermined" or "preconceived") but one can only ever order a product in advance of receiving it, making the "pre-" completely superfluous.

We see the same thing with nonsensical expressions like "pre-planned".  According to YourDictionary.com:

"Pre-planned means you gave an event or project thought ahead of time."

That's exactly what the word "planned" means.

How is "pre-planning" something any different from just planning it?  How is "pre-ordering" Fifa 13 any different from simply ordering it?  It isn't; there's no difference.  The "pre-" is unnecessary.  STOP ADDING IT IN WHERE IT'S NOT NEEDED.

How to putt a parrot

Actually, I know very little about putting parrots, never having done it myself - I just thought it would be a nice way to follow on from the "how to cut a carrot" post...

So, yeah, there isn't much to say in this topic...  So, instead, I'll give you a poorly-Photoshopped picture of what I imagine putting a parrot might look like...

And so, that concludes this nonsense...