Art Bus

Bad television

I am going to expand on some ideas I had on my Twitter recently, about bad television...

It was as I sat, watching daytime TV, before going out to a gig, one day...  I saw trailers for programmes which seemed so bad, I couldn't believe anyone would really want to watch them!

But then I thought - with so many television channels, these days, surely almost all ideas for television series will, eventually, get commissioned...?  How bad would an idea for a new TV show have to be, for one of these "new channels" to turn it down?!

Is the modern plethora of TV channels spoiling the "art" of television?  Are the days of quality programming slipping away from us?  It certainly seems, more and more, that good television - informative and challenging documentaries, gripping dramas with well-written exciting plots and well-written scripts, high-quality sports coverage, and laugh-out-loud comedy shows - is being usurped by the televisual equivalent of the tabloid press, and those repuslive "real life!" magazines about children with two noses who get bullied at school...

So I started coming up with a few of my own ideas for bad television, which might well end up being shown in the middle of the day on some trashy TV channel called "Really" or "Watch" or "Dave" or "BBC3" or whatever...

So, what do you think...  Would you watch any of these?

- Celebrities Eating Rice
A brand new celebrity show!
Each week, three understandably minor celebrities see who can eat the most rice...  Their bowls are refilled each time they finish their rice, until they can eat no more!  The celebrity who has consumed the most bowls of rice is deemed the winner, and wins a meal for two in a Thai restaurant, and three month's free membership to Bannatyne's Health and Fitness Club...  (The programme makers guarantee that you will only have heard of one out of the three celebrities featured each week!)
Hosted by a terrifying genetic fusion of Graham Norton and Bruce Forsyth

- Feet, LIVE!
An observational scientific documentary - cameras installed at ground-level on Oxford Street in London show a live feed of the feet of passers-by...
Live commentary on the feet by Murray Walker

- Ross Kemp - in a Mini
Every week, Ross tries to see how many of a certain item he can fit into an old-school British Mini Cooper motor car...  Each programme starts with a camera close-up on Ross' face, and the phrase "hi, I'm Ross Kemp, and tonight, I'm going to see how many *things* I can fit into this Mini!"  The schedule for the "things" as a follows -
Week One - poppadums
Week Two - goose eggs
Week Three - second-edition copies of "Lady Chatterley's Lover", by D.H. Lawrence
Week Four - six-week-old Burmese kittens
Week Five - paper dinner plates
Week Six - Seiko radio/alarm clocks
Week Seven - Volvic natural mineral water (750ml bottles, with sports caps)
Week Eight - Liberal Democrat activists

- Survival
Twelve random members of the public are kept under constant surveillance, until one of them dies...  They could all be involved in freak accidents mere weeks after filming starts, meaning the programme will be over very quickly - then again, the series could last upwards of fifty years, if any of the "life-mates" live on until they die of natural causes...
Presented by Davina McCall, and whichever one of Ant and Dec can win a thumb war

- Yeastenders
Gritty, real-life drama about life in a busy London bakery...
Starring Natalie Cassidy, and that knob from "Skins" with the tattoos


So, what do you reckon?  Any of those good enough actually to be made into real television shows?

Ps -
If any television executives or channel bosses are reading this, you should know that I watch a lot of TV, and if I see any of these shows actually being broadcast, I will sue you!  However, if you wish to contact me about buying the rights to any of these ideas, I certainly shall be open to offers...!

When I am the Minister for Transport (part one)

Many town or city centres, these days, are open only to buses, and bicycles...  Now, as everyone knows, buses and bicycles are the two most irritating vehicles on the roads in this country...

So, when I am Minister for Transport, buses and bicycles will be banned from built-up areas - for the sanity of all...

"Park & Ride" schemes will be turned upside-down - a bus will take you from your house, to a carpark on the outskirts of the city, and then you will get into a car, and drive into the city centre to do your shopping, or go to the bank, or whatever...

Brilliant, eh?

Great Idea 1

There should be a tax on sex... We could call it SID - Sexual Intercourse Duty...

Just as income tax is paid by those who earn a lot of money in order that the state might provide essential services to those who can't afford to buy them privately, people who get a lot of sex should pay more SID so that the state can provide free prostitutes for ugly folk...

Good, eh?