As the weather gets warmer, and the days get longer, something I have noticed is that, while walking around, driving to work, shopping, eating out, generally going about your daily business as normal, you see more pretty girls in the summer...
Why is this? Well, I have two possible theories...
Firstly - pretty girls are migratory... They spend all winter in sunnier climes, in the southern hemisphere, like many of the birds native to Britain... Then, as spring inches forward, they make the long and arduous journey home to the UK, again, across miles and miles of angry seas and strange continents, to arrive back here in time for summer, to continue their lives... Before journeying south once more, just a few months later, as autumn draws to a close... One day, Sir David Attenborough will present a series of documentaries covering this very subject...
The other possibility, of course, is that they are the same girls as you see in the winter, but they appear more attractive, thanks to better lighting in the warmer, sunnier months of the year... (The "heat haze" which is so common on a warm summer's day may also help to hide any imperfections - particularly if viewed from a distance!) That a person, when viewed under the soft, flattering, natural light of summer will seem more attractive than the same person lit by the harsh, artificial lighting favoured during the dark winter months, seems, to me, not entirely improbable...
I have not yet made up my mind which of these theories is the most likely... Which do you think it is?
Monday, 31 May 2010
Thursday, 27 May 2010
An open letter to the makers of all American TV shows
Dear Makers of All American TV Shows,
The traditional word for a group of episodes of the same programme is "series".
"Seasons" are what happen to the weather.
Sincerely,
Kit Marsden (some bloke)
The traditional word for a group of episodes of the same programme is "series".
"Seasons" are what happen to the weather.
Sincerely,
Kit Marsden (some bloke)
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Electioneering (part two)
Right... The election is over - has been for a while, now, in fact... I'm fully recovered from my thirty-six hour stint of continuous wakefulness, David Dimbleby has been allowed to rest, and Jeremy Paxman has been powered down, and put back on charge...
So, why another election blog? Well, partly because I couldn't possibly justify calling my previous election blog "part one", without following it up with at least one more part... But mainly because, frightening though the thought may be, I do actually have more to say on the matter... So, here goes!
I would like all the crotchety, embittered left-wing activists, neo-activists and crypto-activists who inhabit social media websites like Twitter, and what seems to be known as "the Blogosphere", to shut up, stop whining, and go back to work... Yeah, sure they're entitled to write whatever they like - but dear God, they're annoying!
One of the main things which I find so irritating about these people, is the refusal to accept that they lost... The internet has been awash with comments like "David Cameron is not MY Prime Minister!" Well, I'm sorry, but actually, he is! You may not like it, but it is the truth...
I have to admit to having been less than enamoured with the Labour Administration of the past thirteen years - but I didn't actually deny that they were in Government, that Tony Blair (and, later, Gordon Brown) was the Prime Minister... You have every right to be disgruntled - but denying simple, self-evident truths is surely one of the least effective, worst, and most irritating ways to deal with your disgruntlement!
The simple fact is - Labour lost the election! I'm well aware, as is everyone else, that nobody won - but Labour certainly lost! Part of living in a democracy is accepting that your party won't always win, so to all the bitter Labour supporting who are still moaning about the outcome of the election, I would like to say this - "you lost, deal with it!"
The second thing I should like to talk about is the whole Liberal Democrat business... What I shall call The Curious Incident Of The Clegg In The Night-Time... Why? I'm not sure, to be honest...
But let's look at this Curious Incident, shall we? In my opinion, surely this has to be one of the greatest opportunities for Liberal Democrat for nearly a Century... When was the last time there were Liberals in the Cabinet? 1922? Wow!
So, why the anger? Why are some Liberal Democrat supporters accusing their party leader, Nick Clegg, of being "a sell out"...? Surely, if even one Liberal Democrat policy actually gets implemented, as a result of the new Liberal/Conservative coalition, it has been worth it? One Lib Dem policy is better than none, isn't it? Apparently not, in the eyes of some activists - and when I say "activists", I mean "narrow-minded, stubborn, fools"...!
Comments like "people voted Lib Dem to keep the Tories out!" have really annoyed me... People didn't vote Lib Dem to keep the Tories out, they voted Lib Dem to get the Lib Dems in... And, remarkably, that's what they got! Against all odds, and despite winning fewer seats than they did in 2005, there are now Liberal Democrats ministers in the Cabinet... Isn't that exactly what people were hoping for, when they marked a cross in that box next to the Liberal Democrat Candidate, on the 6th of May?
So there y'go... My message today, is, things really aren't that bad... Stop being such over-dramatic, whiny lefties, and start getting used to life in opposition... All political parties spend some time in office, and the rest of the time in opposition - Labour are no different... If you're a Labour supporter - you had thirteen years of your lot in power... Now, the public decided to give that power to somebody else... Want to complain? Well, I'm sorry - that's democracy for you!
* big grin *
So, why another election blog? Well, partly because I couldn't possibly justify calling my previous election blog "part one", without following it up with at least one more part... But mainly because, frightening though the thought may be, I do actually have more to say on the matter... So, here goes!
I would like all the crotchety, embittered left-wing activists, neo-activists and crypto-activists who inhabit social media websites like Twitter, and what seems to be known as "the Blogosphere", to shut up, stop whining, and go back to work... Yeah, sure they're entitled to write whatever they like - but dear God, they're annoying!
One of the main things which I find so irritating about these people, is the refusal to accept that they lost... The internet has been awash with comments like "David Cameron is not MY Prime Minister!" Well, I'm sorry, but actually, he is! You may not like it, but it is the truth...
I have to admit to having been less than enamoured with the Labour Administration of the past thirteen years - but I didn't actually deny that they were in Government, that Tony Blair (and, later, Gordon Brown) was the Prime Minister... You have every right to be disgruntled - but denying simple, self-evident truths is surely one of the least effective, worst, and most irritating ways to deal with your disgruntlement!
The simple fact is - Labour lost the election! I'm well aware, as is everyone else, that nobody won - but Labour certainly lost! Part of living in a democracy is accepting that your party won't always win, so to all the bitter Labour supporting who are still moaning about the outcome of the election, I would like to say this - "you lost, deal with it!"
The second thing I should like to talk about is the whole Liberal Democrat business... What I shall call The Curious Incident Of The Clegg In The Night-Time... Why? I'm not sure, to be honest...
But let's look at this Curious Incident, shall we? In my opinion, surely this has to be one of the greatest opportunities for Liberal Democrat for nearly a Century... When was the last time there were Liberals in the Cabinet? 1922? Wow!
So, why the anger? Why are some Liberal Democrat supporters accusing their party leader, Nick Clegg, of being "a sell out"...? Surely, if even one Liberal Democrat policy actually gets implemented, as a result of the new Liberal/Conservative coalition, it has been worth it? One Lib Dem policy is better than none, isn't it? Apparently not, in the eyes of some activists - and when I say "activists", I mean "narrow-minded, stubborn, fools"...!
Comments like "people voted Lib Dem to keep the Tories out!" have really annoyed me... People didn't vote Lib Dem to keep the Tories out, they voted Lib Dem to get the Lib Dems in... And, remarkably, that's what they got! Against all odds, and despite winning fewer seats than they did in 2005, there are now Liberal Democrats ministers in the Cabinet... Isn't that exactly what people were hoping for, when they marked a cross in that box next to the Liberal Democrat Candidate, on the 6th of May?
So there y'go... My message today, is, things really aren't that bad... Stop being such over-dramatic, whiny lefties, and start getting used to life in opposition... All political parties spend some time in office, and the rest of the time in opposition - Labour are no different... If you're a Labour supporter - you had thirteen years of your lot in power... Now, the public decided to give that power to somebody else... Want to complain? Well, I'm sorry - that's democracy for you!
* big grin *
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Electioneering (part one)
OK, I'm gonna go ahead and open with a disclaimer, here...
I'm sure that many people are already blogging away on the topic of the General Election - and most of them will be more intelligent, more informed, and more eloquent than I... (Maybe some of them have even beaten me to the Radiohead joke!) These are not meant to be heavyweight political blogs - of course, I have serious points to make, and I have real opinions to put forward - but please try not to get all hot under the collar if I say something you disagree with... Proportional Representation is silly... Why? I don't have to give a reason - I'm a blogger, not a politician!
So, my first thoughts on this 2010 Election Campaign are as follows...
Oh my God, people! Stop it with the Clegg already!!
Nick Clegg is a nice guy... I know - I've met him... He's also a good public speaker, and, to the best of my knowledge, an honest politician, doing what he believes is right... This sudden Lib Dem fever, on the other hand, is totally mad...
I should say, that I'm not at all taking a pop at actual Liberal Democrat activists... I know people who've been Lib Dem supporters for years - good for them! (They're nuts, of course - but good for them!)
What I'm talking about, is this... Observe the following Facebook group -
We got Rage Against the Machine to #1, we can get the Lib Dems into office!
Fairly popular, isn't it? Over 130,000 members, right? But it's ridiculous...
Firstly, who is this "we"? I certainly didn't get Rage Against the Machine to #1 - and I shan't be getting the Lib Dems into office... Stop trying include me in your crazy populist movements!
But a far more important issue is the way this seems to put the General Election on a level with the Christmas Number One...
The scheme to get "Killing In The Name" to the Number One spot in time for Christmas was essentially so that we, the great, record-buying public, could thumb our collective noses at Simon Cowell, and all that he stands for in the pop music world... And that's all very well, if that how people want to spend their time and money...
But, by all means, screw with the music charts if you like - nothing really terrible will happen... But doing the same with a General Election, where the future of our country is at stake, is madness!
Please - consider the policies of the party you plan to vote for...
The Lib Dems say they plan to raise the Personal Tax Allowance... Like that idea? Perhaps you should vote for them! Don't like that idea? Don't vote for them!
Is it really worth burdening the nation with a party you may not actually like, for the sake of a gesture?
I'm sure that many people are already blogging away on the topic of the General Election - and most of them will be more intelligent, more informed, and more eloquent than I... (Maybe some of them have even beaten me to the Radiohead joke!) These are not meant to be heavyweight political blogs - of course, I have serious points to make, and I have real opinions to put forward - but please try not to get all hot under the collar if I say something you disagree with... Proportional Representation is silly... Why? I don't have to give a reason - I'm a blogger, not a politician!
So, my first thoughts on this 2010 Election Campaign are as follows...
Oh my God, people! Stop it with the Clegg already!!
Nick Clegg is a nice guy... I know - I've met him... He's also a good public speaker, and, to the best of my knowledge, an honest politician, doing what he believes is right... This sudden Lib Dem fever, on the other hand, is totally mad...
I should say, that I'm not at all taking a pop at actual Liberal Democrat activists... I know people who've been Lib Dem supporters for years - good for them! (They're nuts, of course - but good for them!)
What I'm talking about, is this... Observe the following Facebook group -
We got Rage Against the Machine to #1, we can get the Lib Dems into office!
Fairly popular, isn't it? Over 130,000 members, right? But it's ridiculous...
Firstly, who is this "we"? I certainly didn't get Rage Against the Machine to #1 - and I shan't be getting the Lib Dems into office... Stop trying include me in your crazy populist movements!
But a far more important issue is the way this seems to put the General Election on a level with the Christmas Number One...
The scheme to get "Killing In The Name" to the Number One spot in time for Christmas was essentially so that we, the great, record-buying public, could thumb our collective noses at Simon Cowell, and all that he stands for in the pop music world... And that's all very well, if that how people want to spend their time and money...
But, by all means, screw with the music charts if you like - nothing really terrible will happen... But doing the same with a General Election, where the future of our country is at stake, is madness!
Please - consider the policies of the party you plan to vote for...
The Lib Dems say they plan to raise the Personal Tax Allowance... Like that idea? Perhaps you should vote for them! Don't like that idea? Don't vote for them!
Is it really worth burdening the nation with a party you may not actually like, for the sake of a gesture?
Monday, 5 April 2010
Tellyrant the Third
Am I getting older and grumpier? Or are adverts on TV getting rubbisher and rubbisher?
To be honest, I suspect a healthy dollop of both... So I'm going to talk about a something which has been particularly proficient in the caprine attainment area recently...
Babies... Is there anything creepier? OK, babies, at any times, are slightly unsettling - but in some adverts, it's grudgingly acceptable to use babies... Adverts for nappies, particularly, have a certain claim to legitimate use of babies... But the Pizza Hut advert where the baby comes downstairs on its own and shouts at its parents? Yes, that is the stuff nightmares are made of...!
It's the same story with that Evian Mineral Water advert, with the babies who are on roller-skates, or skateboards, or something... Generally, it's babies acting like adults - or at least older kids... And that's supposed to make me buy bottled water?? How?!
Please, all companies - whatever you make, whatever you sell - take note... Talking babies do not a good advert make!!
Some adverts use older children - it's not so scary when they talk, of course, because most children can actually talk, in real life... But why do they always pick children with the most irritating voices? I remember being a reasonably articulate child - and I remember hanging out with other reasonably articulate children... So how come these companies, and advertising agencies, pick the kids with the most child-like, "I only learnt to talk half an hour ago" voices? It's actually quite painful to watch, and, indeed, to hear...
On a more positive note, there is one advert I've seen a few times recently which I think is fantastic... (Obviously, I rarely, if ever, think an advert is any good at all, so this is quite exciting!) It is the latest offering from opticians Specsavers - the one which cleverly makes you think it's going to be advert for Lynx deodorant sprays, right up until the last scene... Here it is -
Sunday, 28 March 2010
Clocks
Tonight, or so I'm told, the clocks "go forward"... We enter that magical land of "Daylight Saving Time" (y'know it used to be called "British Summer Time" - but that's not European enough) and somehow, that's good... Let's all do the Daylight Saving Dance and be happy!
Unfortunately, there's one drawback to the whole scheme... It's this business of "losing an hour" - by putting the clocks forward by an hour, we skip out a whole hour from the day... A twenty-three hour day - imagine that!
But already people are complaining about "losing an hour of sleep"... It's understandable, really, isn't it?
So, here is what I propose...
Yeah, we have to lose the hour from the day, but do we have to lose it from our sleep time? Why not take the hour out of working hours, and have the same amount of time in bed?
The day of the change, all businesses should open one hour later than they usually do, but close at the same time...
So, the clocks go forward... Normally, you have to be at work for 9am - today, you have to be at work for 10am... But you still leave your job at 5pm... The system still works - we just have one fewer hour of working, rather than one fewer hour in bed...! How good is that?!
Of course most of you will have noticed that this year, the clocks are going forward on a Sunday... Some people work on Sundays, don't they? So my idea can still benefit them... But for anyone who has weekends off, who works part-time, who is a student, still at school, unemployed, self-employed, retired, or still in the womb - just get up an hour later, and stop moaning about it!
Unfortunately, there's one drawback to the whole scheme... It's this business of "losing an hour" - by putting the clocks forward by an hour, we skip out a whole hour from the day... A twenty-three hour day - imagine that!
But already people are complaining about "losing an hour of sleep"... It's understandable, really, isn't it?
So, here is what I propose...
Yeah, we have to lose the hour from the day, but do we have to lose it from our sleep time? Why not take the hour out of working hours, and have the same amount of time in bed?
The day of the change, all businesses should open one hour later than they usually do, but close at the same time...
So, the clocks go forward... Normally, you have to be at work for 9am - today, you have to be at work for 10am... But you still leave your job at 5pm... The system still works - we just have one fewer hour of working, rather than one fewer hour in bed...! How good is that?!
Of course most of you will have noticed that this year, the clocks are going forward on a Sunday... Some people work on Sundays, don't they? So my idea can still benefit them... But for anyone who has weekends off, who works part-time, who is a student, still at school, unemployed, self-employed, retired, or still in the womb - just get up an hour later, and stop moaning about it!
Friday, 26 March 2010
Chips, Fries, and God-in-Potato-Form
As somebody who eats a lot, it is my belief that there are three varieties of chips… I write, now, about the difference between each kind, and my opinions of each…
Let me first of all say that this has nothing whatever to do with crisps - the thinly sliced, flavoured potato snack, usually sold in bags, that Americans would call "chips" - as they are a different animal entirely… No, here we deal only with fried oblongs of potato, served hot - what Americans call "fries", and what normal people call "chips"…
My theory, therefore, goes as follows…
There are three types of chips - category one, category two, and category three… (Imaginative names, eh? Maybe, some day, I'll come with some better names for the categories… I know - how about a star-rating system? Like Michelin stars for restaurants? Yes, that'll work…!)
I believe the three categories can be defined in terms of a condiment - for example, ketchup - and its relationship to the chips…
So, One Star Chips, then… These are chips which are almost unenjoyable without some kind of dressing… A good example of One Star Chips would be any "French Fries" served at fast food outlets, kebab shops, burger stalls, greasy-spoons, truck-stop cafes, etc - typically thin, soggy, flavourless and uninspiring… I find that it is actually quite difficult to eat chips from a kebab shop without some sort of sauce or dressing - tomato ketchup, barbeque sauce, or even the ubiquitous "burger sauce" - to add interest to dish… These, then, are One Star Chips…
Two Star Chips, though, are pretty "take it or leave it" when it comes to the ketchup… These chips are the "average" chips of the snack world - not that there's anything wrong with that… (They are infinitely nicer to eat than One Star Chips!) Examples would be chips from a traditional British fish'n'chip shop, or the type served in pubs as a snack… They're usually chunky, filling, and full of potatoness, and the fact that they are equally enjoyable with, or without, a sauce is what characterises them as Two Star Chips…
And now, we come to the aristocracy of the world of potato-based foods… Three Star Chips - the greatest chips available to buy on this Earth! Three Star Chips are, essentially, a gourmet version of Two Star Chips - they're typically available in a good restaurant, or particularly high-quality pub, and it's clear that these chips definitely have a master chef's touch... But the thing that sets Three Star Chips apart is that they are so awesome, to add a sauce or, indeed, any condiments at all besides very light seasoning with high-quality sea-salt (particularly something as common, or vulgar as ketchup, or "burger sauce") would actually be to spoil the chips... That's right, they are that good! From my experience, the Lord Poulett Arms in Hinton-St-George, Somerset, serve excellent Three Star Chips - highly recommended!
So, there you have it... Three categories of chips - defined by the relationship of the chips to popular condiments... Brilliant, isn't it?
Let me first of all say that this has nothing whatever to do with crisps - the thinly sliced, flavoured potato snack, usually sold in bags, that Americans would call "chips" - as they are a different animal entirely… No, here we deal only with fried oblongs of potato, served hot - what Americans call "fries", and what normal people call "chips"…
My theory, therefore, goes as follows…
There are three types of chips - category one, category two, and category three… (Imaginative names, eh? Maybe, some day, I'll come with some better names for the categories… I know - how about a star-rating system? Like Michelin stars for restaurants? Yes, that'll work…!)
I believe the three categories can be defined in terms of a condiment - for example, ketchup - and its relationship to the chips…
So, One Star Chips, then… These are chips which are almost unenjoyable without some kind of dressing… A good example of One Star Chips would be any "French Fries" served at fast food outlets, kebab shops, burger stalls, greasy-spoons, truck-stop cafes, etc - typically thin, soggy, flavourless and uninspiring… I find that it is actually quite difficult to eat chips from a kebab shop without some sort of sauce or dressing - tomato ketchup, barbeque sauce, or even the ubiquitous "burger sauce" - to add interest to dish… These, then, are One Star Chips…
Two Star Chips, though, are pretty "take it or leave it" when it comes to the ketchup… These chips are the "average" chips of the snack world - not that there's anything wrong with that… (They are infinitely nicer to eat than One Star Chips!) Examples would be chips from a traditional British fish'n'chip shop, or the type served in pubs as a snack… They're usually chunky, filling, and full of potatoness, and the fact that they are equally enjoyable with, or without, a sauce is what characterises them as Two Star Chips…
And now, we come to the aristocracy of the world of potato-based foods… Three Star Chips - the greatest chips available to buy on this Earth! Three Star Chips are, essentially, a gourmet version of Two Star Chips - they're typically available in a good restaurant, or particularly high-quality pub, and it's clear that these chips definitely have a master chef's touch... But the thing that sets Three Star Chips apart is that they are so awesome, to add a sauce or, indeed, any condiments at all besides very light seasoning with high-quality sea-salt (particularly something as common, or vulgar as ketchup, or "burger sauce") would actually be to spoil the chips... That's right, they are that good! From my experience, the Lord Poulett Arms in Hinton-St-George, Somerset, serve excellent Three Star Chips - highly recommended!
So, there you have it... Three categories of chips - defined by the relationship of the chips to popular condiments... Brilliant, isn't it?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)