How to putt a parrot

Actually, I know very little about putting parrots, never having done it myself - I just thought it would be a nice way to follow on from the "how to cut a carrot" post...

So, yeah, there isn't much to say in this topic...  So, instead, I'll give you a poorly-Photoshopped picture of what I imagine putting a parrot might look like...

And so, that concludes this nonsense...

How to cut a carrot

It always surprises me how many people get this wrong - surely it's just plain common sense?!

Of course, you want all your slices of carrot to be roughly even, so that they all take the same time to cook...  Everyone knows that larger slices will take longer to cook right the way through than smaller slices, so you have decide beforehand what size slices you want, and allow enough time for whatever size slices you've decided upon to cook properly...

However, there is a complication - and it's one which often gets overlooked...  Slicing a carrot regularly, right from one end to t'other, may seem like the ideal - but in real life, this is fraught with difficulties!  Because, you see, in the real world, very few carrots are of an even width, all the way along - they taper, dontcha know, they taper!

Observe these carrots -

(I must confess, I did not, actually, take this photograph of carrots myself - I stole it from the internet...)

But you can see, in the picture, how the carrots taper, can't you?  So, if your slices are the same thickness all the way down your carrot, each slice will actually be a different volume of carrot, due to the varying width...  And, when you take your carrots out of the pan to serve them, a few may be cooked nicely, but many will be overcooked and mushy, while many others will be still raw in the middle...  Disaster!

So, here's what you do...

You start at the wide end of the carrot, slicing very thin slices...  You then work your way down towards the thin end of the wedge carrot, gradually increasing the thickness of the slices you cut, to compensate for the ever-diminishing width of the carrot...  This means that, although the slices may look less even than you have previously been used to, you are actually creating a more regular volume of carrot in each slice than ever before, and now, when you serve up your portions of carrots, each slice will have been cooked to perfection - no more, and no less!

Now, isn't that nice?

Bad television

I am going to expand on some ideas I had on my Twitter recently, about bad television...

It was as I sat, watching daytime TV, before going out to a gig, one day...  I saw trailers for programmes which seemed so bad, I couldn't believe anyone would really want to watch them!

But then I thought - with so many television channels, these days, surely almost all ideas for television series will, eventually, get commissioned...?  How bad would an idea for a new TV show have to be, for one of these "new channels" to turn it down?!

Is the modern plethora of TV channels spoiling the "art" of television?  Are the days of quality programming slipping away from us?  It certainly seems, more and more, that good television - informative and challenging documentaries, gripping dramas with well-written exciting plots and well-written scripts, high-quality sports coverage, and laugh-out-loud comedy shows - is being usurped by the televisual equivalent of the tabloid press, and those repuslive "real life!" magazines about children with two noses who get bullied at school...

So I started coming up with a few of my own ideas for bad television, which might well end up being shown in the middle of the day on some trashy TV channel called "Really" or "Watch" or "Dave" or "BBC3" or whatever...

So, what do you think...  Would you watch any of these?

- Celebrities Eating Rice
A brand new celebrity show!
Each week, three understandably minor celebrities see who can eat the most rice...  Their bowls are refilled each time they finish their rice, until they can eat no more!  The celebrity who has consumed the most bowls of rice is deemed the winner, and wins a meal for two in a Thai restaurant, and three month's free membership to Bannatyne's Health and Fitness Club...  (The programme makers guarantee that you will only have heard of one out of the three celebrities featured each week!)
Hosted by a terrifying genetic fusion of Graham Norton and Bruce Forsyth

- Feet, LIVE!
An observational scientific documentary - cameras installed at ground-level on Oxford Street in London show a live feed of the feet of passers-by...
Live commentary on the feet by Murray Walker

- Ross Kemp - in a Mini
Every week, Ross tries to see how many of a certain item he can fit into an old-school British Mini Cooper motor car...  Each programme starts with a camera close-up on Ross' face, and the phrase "hi, I'm Ross Kemp, and tonight, I'm going to see how many *things* I can fit into this Mini!"  The schedule for the "things" as a follows -
Week One - poppadums
Week Two - goose eggs
Week Three - second-edition copies of "Lady Chatterley's Lover", by D.H. Lawrence
Week Four - six-week-old Burmese kittens
Week Five - paper dinner plates
Week Six - Seiko radio/alarm clocks
Week Seven - Volvic natural mineral water (750ml bottles, with sports caps)
Week Eight - Liberal Democrat activists

- Survival
Twelve random members of the public are kept under constant surveillance, until one of them dies...  They could all be involved in freak accidents mere weeks after filming starts, meaning the programme will be over very quickly - then again, the series could last upwards of fifty years, if any of the "life-mates" live on until they die of natural causes...
Presented by Davina McCall, and whichever one of Ant and Dec can win a thumb war

- Yeastenders
Gritty, real-life drama about life in a busy London bakery...
Starring Natalie Cassidy, and that knob from "Skins" with the tattoos


So, what do you reckon?  Any of those good enough actually to be made into real television shows?

Ps -
If any television executives or channel bosses are reading this, you should know that I watch a lot of TV, and if I see any of these shows actually being broadcast, I will sue you!  However, if you wish to contact me about buying the rights to any of these ideas, I certainly shall be open to offers...!

If you use Foursquare, people will nick your stuff, murder your family, and you will end up in an asylum

Yeah, right...

I use Foursquare...  If you do too, and want to add me, you can do so here - I honestly don't mind your knowing that I'm going to the pub, that I'm driving to work, that I'm on holiday in Swindon (the UK's number one tourist hotspot!) or whatever...

I have been told - I'm sure lots of people have - that by telling people when I'm out of the house, I increase my chances of being burgled...  I've seen absolutely no statistical evidence either way, on this topic - and, since I'm being paid precisely nothing for my time here, I can't be bothered to go and look for any...  Instead, I shall bore you with my own (extremely well-thought-out) theories on the matter...

Now, I'm well aware why people would think that Foursquare would make you a priority target for your friendly local house-breaker...  You are publicising to the world that you are not at home - that, if somebody tried to enter your property unlawfully, right now, you would not be there to stop them...

But there are several problems with that idea...

Firstly, whilst Foursquare might tell you that I'm not at home, it doesn't tell you that nobody else is...  I live with two other people (my dad and my sister) and a dog - my Foursquare checkins tell you nothing whatever of their whereabouts, so a burglar might see my checkin, realise that I'm not at home, turn up, thinking that coast in clear, only to find that everyone else is still in...

Secondly, Foursquare tells you where I am - not where I'm not...  I don't list my home address anywhere on the website, so any burglars perusing the site would think something along the lines of "ah, Kit Marsden is not at home - I can go to his house and steal everything he owns!  Wait a minute...  Where is his house?  I know he's not at home, but I've no idea where he lives!"

Of course, a burglar could probably find out where I lived if, after seeing that I was not at home, he Googled me, and found out my home address that way...  But why would anyone go to these extraordinary lengths to burgle me anyway?  I'd have thought that anyone breaking into my house would be merely opportunistic - the kind of coolly premeditated robberies that take months of planning and require research and whole teams of people are usually reserved for far higher profile targets than I could be considered to be!

But, perhaps most importantly of all, being a Foursquare user has no effect on the fact that I always close all the windows before I go out, and make sure to lock the front door as I leave...  Of course, I'm aware that a determined man could break in despite such elementary precautions - but, that is true regardless of what websites I use, or what information I put online about myself!  My point, really, is that a burglar hoping to break into my house will encounter exactly the same obstacles whether he rocks up at my house by chance and decides to do a spot of stealing on the spur of the moment, and I just so happen to be out, or whether he has decided specifically to target my house because he knows for a fact, through the medium of Foursquare that I am at Birchanger Green Service Station on the M11...

The limitations of using WiFi in a hotel

I'm at the Village Hotel in Elstree, London...  (Don't know where that is?  Well, y'do now!)

Anyway, I'm using the WiFi here to get on the internet...  It's provided free, so I guess I shouldn't really complain...  But I'm going to complain anyway!  And that complaint will take the form of a list...  (Several lists, in fact!)

Here is list of internet-based stuff I've so far been able to achieve, from my hotel room -
- Facebook (although pictures don't always load first time around)
- Dailybooth
- Blogger
- Google (although slow)
- 365 Project
- Last.fm
- The BBC (standard site - I haven't tried to use iPlayer on this connection!)
- The Daily Telegraph

Here is a list of internet-based stuff I've so far not been able to achieve, from my hotel room -
- 1&1 internet
- Send or receive emails (I can access my emails through my iPhone, but not from my laptop!)
- Spotify

Here is a list of internet-based things which seem to work, and yet don't quite make it, and thus are extremely confusing -
- TwitPic (I can access the site, and view my pictures, but it won't let me log in!)
- Amazon (I can access the site, log in, browse, and add items to my shopping basket, but as soon as I try and "go to checkout", I can't!)

I am perplexed and frustrated, infuriated and puzzled...

In a pickle, with salami

So, salami is meat, which you buy, in a packet, and it's ready to eat...  Or is it?

I recently went through some tribulations with a packet of salami - I'll tell you about it...

When you buy a packet of salami, the slices of meat are arranged in an overlapping pattern...  That's fine - the problem is, that the piece at the top, is at the bottom...  D'you see?  No?  OK, here's a picture...

Do you see how the overlapping salami slices seem to be the wrong way around?  The one which is at the top of the pile, is at the bottom of the packet...

So, what's the problem?  Essentially, you have to open the packet fully, just to get at the first slice...  You can't just peel the top down a couple of inches, because you only fancy a couple of pieces of salami, and don't want to open the packaging all the way...

Observe...

With the packet half-way open, you you can't get at the top slice of meat...  You have to take the bottom one, and try and slide it out from underneath all the others...

Of course, the packet of salami, half-open, ought to look like this...

Don't you see how much better that is...?

Yes, it is, isn't it?

So, I hope that all the people who sell salami in this convoluted way will read this, and do something about it!

The inevitable "I've got an iPhone and you're gonna hear about it!" post

So, last week, I got an iPhone...  Not a new 4G one - I'm not that awesome - but an old 3G version...

I like it...  I've only had it a week, but I'm already liking it a lot!

I'm not going to start reviewing the features, I'm not going to take a load of photos of it, and I'm certainly not going do any kind of tests on it...  After all, an iPhone 3G is fairly "old-hat" now - I'm sure everyone reading this knows what they look like, what the main features are, and that, should they wish, there are a billion comprehensive reviews, from all angles and perspectives, available on the internet already...

What I am going to do, is ask this question...  What is it that makes an iPhone better than, say a Blackberry, or an Android phone?

The answer?  Well, nothing, actually...  I know plenty of people who prefer those alternative Smartphones, and would much rather have one over an iPhone...  But equally, I know I'm not the only person who would choose the iPhone over those others...

Discussions on the internet always seem to get rather heated, on this topic...  Particularly, I've noticed, between the two rival "camps" of iPhone users, and Android users...  I'm never sure why they feel the need to get so intense about it - it's only a choice of phone, for goodness' sake!

Personally, I am a big fan of Apple products...  I'm typing this post on my MacBook Pro, I listen to music on my iPod Classic, and, now, I do all kinds of mobile telecommunicational activities on my iPhone 3G...  The reason is, that I find Apple products work, for me...  I'm quite ready to admit that they won't work for everyone - but, for me, they're great...

I think that's the whole crux of this ridiculous issue, actually...  The idea of personal preference plays an enormous part in the choosing of these gadgets, and it all comes down to what kind of person you are...

On some level, I suspect that the designers at Apple are actually very similar to me...  I think we must think the same, have the same ways of working, and so on...  Which, I think, is why the products they design make so much sense to me...  Apple's operating systems just "click" with my way of thinking, and always seem incredibly intuitive...  The devices always work in the way I expect them to - everything about them (well, almost - nobody's perfect!) is designed in a way which makes me think "yeah, that's how I would've had it done!"  And, as such, I feel very much at home using iPhones, iPods, Macs, and so on...  It's almost as if they were designed just for me...

Now, not everyone's like me...  I know many people who don't like the way Apple's products operate, and who find Windows, or Android, or the Blackberry operating system, much easier to work with...  Those systems seem to make more sense to them, and they work much better with them...

I'm not sure whether there are any correlations to be discovered here...  Is it true, for instance, that most "creative" types prefer working with Apple Macs, while businesses tend to lean towards PCs?  I've no idea...  And I can't be bothered to do enough research to find out...!

All I do know, is, that if somebody has a particular affinity for products which are designed in a certain way, and which work in a certain way, they're not "stupid" - they're not being "narrow-minded" or "a fanboy"...  They just have a different approach to using technology from you...  And, what's great, is that, in the modern technological market-place, there really is something for everyone...!

So, whether the iPhone's design really strikes a chord with you, or whether you find it clumsy, unintuitive, and you much prefer to use a Blackberry, that's fine!  Just remember that not everyone will have the experiences using those devices...

OK?  Good!  :)