Monday, 3 February 2014

Cold calling

Earlier today, I had the misfortune to experience a bizarre spam phone call. (You know the sort of thing I mean - some shady company with a made up name rings you up to claim they can get you 'compensation' for injuries suffered in a freak flan-baking accident, then they steal your identity and disappear into the alps when you acquiesce.) The following is a rough transcript of my brief interaction with one of these people...

Caller: hello, is that Mr Marsden?

Me: yes, who is this?

Caller: hi there, I'm calling on behalf of LTA Legal. Our records indicate that you have been involved in a road traffic accident at some point in the past two-and-a-half years - is that correct?

Me: I'm sorry, could you just explain again who you are, and exactly how you got my phone number?

Caller: well, you sound like a knobber!

*caller hangs up*

Very odd indeed!

Saturday, 1 February 2014

No, we don't have WiFi; talk to each other!

But I don't want to talk to you; I don't even know you.

I've seen this picture (or a variation on it - this one seems to be the most common, though) posted on a variety of social networking websites (ironically) just recently.  Most people see it as 'striking a blow' against modern social norms of using smartphones and tablets in public instead of talking to people face-to-face - and they seem to love that.  I, on the other hand, think it's incredibly condescending.

Firstly, to suggest that technological advances (particularly WiFi and mobile internet) have had an adverse affect on social communication is patently absurd.  Sure, internet technologies have changed the nature of social interactions, but the fact is that people are now able to communicate more easily with more people more of the time.  It maybe that some people still prefer more 'traditional' interactions, but to suggest (as this sign seems to) that using WiFi and being a social human being are mutually exclusive is demonstrably false.

Most importantly, however, the tone of the sign seems very rude, to me.  It is each establishment's prerogative whether or not to offer WiFi access to patrons - but to put up a smug, moralising sign about it seems a little unnecessary.

So, you don't have WiFi available here?  Fine.  But sanctimoniously telling me that your lack of WiFi is somehow 'better', or 'for my own good', would definitely be a good way to put me off giving you my custom.

Monday, 6 January 2014

More #Sherlock thoughts

I'm afraid to say the second episode of the newest series of the BBC's Sherlock impressed me as little as the first episode did.

Once again, crowds of fawning fans gathered on Twitter, Tumblr and (presumably) Trams to spew several gigabytes of praise and cutesy adulation - and so, once again, I feel duty bound to set out an alternative point-of-view on a Blog which (almost) nobody reads.

My biggest gripe with the second episode of Sherlock is the treatment of Sherlock's personality - specifically, the increasing 'humanisation' of him as a character.  Benedict Cumberbatch has always done a fantastic job of portraying Sherlock Holmes as he is meant to be - not just emotionless but disdainful of emotion, and of anything which is removed from pure logic and reason.  (For example, he never much took to Ableton.*)  However, as I mentioned before, I feel Sherlock's writers are moving further and further away from the original character - I've nothing against different adaptations, of course, but if you start to change the fundamentals of the character, it's no longer Sherlock Holmes at all.

Conan Doyle's Holmes never gets drunk.  (Despite being actually a far greater drug user and smoker than the modern Sherlock, he always knows his limits and would never allow himself to get out-of-control.  Holmes vomiting on a client's carpet? Unthinkable!)  He is never one for public displays of affection.  And he would never make a sexually suggestive comment about handcuffs to a bridesmaid!

But, most importantly, although he maybe aware of his own flaws, he does not see them as flaws.

Holmes may not be keen on emotions, but that does not mean he does not understand them.  He is a very intelligent, highly perceptive man who probably understands more of human interaction than most of the people who actually value it.  This is made particularly clear in The Adventure of Charles August Milverton, in which Holmes becomes engaged - he does so only to gain vital information for his case, of course (he has no feelings for the woman - Agatha - involved) but this just goes to show that he's more than capable of sweet-talking, romancing and gaining the trust of another person, should he so wish.

Holmes knows how to act like a "normal" (for want of a better word person) - and does so when it suits him - but he prefers not to.

In the BBC's Sherlock, though, the eponymous character seems equally aware of his eccentricities - but uncharacteristically embarrassed by them.  He mentions several times that he is aware of how difficult he must be to live and to work with; nothing wrong with that, but this is done in an empathetic way which at times verges on apologetic.  This, to me, is unforgivable - Sherlock Holmes would never apologise for being Sherlock Holmes!

Conan Doyle's Holmes may know that most other people view him as a strange, cold, emotionless being - but he is not ashamed or worried by this.  Quite the opposite, in fact - he believes that this is how everyone should be.

Sherlock, no matter how well-acted, spectacularly misses this point.


* Sorry - that's a music technology joke.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

#Sherlock: a review

Like many people, I watched the return of BBC1's Sherlock last night.  Unlike many people, I was not overly impressed.  Having taken twenty-four hours to organise my thoughts on the matter, I am going to write about why.

There were some good things about Sherlock, which I really enjoyed - in particular, I liked the passing reference to The Adventure Of The Blue Carbuncle (the deductions Holmes makes from a lost hat), which I thought was very cleverly done.

Unfortunately, though, this latest instalment of the BBC's modernisation amplifies many of the flaws which I thought were apparent in the first two series, and as such suffers from a huge amount of over complication and needlessly elaborate plot devices.  This was evident in a few key points, in particular...

Firstly, the fact that Sherlock had planned to survive falling from the top of the building - directly at odds with Conan Doyle's Holmes, who walks to the Reichenbach Fall convinced he is genuinely going to die.

This problem stems from the over-reliance on Moriarty which I highlighted in my post about the previous series - by making Sherlock premeditate faking his own death (and in a typically over-elaborate way), it was necessary to give him a reason for this grand deception, and thus the Moriarty storyline spiralled out-of-control - but ultimately goes a long way beyond this.  In carrying out this scheme (and it is worth noting that the writers still haven't provided a definitive answer as to how this was done), so many extra helpers would have been required that the secret would surely not have stayed hidden for long.  Conan Doyle's Holmes prefers always to operate alone - the very idea of involving so many other people in a plan of such great importance and precision is so unlike him that it jars with the rest of Sherlock's characterisation.

Indeed, at one point in the episode it feels rather as though the entire ruse has been wholly for John Watson's benefit - and that he is the only one who wasn't in on it from the start, like one great big magic trick.  While this may provide some colourful and dynamic scenes when Sherlock first reveals himself to John two years on, the idea is patently absurd.

The second big issue I had with the episode is again something which has grated on me before in the previous series, but which has this time been taken to a whole new level.  I am talking here about the writers' seemingly insatiable need to make everything within the plot link up, and for all the storylines to intertwine.

This is typically done by having one persistent "enemy", and making each crime which Sherlock solves ultimately trace back to this source (usually in an implausibly convoluted way).  In the past, this was done (wrongly) with the character of Moriarty - in this new series, that vacancy seems to have been filled by "a terrorist organisation" about which we currently know very little, but which appears already to have been cast in the rôle of Sherlock's "nemesis".

This warping of the Sherlock Holmes paradigm is one with which I feel very uneasy.  In Conan Doyle's stories, the vast majority of Holmes' cases are standalone crimes, each with their own perpetrators and their own victims - not assignments handed down to him by agents of the British state, in which the puzzle must be solved against the clock and with enormously high stakes.  Most of the cases solved by Conan Doyle's Holmes are, in the grand scheme of things, actually rather petty - there are not hundreds of lives at stake, there is not a risk to an entire nation, and the cases come to him by way of private clients seeking his assistance, not government agents.  The only common thread running through all of Holmes' cases is that they are all interesting.

Unfortunately, it seems that the writers of Sherlock have failed to grasp this fact.  They start with the premise that Sherlock Holmes has to save the world (in as spectacular a style as possible) at the end of every episode, and work backwards from there, twisting the story as they go in order to force it into being interesting.  The biggest - and therefore most ridiculous - way in which this is achieved is by making the episodes' criminals (sorry, criminal masterminds) leave smug, self-satisfied clues for Sherlock as he attempts to solve the mystery.

Again, this began in the previous series, with Moriarty setting Sherlock little tests with clues and pointers provided and a clock ticking in the background for no reason other than for his own amusement, but was also ratcheted up a notch in the latest episode when John Watson was kidnapped and almost burnt alive on a Guy Fawkes' Night bonfire.

Not only did this segment have very little to do with the overall plot of the episode (other than providing a convenient reason for John to forgive Sherlock after having been angry with him following his initial reappearance), but it was another example of the programme's criminals seeming to care more about agitating Sherlock than their actual crimes.  This, added to the fact that this entire sequence of events was left completely unexplained - and that we still have no idea who kidnapped John in that way, or why they did that - made this part of the episode intensely frustrating.

The need to make every crime both an intensely personal affair and on a gargantuan scale affecting thousands of ordinary people results in plotlines which are both intolerably byzantine and extraordinarily flimsy.

Finally, the business with Sherlock's parents showing up at his flat was so unnecessary that I struggle to understand why it was included at all.  Granted, it didn't really hurt to include them (other than that it might be straying dangerously close to making people see Sherlock's character as more "human", I suppose) but it added nothing to the episode in any way, and was therefore a total waste of time.

So, there you have it.  As ever, the acting was superb - Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman work as brilliantly together as always - and there was plenty of action and suspense to keep viewers hooked.  However, I worry that the writers are overcomplicating things just for the sake of it - I think they should revisit the omnibus edition of Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories, before they forget what Sherlock Holmes is supposed to be all about.

Tuesday, 31 December 2013

A look back at 2013

As we approach the arbitrary line-in-the-sand which marks the end of 2013, the beginning of 2014, and the deafening placebo effect of hundreds of shallow individuals convincing themselves they're "turning over a new leaf", many people take time out to reflect on some of the key moments over the previous twelve months and wonder what on earth they are doing with their lives.

Hating to be the exception to any rule, here is a quick summary of my most significant moments from the past year...


  • I have been to five different continents - mostly on fact-finding missions, but once just to see if I'd be able to get back.
  • I broke the sound barrier using just the power of my mind.
  • I've been married twice (but, curiously, divorced three times).
  • I won the Turner Prize for my mixed-media piece 'Evaporated Weltschmerz', which is now on display in Latvia's biggest and most well-ventilated art gallery.
  • I invented a new pizza topping, which goes on the bottom.
  • I built a fully habitable igloo out of only what you can buy in the 'Reduced' aisle in Waitrose, and lived there for two months (during which time I paid no Council Tax, but my heating bills went through the roof).
  • I discovered a new species of wasp and a new species of ant - and have since cross-bred them to form a new species of want.
  • I bought a new shirt, but so far haven't worn it out anywhere.

Here's hoping that 2014 proves considerably less eventful...!

Sunday, 22 December 2013

The Suárez Redemption

Liverpool's star striker Luis Suárez is absolutely on fire this season - he has a staggering nineteen goals to his name in the Premier League already this season, and regular viewers of Match Of The Day will know that the manner in which he's scored some of these goals has been truly spectacular.  But that isn't the most impressive thing about Suárez this year...

In previous seasons, I think it's fair to say that Suárez wasn't the most popular character in English football.  No one could deny his talent on the field, and his goal-scoring pedigree was plain for all to see, but his attitude and his demeanour came in for a lot of criticism - and rightly so!

Suárez' actions gained him a reputation for diving and cheating (most notably biting and stamping on other players), and he was perhaps most (in)famously involved in a racism scandal with Patrice Evra of Manchester United.

Over the summer, there were persistent rumours that Suárez would be sold, and that he wanted to leave Liverpool in search of a club where he could win trophies, and qualify for European football.

In the end, though, Suárez stayed at Liverpool, and began the 2013/14 season with the remnants of a ten-match ban for the biting incident still hanging over him.  Since he's been back in action, though, the transformation which I, for once, have seen in him has been remarkable.

The Suárez I have watched on Match Of The Day in recent weeks has the same wonderful skill and mercurial touch as ever - but he seems to have a vastly improved attitude, and a new maturity which is just fantastic to see.  Suárez has scored some amazing goals, but he has also been working hard for his team, he has been very unselfish at times, and he's been making every effort to stay on his feet at times when, in the past, he might have gone down under soft challenges.

Following a recent injury to longtime Liverpool Captain Steven Gerrard, Suárez was asked to Captain his side - many people questioned the judgement of manager Brendan Rodgers in giving the Captaincy to a player with such a chequered past, but having seen Suárez in action on the pitch as Liverpool's Captain I think Rodgers made the right call.  As Captain, Suárez has been authoritative, leading from the front with his performances and his work ethic - but he's also been keen to support and encourage his teammates, especially those who are younger and less experienced, and who are just coming through into the first team.

Thanks in no small part to the influence of Suárez, Liverpool currently sit top of the Premier League. Whilst it's not out-of-the-question that they could win the League this year, I personally think that's unlikely - but a Top Four spot is not, and should Liverpool qualify for the next year's Champions League (as well they might!), they will have Suárez to thank.

If there's one thing we can guarantee in the world of football it's highly entrenched opinions, and there will undoubtedly be people who made up their mind about Suárez during his troubled times and will refuse to change it now - but I think that is unfair on a player who is certainly well on the way to proving many of his critics wrong this year.

Suárez is still the same man accused of racial abuse.  He is the same man who bit another player on the arm during a game.  But he has served his punishment for those (and other) transgressions - and if, as it seems, he has returned to the game as a reformed individual, that is to his credit.

"It wouldn't be Christmas without..."

Of all the crass and ridiculous things people say around Christmas time (and there are many), I think the expression I detest most is the saying "It wouldn't be Christmas without..." (narrowly beating people who describe the Christmas period as "magical", and people who talk about "feeling 'Christmassy'").

Even outside of the unrealistically schmaltzy and saccharine world of television advertising, I hear people saying "It wouldn't be Christmas without..." all the time.  The range of things without which Christmas simply couldn't happen gets wider and wider all the time - and more and more unnecessary.

It wouldn't be Christmas without roast turkey!  It wouldn't be Christmas without a Christmas tree!  It wouldn't be Christmas without crackers!  It wouldn't be Christmas without mulled wine!  It wouldn't be Christmas without knitted sausage rolls!  It wouldn't be Christmas without Eastenders!  It wouldn't be Christmas without Monopoly!  It wouldn't be Christmas without third-degree burns!

What?

The fact is, actually, it would still be Christmas.  It would still be Christmas even if you spent Christmas day doing your tax return and eating pickled onions.

You might think this is little more than quibbling pedantry, but I would beg to differ; the real problem with "It wouldn't be Christmas without..." is that it perpetuates our society's insistence on defining Christmas not by anything meaningful but by all the needless trappings of the season - the hype, the peripheral stuff.

Everybody has their own little rituals around Christmas time, but these are largely incidental and quite arbitrary - Christmas itself is not defined by how you do (or don't) usually celebrate it.