If I were Prime Minister…

In the run-up to the 2015 General Election, the Independent have been asking 100 people what they would do if they were Prime Minister.  These people include journalists, authors, sportsmen, musicians, political campaigners, and the like.  Obviously, I'm slightly surprised – and more than a little hurt – not to have been asked to contribute to this…  So, with exactly one week to go until Polling Day, I'm going to write my piece about it anyway, and publish it here.

If I were Prime Minister, I would introduce on-the-spot fines for anybody who lets a set of double doors close in the wrong order.  Y'know how lots of double doors have one door with an outer 'lip', and one with an inner 'lip', and they fit nicely together if closed correctly?  I can't understand how anyone can let double doors close behind them in the wrong order and walk nonchalantly away with nary a backward glance, so I propose stamping out this cavalier behaviour with fines of up to £150.

That'll be 150 quid, mate.

On issues of public health, I would make it a criminal offence not to use the tongs provided at a buffet.  I would also make it a criminal offence to serve buffet food without providing tongs.  Either of these could elicit a jail sentence of up to six months.  Further to this, it would be mandatory for all public buildings to include at least one basin with a foot-operated tap.

On education, I would ensure that university students pay twice as much for their drinks in bars and pubs as anybody else.  University is a place for learning, not just a three-year-long excuse to get drunk, and students get plenty of concessions in other areas – such as clothes retailers offering student discounts, no council tax payments, and free cheeseburgers at McDonald's.  I'm sure the rest of us would relish the opportunity to have a drink in a pub without a bunch of rowdy students shouting, doing 'shots' and having 'fun'.

Expanding on an idea I first proposed on this Blog several months ago, any business putting out their special Christmas-themed TV adverts or billboard advertising before the last week in November would see their corporation tax payments double as a result.  There is simply no need for companies to start ramming Christmas down our throats in mid-October!  While on the topic of advertising, I would ban all television adverts which anthropomorphise food.

No one would be allowed to turn right on the Ring Road; it causes far too many delays.  If you want to go right, you'll have to go left, left, and left again.

I would introduce standardised flavour colours for crisp packets.  It is far too confusing for some companies to make Salt'n'Vinegar packets green and Cheese'n'Onion packets blue, while other companies have Cheese'n'Onion crisps in green packets and Salt'n'Vinegar in blue ones.  These guidelines will be set down by a new Minister For Crisps And Snacks, who will also be in charge of ensuring even distribution of flavours in 'Multipack' crisps (except Prawn Cocktail, because nobody likes it).

Finally, I would hold a referendum on holding a referendum on Europe.  Opinion is divided on whether we should have a referendum on Britain's membership of the European Union or not, and so I believe the best and most democratic way to gauge the public mood on this matter is have a referendum on whether or not we should have the referendum – however, this would not be in any way binding upon my government.

Obviously, these proposals are just a taste of the decent, common sense policies for hardworking men and women which my government would introduce.  A full copy of the UKIT Manifesto (no, that doesn't stand for anything – it's just a bit like UKIP but with my name in it instead, and much better policies) is available on request.